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Pennwoman  (Level: 151.8 - Posts: 2478)
Thu, 20th Nov '08 9:21 PM


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the 20 beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Thu, 20th Nov '08 10:13 PM

Hilarious! As I sit here within reach of almost every book Barry has written.

Mplaw51  (Level: 176.9 - Posts: 1582)
Thu, 20th Nov '08 11:55 PM

I love Dave Barry! This had me laughing out loud! Thanks for putting it up.

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 3:32 AM

Thanks Penn for a Laugh Out Loud period in my day.
Don't get too many of those lately....
Very much appreciated.

4getful1  (Level: 173.5 - Posts: 2876)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 4:50 AM

So funny! What a terrific way to start the day -- laughing out loud! Thank you very much for posting it, Penn.


Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 5:19 AM

Very funny, especially if you have had the pleasant experience. I had mine two years ago and it was a snap, the day before is the experience of a lifetime. The sad thing is that cemeteries are loaded with people who are terrified of this simple procedure. And guys, how about that pleasant "Prostate Exam". My urologist wears a size 12 glove, yeowwwwww !!!!. I don't see him unless I have an emergencey. I go to my VA where I had a female doctor with very petite fingers, "what a relief".

Kaufman  (Level: 253.9 - Posts: 3936)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 6:05 AM

EDITORS: Please remove this thread. That Barry guy is obviously a plagiarist:

But seriously, I was lucky. Didn't need that Moviprep. My doctor recommended some over-the-counter products that mixed with soda weren't nearly so horrible.

Snookerballs  (Level: 37.9 - Posts: 35)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 9:00 AM

Ken, I know a few people (men and women) who have had the procedure since me and all they had to take was two 10oz. bottles of flavored magnesia and two super Dolcolax tablets. They said clean as a whistle. I had that gallon bottle of dishwater, a dozen Dulcolax, two 10oz. bottles of magnesia and all the water I could drink (puked twice).

Pennwoman  (Level: 151.8 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 10:33 AM

The prep used around here is called "Go-lytely" HA!!

Bbear  (Level: 159.3 - Posts: 2301)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 11:31 AM

I was a GI nurse for a couple of years. The medication that is used for a colonscopy is a combination of a pain medication (usually Demerol) and Versed, which is a hypnotic. Although people appear to be wide awake often during a procedure (and you wouldn't believe what people say, I should have kept a journal!), people don't remember anything, because Versed causes amnesia.

The funniest patients are the older men!

During my tenure as a GI nurse, Tulane University Hospital decided that each nursing department had to have it's own color scrub, so of course, our little department choose army camouflage, so we were-----

GI Joes!

Pennwoman  (Level: 151.8 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 11:36 AM

GI Joes, I love it! Too funny! Did you know Versed was named that because you are "VERy SEDated"?

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 12:07 PM

BILL....I've been saving up all my Showdown Tokens to send for your Birthday
and now you don't want them....I'm so rejected, dejected, infected, suspected

KEN....It was really friendly of you to direct everyone to my two attempts at
Quiz-writing ( Hope you all took the quizzes ) Maybe you had been "thinking"
about a "con" ????

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 12:14 PM

I figured it out
It was the word
that was the

Stone  (Level: 35.0 - Posts: 259)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 1:39 PM

In this area, the prep used is called GoLytely (pronounced 'go lightly'). I'll bet the inventors have a great laugh with every royalty check. If I could figure out how to do the 'disappointed' emoticon, I would put it here; it is the exact expression one has when this stuff starts working!

Pennwoman  (Level: 151.8 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 1:46 PM

When I clicked on the link Kaufman posted, it took me to my list of quizzes that I had written... I suspect that happened to Rowlanda as well.

Lisap369  (Level: 61.1 - Posts: 992)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 1:52 PM

Same here.. that link takes me to my own quizzes

Missgeorge  (Level: 63.0 - Posts: 388)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 2:19 PM

There is a brand new product out called Osmo Prep. It is pills instead of having to drink a gallon of laxative.

Kaufman  (Level: 253.9 - Posts: 3936)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 6:14 PM

Sorry, people, that's what happens before 6AM. Try this link ...

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 6:22 PM

Thanks for telling me Penn and Lisa....though
I guess that means you didn't take my quizzes

Must be just Kauffman showing off his computer
genius....hahahaha Ken....well done.

Dwayla  (Level: 191.2 - Posts: 150)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 6:33 PM

How appropriate in timing. My dh just had this done, thankfully, it wasn't me He had the pills and I wasn't home that evening to see or hear the results

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Fri, 21st Nov '08 6:48 PM

Kaufee...that was a great quiz, but your introduction was the best part.

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