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(Level: 160.5 - Posts: 2476)
Wed, 12th Nov '08 8:38 PM
couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.' Where have you been?!' Demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man was suddenly struck with remorse at the way he had betrayed this woman he loved.' Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary; and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.' The wife looked devastated, and glanced down at his shoes.' You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first. "I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
(Level: 116.2 - Posts: 372)
Fri, 14th Nov '08 11:48 PM
Sorry - can't help myself (this might not even qualify under "couple's jokes", but it's pretty funny:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s#&t again; you're in my closet now."
(Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Tue, 18th Nov '08 11:21 PM
There were two twin brothers-Joe & John~
Joe was single and the proud owner of a pretty shabby old boat. John's wife died the same day as Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kind old woman met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother, John, said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel absolutely terrible!"
Joe, wanting to reassure the woman that he was doing alright, replied, "Well, I'm not the least bit upset! She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish! Why, the very first time that I got into her she started passing water faster than any thing I'd ever seen before. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too! That hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like nothing anyone had ever seen!
But... what really finished her off ...well...four guys from the other side of town were out looking for a good time. They asked me if I would rent her out to them and I warned them that she wasn't so good. But, they insisted that they would take a crack at her anyway! The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was just too much for her. My poor girl-she cracked right up the middle!"
At this point the old lady fainted.
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