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bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Mon, 8th Sep '08 5:31 AM

CHILI COOK-OFF

Chili Cook Off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas
, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili
Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge ..2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they
saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the
beer.


*****************************************************

CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


*****************************************************

CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


*****************************************************

CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge . 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with
a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...


Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge .3 farted,
passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report







alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Mon, 8th Sep '08 11:40 PM

LMAO
LMAO
LMAO

oh god- my belly hurts from laughing so much. That was priceless.

No report!






salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.5 - Posts: 5316)
Tue, 23rd Sep '08 1:29 PM

That's hilarious.

I especially loved this "I pooped on myself when I farted and ... I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone. "

thanks for a good laugh.



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