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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 7:32 PM

VETERANS DAY -- MILITARY HUMOUR

Air Force
NOTE: (This is rumored to be a True Story)

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But, when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."



pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 7:37 PM

Army
A Lieutenant, a Colonel, and a Sergeant Major were all killed in a common disaster, and arrived in Heaven together, where they were met by St. Peter.

St. Peter asked them, "What would you like the people on Earth to say about you?"

The Lieutenant said, "I would like them to say I was a great family man and an inspiration to my children."

The Colonel said, "I would like them to say I was a great military leader."

The Sergeant Major said, "I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!"


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 7:40 PM

Marines
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"



pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 7:42 PM

Navy
At one point in time during his career, Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of the Nuclear Navy, was commander of a carrier task force, and had his flag on the carrier.
For exercise, Adm. Rickover walked a lap around the flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the Admiral during his walks, and gripe, complain, etc., and the Admiral would take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale booster.

Well, the day came when Admiral Rickover was reassigned to Washington, and a helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure that the helmsman wasn't paying attention to his job, and the carrier hit a sandbar.

Yes, they grounded the warship he walked on.



bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 8:09 PM

The Australian Military humor is subtle and dry: this one is from the Australian ARMY, which (obviously) does not think much of the Aussie Navy or Air Force.

RULES FOR GUNFIGHTS

Royal Australian Infantry Rules for Gunfights:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no-one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a weapon whose magazine capacity does not start with a '3' and end with a '0'.
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating.

4 RAR (Cdo) Rules For Gunfight:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SASR Rules For Gunfights:
1. Walk in 100 km wearing 50kilo pack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted because 'Higher' is going to send 4 RAR (Cdo) in by vehicle instead.
5. Walk out 100 km wearing a 50kilo pack while starving.

3RAR Rules For Gunfights:
1. Select a new beret to wear. Ensure beret is 2 sizes too small for your head.
2. Sew unique para wings on right shoulder. Put beret on.
3. Decide breeze is too strong to jump from plane. Stand around in your pretty beret.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted because 'Higher' is going to send 4 RAR (Cdo) in by vehicle instead.
5. Get shot for wearing a red beret to a gunfight.

Royal Australian Air Force Rules For Gunfights:
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on pay TV
4. Determine 'what is a gunfight'
5. Request more funding from Government with a 'killer' Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Parliamentarians, invite DoD & defence industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the grunts

Royal Australian Navy Rules For Gunfights:
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn
4. Send the grunts

~Bev




sargon
Sargon  (Level: 112.0 - Posts: 1256)
Mon, 10th Nov '08 11:23 PM

Military Truisms
• "Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.


ladyvol
Ladyvol  (Level: 205.4 - Posts: 5492)
Tue, 11th Nov '08 9:05 AM

I know a joke about the Marines but it's dirty...LOL!
Vickie

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 11th Nov '08 10:01 PM

I learned the hard way. At Marine graduation, a mom should NEVER, but NEVER tell a drill sgt that he was your son's favorite.



pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Tue, 11th Nov '08 10:20 PM

I know a dirty one too, google Barbie and GI Joe....

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Tue, 11th Nov '08 11:39 PM

Groans aplenty!


P.S. I googled Barbie and GI Joe.

I had suspicions that Ken was a premat... ejac......




papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.4 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 11th Nov '08 11:57 PM

You heard about the urologist's favorite couple, didn't you?

She had stress incontinence, he had premature ejaculation.

The doc's nickname for them was Easy Come and Easy Go.

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Wed, 12th Nov '08 8:55 AM

LOL Ron!


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