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Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 6:07 AM


I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous. Little did I suspect!

I was on Brice Street, a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should have posed no real danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die, you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Then, instantly, he set upon me. If I had not known better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. The furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, in the fight of his life with a squirrel ... and losing!

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should | have ended right there ... It really should have.

The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely-kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed on home. No one would have been the wiser--but this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary, angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK, and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved ... not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back, unfortunately, put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can only have one result--torque. This is what the Harley is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Big Harley screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly-squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was simply overloaded.

I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. Also, about this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn and blood-stained T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly-closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of--so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn, blood-stained T-shirt flapping in the breeze, wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live-squirrel-grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams ... They weren't mine.

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back) ... I really would have. Really ... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and pieces of foam and upholstery flying from the back seat. I could also swear I saw that squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That was one dangerous squirrel ... and now he had a patrol car. Granted, it was a somewhat-shredded patrol car, but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, flipped on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves ... and a whole lot of Band-Aids!

Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4285)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 6:32 AM

I would give anything to read the police report.

That was hysterical. Thanks for sharing. Hope you have a lot of Neosporin.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 6:36 AM


That was truly rolling in the floor laughing hilarious.

Pennwoman  (Level: 161.8 - Posts: 2476)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 8:19 AM

Oh Wow, this the funniest thing I have read in AGES!

Ladyvol  (Level: 212.3 - Posts: 5650)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 8:19 AM

Thanks for my first laugh of the day...I too, would like to see the police report on this one...ROFL

Nelly  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1167)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 8:34 AM

ROFL . . . . . gasp . . . tears streaming down face! Thanks! They now think I'm completely certifiable at work!

Pennwoman  (Level: 161.8 - Posts: 2476)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 10:12 AM

When my son started hunting, he "stuffed" one of the squirrels, he did a fine job of it, but the rest of us referred to it as "Creepy Squirrel". For years the kids would put tiny toy guns in its paws or a Barbie doll head in its mouth. When he went to the Air Force, we sent him Creepy Squirrel to keep at his house, I can probably get it for you as a momento!

1mks  (Level: 219.5 - Posts: 5925)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 10:21 AM

Thanks for starting my day off with a bang.........I too, had tears streaming down my face.

Caramel1  (Level: 135.1 - Posts: 21589)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 10:42 AM

Great story couldn't stop laughing. The only one I remember having a similar effect of my warped sense of humor (yes, I do have one) was one about "bathroom humor" from a member now departed-thanks-Linda

Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1139)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 11:32 AM

Please tell me this is going to be a movie of the week! You have a way in telling a story - incredible - very funny! Thanks for the laughs! Oh yeah, and I hope you have made a full recovery!

Zeedee  (Level: 234.3 - Posts: 1088)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 11:57 AM

I'm just a little confused. Whose story is this? The story is about "a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser," but your profile says you are a 48-year-old mother of three.
(It is a hilarious story in any case, and you do tell it well.)

Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1139)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 12:02 PM

me too.

Salzypat  (Level: 161.6 - Posts: 5414)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 3:26 PM

One of the members of our humane society found a little squirrel in the street about 6:30 p.m. yesterday. He couldn't walk and appeared to have a broken back. Were you the one who inflicted the injuries on the little guy?

That was a hilarious story. Thanks for a good laugh.

Headylamar  (Level: 154.1 - Posts: 740)
Thu, 22nd Jan '09 6:17 PM

OMG!! So funny! Thanks for posting it!

Crazy4games  (Level: 124.7 - Posts: 1019)
Fri, 23rd Jan '09 12:47 AM

That was freakin' hilarious!! Thanks so much for sharing. I needed that.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Fri, 23rd Jan '09 12:52 AM

Misty Kim is a writer - and a darn good one too.

Bbear  (Level: 167.3 - Posts: 2297)
Fri, 23rd Jan '09 9:49 AM

That would be a great episode of some off-the-wall TV show. Extremely well written and very, very funny.

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Sat, 24th Jan '09 1:04 AM

Yes...thank you....that was also the best laugh I've had in a week.
I've heard squirrels are very bad-tempered, especially when you
don't feed them - but never heard of one this crazed....
Hope you've had your rabies shots updated.

Tuzilla  (Level: 144.8 - Posts: 3839)
Sat, 24th Jan '09 12:58 PM


I was starting breakfast this morning when I heard a strange noise coming from the basement. It was the sound of a toy used during the Chinese Lantern Festival, but why? I went do the stairs, found the toy, turned it off. It looked like it may have be the victim of a junk avalanche, but then, suddenly, I heard another noise. A few steps towards the boxes where the noise originated, a bit of shuffling, and I saw it, a fox squirrel. He ran and got behind the freezer. The board was set... the pieces are moving

Apparently, the screen sealing the chimney to my fireplace had worked loose, permitting the curious rodent to wrangle his way in. He worked his way down the passed the closed flue and into the basement, where he had discovered the ash pit door could be easily pushed open...voila...squirrel in the basement.

What ensued was a game of hide-and-seek, catch me if you can. I really didn't want to harm the rascally rodent, but he had to go. My basement windows have screens over the glass that can be knocked out in a fire-type emergency, but require a bunch of unscrewing from the outside to remove them without damage. So armed with a stiff nylon broom, the only options were to chase it upstairs, into the main house (and have my wife kill me for turning a fur covered wrecking machine loose amid her valuable this and thats, or chase him back up from whence he was spawned.

I was soon to realize that chasing a panicky squirrel through an ash pit door is like herding cats, aiming an inflated balloon and then releasing it, or trying to get a dog into the Vet's office after it had gotten a shot on the last visit...not gonna happen easy. Still, like the British bulldog, I pressed forth with resolve and conviction. After ten minutes of pursuit, the squirrel took haven under the freezer by the motor. All of this time it was chattering up a storm...not just one of the brief showers with one or two strikes of lightning and a couple claps of polite thunder storm...but a full-blown, gullywashing, tornado dropping, home wrecker.

It took five minutes, but I finally wrestled the freezer far enough away from the wall to gain access with my broom handle. This launched him out, into the main basement. My house has a double basement. The first part is mostly a laundry room with a freezer, water heater and a few storage shelves. The second part is much larger and has the furnace, storage, plus an office area taking up the third furthest from the entry.

I chased him back into the smaller room, but could not come to a mutual agreement whereby he would peacefully exit via the conveniently wide open ash pit door. Instead, he opted for another 4-5 goes at the big room. My basement floor is painted with gray floor paint, and he could not get good traction on it. This was his only vulnerable time. I tried to think of ways to catch it...blankets, net, etc. But nothing was really going to work amid all of the clutter. So, even though my hockey stick was upstairs in the garage, it was time to go Probert.

On the next go around in the big room, when the squirrel came off the shelves and hit the floor, I got called for a cross check followed by slashing, fighting and was ejected for game misconduct...all in about 3 seconds. The squirrel (takes off my toque) is in a better place, I hope.

Salzypat  (Level: 161.6 - Posts: 5414)
Sat, 24th Jan '09 3:26 PM

One thing about it, you didn't need to go to the gym that day to exercise!

Tuzilla  (Level: 144.8 - Posts: 3839)
Sat, 24th Jan '09 3:34 PM

That day was today, about 8:30am.

And the topper, after I all of the ruckus in the basement, I came upstairs and had to wake up my wife to tell her about it...sigh...

Naomi4195  (Level: 51.7 - Posts: 184)
Sun, 25th Jan '09 1:48 PM

That was absolutely hysterical. I was sitting here with tears and could barely catch my breath. You should try your hand at writing, you definitely have a gift.LOL

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Sun, 25th Jan '09 10:48 PM

I could say something about the squirrel choosing
YOUR house, because he smelled a NUT....

But I too laughed like H*** at both stories, and
thanked my stars it wasn't me in either situation.

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