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(Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 7:02 AM
TO THOSE LIVING IN THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES
Dear family and friends in the Southern United States,
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there will be a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and Pork Rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe; he dips a little though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time ... Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ... " When Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. Ho, Ho, Ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! and you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) "gesturing" on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all AM radio stations in the South. Those titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Clause Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Johnny Paycheck's "If you Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove it."
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
(Level: 218.6 - Posts: 2701)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 10:26 AM
Love this! I'm passing it on to others in the South. Sorry if I've infringed on a copyright. Bubba will deal with that.
(Level: 133.7 - Posts: 21556)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 11:27 AM
Loved this-don't know as a former resident of the North and now the South (if one can count Florida) if It was insulting or not-never very good at picking upon nuances-incredibly funny though. What is going on with Chicago (Illinois) politics? not corruption again-thought those days were gone lol-Linda
(Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 12:27 PM
Gets Pepper back for the WP about Winter in Texas
while we're knee deep in snow up here in Canada....
Hope Bubba Claus gets drunk and forgets all about
delivering presents....or he uses the presents to start
the fire for his Holiday BBQ....
(Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 12:34 PM
I'm offended please delete as soon as possible.
(Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1139)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 2:36 PM
I like Carol so I wasn't going to respond to this at all. But when I see that people are considering passing this on to their friends in the South I must say - NO! STOP! Because it is offensive. Yes it's over the top stereotypes that shouldn't be taken seriously - but still, come on. I was born and raised in the South - I don't have a truck, don't own a gun, and don't have a confederate flag anywhere. I have never tasted a moon pie or RC cola. I don't have any relatives named Bubba or Jim Bob or Billy Bob. And I'm not saying that any one of these things is insulting - it's the message that it conveys that Southerners are uneducated and ignorant. Or that we are all first cousins! So, keep this thread if you like but please don't send it on to your "friends" in the South.They will wonder why you did.
Just one non redneck Southerner's opinion!
(Level: 217.9 - Posts: 5921)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 2:48 PM
So much for spreading Christmas cheer. I tried to take the post as it was I am sure intended......as a joke. Sadly, some took it way too personally. Also, the world abounds with ignorance, it is not just limited to the South or any other region. So I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday and celebrates the season however is most enjoyable for them. I certainly do NOT want any presents burned.......not a very charitable thought for the season.
(Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 3:30 PM
If Tsk had posted this, I would have been offended because of his statements about the south over and over and over - but he didn't so I took it in the spirit of fun that I believe was intended.
My favorite book when I was younger was A Cajun Night before Christmas, given to me by my Southern Louisiana grandparents - yes, those outside the culture would probably laugh and make fun of it, but those in the culture know that those people who laugh and make fun of us, really just don't understand - and since they are not open minded - will cling to their sterotypes - kind of like how all southerners display the Confederate Flag - all a bunch of hooey that the holier than thou will stick to their guns on and state as true even if it's not.
Don't let what other people think muck up the humor - I mean really - I can't stand people like Larry the Cable Guy - but Jeff Foxworthy, and I'm not a redneck - but I think it's funny as heck - and I know those around here who fit the bill, and they are able to do something others can't - laugh at themselves....
(Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 3:56 PM
And just to point out - that was not a "dig" at Tsk - it was a statement of fact - I don't expect he would post something like that - as he would know it to be inflammatory because of the statements he made about the south - now if he's sending it off to his friends - that's another story
- so sorry to "pick on you" Tsk - you put it out there in the past and I needed an example
(Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 10:48 PM
We in the south are used to jokes about our ways. i took it as a joke, cute, fits the stereotype. But nothing around my life fits that stereotype. That's why I enjoy the humor.
Now, this isn't a joke, but it IS my all-time favorite Texas Christmas story:
'Twas the night before Christmas In Texas, you know,
Way out on the Prairie, Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin Were Buddy and Sue
A dreamin' of Christmas Like me and like you.
Not stockings, but boots At the foot of their bed,
For this was in Texas, What more can be said.
When all of a sudden From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus It gave me a fright.
And I saw 'cross the Prairie Like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard Come out at a run.
The driver was geein' And hawin' with will,
And horses, not reindeer, He drove with such skill.
C'mon Buck and Poncho, And Prince to the right,
There'll be plenty o travelin' For ya'll tonight.
The driver in Levis And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson On top of his head.
As he stepped from his buckboard He was really a sight,
A beard and a moustache So curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, The children awoke,
And were both so astonished, That neither one spoke.
He filled up their boots With such presents galore
That neither could think Of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered The use of his jaws
He asked in a whisper, "Are you Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave A mysterious wink.
Then he leapt in the buckboard And said in his drawl,
'To the children of Texas, Merry Christmas, y'all.
(Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 9th Dec '08 11:07 PM
Cajun Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house,
Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.
De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.
I run like a rabbit to got to de do',
Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'.
As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon,
I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."
Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff,
Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff.
An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick,
I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.
Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came
He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
"Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!
To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall."
Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly,
W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.
Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.
Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail,
W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.
Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam,
An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam.
"Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."
He got on his foots an' jump like de cat
Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.
A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back,
He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.
His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly,
He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!
But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared.
He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.
He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head,
Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said:
"Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame,
Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."
So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof,
He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip,
De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.
An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go,
"Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"
(Level: 207.3 - Posts: 1120)
Wed, 10th Dec '08 12:16 AM
Me an' Bubba was discussing this post and decided we's right proud of it pitcherin' us more gooder than spected. Bubba was fixin' to plug up the lights that been strung up on his trailer since before that ole yaller tick hound of his was just a pup, ain't no point in takin' 'em down and then havin' to put 'em back up he says. We even got some on the toilet flower planter and the ol' Chevalay settin' up on blocks where we practice shootin' beer bottles off of. We got to arguin' the other day 'bout who'd win a race betwext ol' Santa and Superman, seein' as how they can both fly around the world like really fast an' all. I kept tellin' that idget that Superman ain't real, he's just a comic book feller, but Bubba he don't lissen, just like that time when Jim Bob an' Otis Jr. was a darin' him to pee on the 'lectric fence down at ole man Brown's place. I was a tellin' him he ort not do it, but sure enough, few seconds later there's ol Bubba a layin' on the ground with his eyes all a goggle backed in his head, an him wet from head to toe. I swear, if'n he wasn't my cousin I'd quit goin' out with his sister Onie Belle.
(Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 10th Dec '08 1:10 AM
(Level: 226.1 - Posts: 1935)
Wed, 10th Dec '08 2:39 AM
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