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(Level: 208.5 - Posts: 5867)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 8:59 AM
BUFFALO GAP CHILI COOK OFF
Some people will not really think this is funny but I find it to be hilarious.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in West Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Old Settlers Reunion Grounds. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork . Slight jala peno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP RE MOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
(Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 9:56 AM
OH that was a scream!
(Level: 61.1 - Posts: 992)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 3:25 PM
I've seen this one before.. waaaay too funny!
(Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 6:08 PM
I like spicy food but I've seen those jokers from Texas and their peppers and hot sauce potions. I make a great pot of chili but I don't want to damage anyone's stomach lining either. I think season to your own taste is best.
(Level: 176.9 - Posts: 1582)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 6:32 PM
I have tears rolling down my face! That was hilarious! I will share this with SO many people!!!
(Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 9:53 PM
I love this and it's been a while since I've seen it. The first time was when I was put in charge of our chili cook-off at church several years ago. The first one we had, I didn't even know about and was completely disturbed to see four entrants - even more disturbed to find they didn't know how it would go so they only wanted four.
Naturally, after my comments the next year I was informed that since I thought I could do it better, I was in charge...yee haw!
I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan. The women's group provided setups for chili pies - AND homemade vanilla ice cream for "after". I set it up to where it cost 1 quarter to taste each entrants chili, and then it was $3 to the person's jar that you chose to top off your chili pie - with the person at the end with the most money being declared the winner - the previous year they had raised 25.00 - that year 350.00 - so I was feeling good
(sharing that in case anyone likes the idea).
SO on to the point of relation, from a chili chef's point of view.
Knowing how tough the competition would be since I had about 10 people signed up (including my 10 year old son who decided he wanted to kick in - additional side note - he added cinnamon and beat ME by 25 cents LOL) - I decided I was really going to get on with it. As I was selecting my peppers from the fresh produce section, I noticed some beautiful habenero's. I have never used any kind of hand protection with peppers in my life, and should have done my research.
I sliced them thinly and began grilling them in my cast iron skillet...oh they were looking lovely and smelling heavenly. I began to sweat a bit and wiped the side of my cheek with the back of my hand. I had a stray hair fall out of my pony tail and swiped it back off my face. As I started to take the now nicely grilled peppers out of the skillet, I felt a burning sensation on my hands. the top of my forehead and my check begin to slowly burn, as if coming to a boil.
Before I knew it, I was running my hand in cold water - sticking them in a large pot full of ice, and thanking God that I had not had an itch anywhere else that I might have scratched without thinking.
It took a full 48 hours for the burning to stop, after having gone to the internet looking up HOW I should have handled the peppers, and trying all sorts of suggested solutions to no avail.
It probably does not translate quite as well in writing as telling it personally, but when I told this story after the contest as we were enjoying the vanilla ice cream...I was so offended by how many people were amused at my agony. Several people had tears rolling down their face, not from eating my chili, but from laughing at the consequences of my ignorance.
I think Judge 3 was a wimp....but I certainly could sympathize
- I WAS asked to make the chili again...one must suffer for one's art!
(Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Wed, 15th Oct '08 11:06 PM
Thread made me hungry. Love hot food!
(Level: 45.7 - Posts: 402)
Thu, 16th Oct '08 10:25 AM
Marsha, the tears are running down my face, this was so funny. I can just picture the judges and their reactions and let my imagination go crazy just from your description. Thank you
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