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Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Mon, 24th Nov '08 1:21 AM


Black November
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink."

"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."
♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠ Ω ♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠ Ω ♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠

The 12 Days of Thanksgiving

On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, "Amen!"
♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠ Ω ♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠ Ω ♣Ω ♥ Ω ♦ Ω ♠
Self Serving Chicken

6-7 LB chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn.

Salt and pepper chicken to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in oven. Listen for popping sounds; when chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, chicken is done

The Turkey Shot out of the Oven
(sung to the tune of MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE OCEAN)

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Kaelin  (Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Mon, 24th Nov '08 7:56 AM

On the first one, if she's smart, she'll just "redo it" as free-range turkey

Salzypat  (Level: 161.3 - Posts: 5414)
Mon, 24th Nov '08 8:43 AM

I think I'll have to help the grandkids sing the turkey song. That's cute!

Pennwoman  (Level: 161.8 - Posts: 2476)
Mon, 24th Nov '08 12:09 PM

LOL Misty, very cute

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