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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 10:24 AM

HALLOWEEN JOKES -- PREPARE TO GROAN!

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?

"What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo...

What is Dracula's favorite kind of coffee?
Decoffinated...

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher...

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot...

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it's Halloween...

How did the priest make holy water?
He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it...

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi...

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'll have two beers and a mop...

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 10:29 AM

Top ten reasons trick or treating is better than sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.

#1: YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!


alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.5 - Posts: 7567)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 10:47 AM

Groan!!


Nah, actually those were very funny. Thanks for the "uplifting of my spirits"

knerd
Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1141)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 11:26 AM

Haha! Thanks, Martina - funny! We need that kind of levity around here now!

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 11:32 AM



So these three vampires walk in to a bar. The first one wants a pint of O negative. The second one wants a bottle of AB positive. The third one orders a glass of plasma.

Bartender says, "Okay, so thats two Bloods and a Blood light?"



pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 12:00 PM

There was a very old man who was lying upstairs dying. His granddaughter
came in and said "Hi Grandpa" , "Hi little sweetie" he said.
"Say, are those Grandmas extra special cookies I smell?" "Yes" she replied.
"Do you think you can sneek down stairs and get a couple for me?" "Sure" she replied.
In a few minutes, the little girl came back with a frown on her face. Grandpa asked, "What's wrong? "
" Grandma wouldn't let me have any, she says they are for after the funeral."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 12:10 PM

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church.........
Haven't seen one back since!"

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 2:14 PM

the last one is my favorite

we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:


$665.95......................Retail price of the Beast
$699.25................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95.............Price of the Beast with all accessories & replacement soul
$656.66......................Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66...............Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
00666.........................Zip code of the Beast
1-666 .........................Area code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 ......Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
660............................Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI.....................Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000.....................Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 .........................Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 ..........................Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1).....................Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010..................Binary of the Beast
Phillips 666..................Gasoline of the Beast
$6.66 9/10....................Price of a Beast gasoline
Route 666....................Way of the Beast
666 F.........................Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k..........................Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66%.........5 year CD rate First Beast National Bank, $666 min. deposit.
* i66686........................CPU of the Beast
666i .......................... BMW of the Beast
DSM-666..........Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666 mg...........Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6...................Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66....................Word Processor of the Beast
6 h. 66 min....................Beast Standard Time (BST)
Boeng 666....................."A jet for the Beast Age"
Beverly Hills 66666..........Beast's favorite TV show
6/6/66..........................The birth date of the Beast
666-66-6666............The Social Security number of the Beast
6666............................The PIN of the Beast
25.806975.....................The square root of the Beast
Motel 666......................Beast Western
Windows 96 ver.666.........OS of the Beast
6, uh, uh..............Number of the Blonde Beast


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 4:33 PM

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head.
"Are you a ghost ?" asked his friends
"No, I'm an unmade bed !"

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.5 - Posts: 7567)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 6:28 PM

Keep 'em coming Pennwoman! You're on a roll.
Some real goodies. No groaners yet.

Hey, it's World series time= the Rays will be visiting the Phillies ball park for the next three games.
In the spirit of Halloween, all the hitters will be coming to the plate with BATS in their hands.

Now you can groan!

sorry!






pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 7:36 PM

LOL! and
groan!

ladyvol
Ladyvol  (Level: 205.3 - Posts: 5487)
Fri, 24th Oct '08 8:26 PM

Those are great! Made me smile and laugh until I ...well you get the picture I'm sure...ROFL
Vickie

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 9:52 AM

Why did the skeleton go trickor treating all by itself? It had no body to go with.

What do monsters work on in science class? Ex-scare-iments.


Where do ghosts leave their notes on Boo-lletin boards


Who has a black cape flies thru the night and bites? a mousquito w/ a black cape.


Why couldn’t the skeleton practice w/ the school band ? it forgot it’s trom- bone.


How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her W.


How does a witch tell time ? with her witch watch of course.


What is a vampire bat’s favorite aniamal? a Giraffe.
(snort, giggle, snort)


What did the wood pecker say to the spooky looking tree? You scared the peck out of me.


What do ghosts like to ride in the moon light? Night mares.


What did the witch say as she changed herself into a rooster? Cackle doodle - Boooooo


Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!


Q: What do you call a zombie with a bell? A: A dead ringer.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.5 - Posts: 7567)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 1:11 PM

Pennwoman: Still doing great there- some real funnies [but a few groaners mixed in].
Not enough to BOO you yet though.


Any more?



donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.5 - Posts: 5079)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 5:31 PM

Things We Learned From Horror Films

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it is dead. It isn't.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, or had previous owners that went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion - move immediately.

Never read a demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

When you are with a group of people, NEVER pair off or search alone.

As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Leave immediately.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are a woman.

If your car runs out of gas, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.




wordster
Wordster  (Level: 159.5 - Posts: 911)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 7:52 PM

Thanks for the good laughs.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 10:33 PM

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.

"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack.

"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!"

stone
Stone  (Level: 35.0 - Posts: 259)
Sat, 25th Oct '08 11:06 PM

You can have all the candy! LOL

papermanbill
Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Sun, 26th Oct '08 6:01 AM

I have a few with crystal balls and Halloweenies, best for offline telling.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sun, 26th Oct '08 9:41 AM

What is the favorite health insurance for Goblins, Ghosts and Monsters?

Medi-Scare



What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

Ghoul-aid!!!




What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?

Wrap!!!!!




Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!




What's a monster's favorite bean?

A human bean.




What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A sand-witch.




Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?

Anywhere where he can boo-gie.




What do ghosts say when something is really neat?

Ghooooul-ly




Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

He didn't have a haunting license.




Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

He had no body to dance with.




Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

At the casketeria.






apinavl
Apinavl  (Level: 37.5 - Posts: 59)
Sun, 26th Oct '08 12:33 PM

My nieces are loving these. Keep it up....


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