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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Tue, 30th Dec '08 3:04 PM

UM, ERRR, THE SALTY CAT!

Cat wisdom

RULES CATS LIVE BY


Demand Attention.
You may have to lie on someone's head while they sleep or plant your body in front of the television while they watch, but don't rest until you get all you're entitled to.

Speech is Overrated.
You don't have to talk to be the most adorable and lovable one in the house.

Put Up With Your Parents.
So they make you wear Rhinestones - - - it's not the end of the world. Besides, they are the ones who feed you.

Use Your Senses.
Smell, taste, and touch everything, be it an old shoe or a speck of dirt. Even the smallest item is worthy of your attention.

Practice Good Hygiene.
If you're dirty, do what you must, where you must, when you must. It doesn't matter who's watching.

Stand Up For Yourself
If someone bothers you, get your back up and show a little claw. You're too cute to be yelled at.

There's No Such Thing As Too Much Groveling.
Don't be afraid to cuddle, purr, and nuzzle shamelessly to get your way.

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify.
All that's really required is that you eat, sleep, love and be loved, and well - - - do your business

~~~

RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath so much the better. for guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain.


Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.


Do not allow closed doors in any room. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.


If one person is busy and another idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin unless you can lie across the book itself. For people doing paperwork, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - - - pens, pencils, etc. - - - one at a time.


Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing between 2 and 4 a.m.

~~~~~

NOTES FROM AN EXPERIENCED CAT

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.


I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.


I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs and them puke them up so my human can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.


I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."


I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.


I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my human's bed while they are sleeping.

Screaming at a can of tuna will not make it open itself.


Staring into the fireplace will not make the flames and heat appear.

If I stick my paw into a container to see if there is anything in it, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.


If I bite the cactus it will bite back.


It is not a good idea to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in hot coffee.


When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.


I will not play, "dead cat on the stairs," when my humans are going up or down, or else one of these days it will really come true.

When my human is typing at the computer her forearms are not a hammock.


Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.



I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.


I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 1 am. to tell her she is forgiven and can now pet me.


If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.


If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.



A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for naps.









bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Tue, 30th Dec '08 3:18 PM

Hilarious, and SO true!!

Thanks for sharing, that made my day.
~Bev

lancaster
Lancaster  (Level: 228.1 - Posts: 176)
Tue, 30th Dec '08 4:22 PM

Someone REALLY knows cats! Super!

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 30th Dec '08 6:34 PM

Those are truly fall in the floor hilarious! The half in-half out one is a daily routine here. But the "experienced cat" lines literally are the funniest I've read all year! Thanks for posting. (Think I'll print them out and frame them for future reference when I'm pulling my hair out at school)

bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 6:38 AM

pennwoman you have outdone yourself, i have shown everyone i know, the whole 4 of them, this list. i have 4 cats, and this is the best thing i have read on cat behaviour. it is sooooo funny, thanks for making my night.

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 6:55 AM

Funny

rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 7:21 AM

That half in and half out thing applies equally to dogs....

And if the human does not allow that compromise.
simply WHINE at the door repeatedly - as if you have
the world's worst diarrhoeal stomach ache - then once
you have made it outside, sit at the door loking pathetic.
and WHINE as if you are soooo lonely or about to freeze

That will amuse the human and youself for at least 15 mins.
When the human starts to yell - lie down and sleep for four
hours, and then repeat the process....

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 8:59 AM

Oh Rowlanda, THAT IS EXCACTLY what my four legged monsters did to me last night -- out FOUR times between 9pm and 1am -- then had the nerve to not want to go outside when we got up this am!

francesann
Francesann  (Level: 55.5 - Posts: 124)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 1:26 PM

Brother/sister cats - do not forget to stick your bottom right in front of your owners face, they love it!!

barb1111
Barb1111  (Level: 104.1 - Posts: 215)
Tue, 6th Jan '09 11:34 PM

That was just too funny and too darn true. At the end of the semester when I was grading papers my darling decided to roll around on all the piles. Before I handed them back I had to ask if any of my students were allergic to cats. Fortunately none were.


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