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Maurlin  (Level: 221.6 - Posts: 2720)
Tue, 5th Aug '08 11:08 PM


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Flcyclist  (Level: 132.6 - Posts: 691)
Tue, 5th Aug '08 11:11 PM

Thanks, Linda! I think it would probably be an improvement! (At least until Charles took over!)

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Tue, 5th Aug '08 11:32 PM

Thanks for the laff Linda....
Now that Charleton Heston finally has "cold dead hands"
Will the Queen please confiscate ALL guns - to be sent
to Afgani and Pakistani civilians, so they can defend
themselves against the Terrorists.
And our guys can come home.
I assume all "Teas" will be served in Boston - and no
parties allowed

Maurlin  (Level: 221.6 - Posts: 2720)
Tue, 5th Aug '08 11:40 PM

I must give credit where credit (or blame) is due. Flcyclist sent it to me and said I could post it here.

Donleigh  (Level: 156.8 - Posts: 5490)
Tue, 5th Aug '08 11:51 PM

Welcome to the Commonwealth. You now have the right to get rid of your current government whenever you can convince the chickens**t opposition to vote NO on something.

Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1139)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 1:44 AM

Thank you, Nancy and Linda, for a much needed laugh! Very clever.

Bbear  (Level: 168.0 - Posts: 2292)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 1:47 AM

Long live the Queen. She may outlive McCain

Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4183)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 2:33 AM

LOL! Hilarious!

Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1312)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 4:53 AM

Why does she always carry a big purse ?? Women with purses that big around where I live are usually carrying their lunches in them.

Surreyman  (Level: 275.1 - Posts: 2776)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 4:55 AM

You'll have to pay $10 a gallon for petrol though ... and $12 for 20 cigarettes ........

Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2402)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 6:09 AM

Just as well the Queen does not come Down Under too often. Even then, I think she does it to remind herself how vulgar and brash the convict-stock Colonials can be.....


Francesann  (Level: 55.5 - Posts: 124)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 6:18 AM

And you will have to stop using the word catsup - it is tomato sauce!

Revdodd  (Level: 68.7 - Posts: 775)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 6:40 AM

"11. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater."

It was certainly no worse than hearing Michael Caine attempt a southern accent with ear-bleeding failure in "Hurry Sundown."

Flcyclist  (Level: 132.6 - Posts: 691)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 8:45 AM

Yes! Through out ALL the bums and let's elect a king!

Revdodd  (Level: 68.7 - Posts: 775)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 9:11 AM

Al: Please let us know if anyone PM's you to tell you the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

There's always someone who didn't get the reference!

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4583)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 9:15 AM

I vote for John McClane for King!!!!!!!!

(You know, from Die Hard movies)

Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1139)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 10:37 AM

Thanks, Al, for the Animal House reference - those are always appreciated, just like your warped sense of humor!

Wordster  (Level: 167.7 - Posts: 938)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 3:24 PM

I great laugh. The best one I've had in awhile. I disagree with the baseball one. Go Red Sox!

Alvandy  (Level: 242.1 - Posts: 7740)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 6:05 PM

Note: This is the "family friendly" version of my post from this morning. After it posted, I read it to see how it looked- and horror of horrors- noticed a certain uncensored adult word embedded - it had me worried about my impending exile from Sploofus Island. I asked the editors to delete the entire post. Let's just say that George Carlin would have approved. What do you expect when you quote from Animal House? Thanks to the editor for following through. I believe I am now on double secret probation.

Our Congress and President may be idiots, but they are OUR idiots.
"I only regret that I have but one life to give my country."
"Taxation without representation is tyranny."

Rally 'round the American flag. Freedom isn't free.

I suggest that York, Pennsylvania, the "first capital of united states", be designated as the convening place for a new Continental Congress , and re-issue a new Articles of Confederation. A beer of the day chosen by Chickfbref and peppermint patties will be placed on all delegates' tables at the start of each day's session.

In the words of former U.S. Senator John Blutarsky:

"What? Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain't over now! 'Cause when the going gets tough…the tough get going! Who's with me? Let's go!…
What the [ "expletive deleted] happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts? Huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're going to let it be the worst. 'Oh, we're afraid to go with you, Bluto. We might get in trouble.' Well, Gordon Brown- just KISS my ass* from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this!

Let's do it!

* I re-read this five times- should I use "donkey"?

Donleigh  (Level: 156.8 - Posts: 5490)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 6:54 PM

I read it this morning and had a little giggle at the oops word. I don't think donkey conveys the same meaning.

Suzer22  (Level: 166.3 - Posts: 1983)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 9:18 PM

Andie McDowell's character in "4 Weddings..." was an American. She wasn't affecting a British accent at all. Where did that comment come from??

Lettermanfan1  (Level: 88.3 - Posts: 486)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 9:57 PM

lol Suzer. You're right. It was just her excruciating acting that made me (and obviously others) bleed from our eyes and ears. The rest of the actors in that movie (the Brits) are all fabulous!

Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4285)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 10:15 PM

I liked item 16.

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Wed, 6th Aug '08 11:33 PM

Item 16 would have been fine if it wasn`t
for the pink and white head gear, and
I LOVE OSAMA printed all over it ....

Surreyman  (Level: 275.1 - Posts: 2776)
Thu, 7th Aug '08 9:31 AM

Na Bushy - she don't need no reminding at all!
And Charlie was educated in Oz, which explains a lot ................

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