You are not signed in (Login or Join Free)   |   Help
Sploofus Trivia
Trivia GamesCommunityLeaderboardsTournaments
MySploofus
You are here:  Home  >>  Chat Forums  >>  The Salty Dog  >>  View Chat Message

View Chat Message



Pages:  1    


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 6th Feb '09 10:59 AM

JOKES

THINK!
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

~~~
slogins
Local ad for a Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "

At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
From M. Dartnall

allena
Allena  (Level: 255.0 - Posts: 1389)
Fri, 6th Feb '09 11:19 AM

If you are, had or want to be a MOM, try this:

http://elev8.blackplanet.com/better-living/video-the-mom-song/

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Fri, 6th Feb '09 9:24 PM

Thanks! I needed these today.

gerryn
Gerryn  (Level: 18.7 - Posts: 141)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 7:25 AM

Martina, you woke me up today. You always seem to find a way to brighten up the day...Thanks..

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 11:05 AM

The highway patrolman stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. As he began to fill out the form, he asked the man for his name.

"Fred," the somewhat nervous driver replied.

"Fred what?" the officer queried further.

"Just Fred," came the flat response.

Again the officer pressed him for a last name, and the man insisted that he
used to have a last name, but had lost it. Thinking he must have a nutcase on his hands, the officer decided to play along with the fellow.

"Tell me, Fred," he asked condescendingly, "how did you happen to lose your last name?"

"It's a long story, so please stay with me...

"I was born Fred Dingaling - I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while, I got bored with being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry became my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was then Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"I soon got bored with dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. Thus, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. That made me become Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.

"Soon the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

"Finally, the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away, laughing so hard he was in tears, tearing up the warning ticket he had been planning to complete.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 12:15 PM

The Elk Hunters
Dave and Bo went elk hunting every year. The forest was so thick that they had to hire a helicopter to take them in and out. At the hunt's end, Dave and Bo called up the helicopter to come and get them and the six elks they had shot.
On arrival, the helicopter pilot looked over the catch. "I can only carry half of your catch," he said. "Six elk would be too heavy for the helicopter."

"Last year the helicopter carried six elk," replied Dave. "And it was the same type of helicopter as yours and the weather conditions were exactly the same."

The pilot succumbed to persuasion and took aboard the hunters and their six elk. The helicopter could not gain height and skimmed along the tops of the trees for a mile or so, and then crashed. Fortunately no-one was hurt.
"Do you know where we are?" asked Bo.

"Yes," replied Dave, "about a hundred yards from where we crashed last year."


allena
Allena  (Level: 255.0 - Posts: 1389)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 12:16 PM

President Barack Obama is mulling a controversial new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.

While the unorthodox tax proposal is reportedly "only in the planning stages," it is being eyed as a possible way to balance the Federal budget.

"According to projections, if members of the Cabinet actually paid their taxes, we could wind up with a budget surplus in excess of $18.2 billion," said Obama economic adviser Paul Volcker.

Mr. Volcker said he strongly favored the plan, but added, "Fortunately for me, I'm not officially in the Cabinet."

But imposing taxes on Cabinet members may be easier said than done, critics of the plan warn.

"Remember, these people are not used to paying taxes," said one White House source. "They are going to be hopping mad about this."

Another wrinkle in the plan is how the taxes would actually be collected, with President Obama reportedly favoring a cash-at-the-door entry fee for every Cabinet meeting.

"If they don't have the money, they don't get in," said the source. "They're not going to be able to just sail into the White House for free like the Jonas Brothers."

When told of Mr. Obama's plan to make his Cabinet members pay taxes, Fmr. Sen. Tom Daschle responded, "Whew! Sounds like I dodged a bullet."



dona
Dona  (Level: 203.1 - Posts: 14)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 12:32 PM

Local ad for a Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."




monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Sat, 7th Feb '09 12:47 PM

The Bottle of Wine

Mary was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said,
"Good trade."

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Mon, 9th Feb '09 2:11 AM

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He

finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So

the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.


The medicine woman says, I can cure this. That said, she throws a white powder in a

flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.Then she says, This is powerful

medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say 1-2-3 and it shall

rise for as long as you wish!


The guy then asks, What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?


The medicine woman replies: All you or your partner has to say is 1-2-3-4, and it

will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!


Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is

ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving

lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, 1-2-3.


He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine

woman had promised.


Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, What did you say 1-2-3 for??


And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 9th Feb '09 8:18 AM

Great jokes guys!

Grandma's birth control pills


The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most

of her life finally retired.A t her next checkup, the new

doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for her.

A s the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew

wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control

pills.


"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?


"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these

that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and
mix it in the glass o f orange juice that my 16 year old

granddaughter drinks.........

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."



ladyvol
Ladyvol  (Level: 205.2 - Posts: 5484)
Mon, 9th Feb '09 10:12 AM

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Mon, 9th Feb '09 11:38 PM


The Rolling Stones aren't as young as they used to be.

Rumor has it that they're working on a new album called "Steel Wheelchairs"

Tracks include:
Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
Let’s Take A Nap Together
I Can’t Get No Circulation
It’s Only Dulcolax but I Like It
Help Me Up!
Gimmie a Tax Shelter
Brown Splenda
19th Hip Replacement
Limpin' Jack Flash
You Can't Always Chew What You Want
She’s So Old and
Nursing Home Women

schoolhaterco
Schoolhaterco  (Level: 1.1 - Posts: 3)
Tue, 10th Feb '09 3:48 AM

He I'v got one!

If horses get seedy toe, what do Reinder get?

Mistel toe!!!

LOL! LOL!

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 10th Feb '09 9:02 PM

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

● The pilot of that airplane that hit those geese and then went down in the Hudson River was on “60 Minutes.” The geese were on the Food Network.


sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Tue, 10th Feb '09 9:42 PM

These are all great. Enjoyed the "bottle of wine" especially!

resolsufoolps
Resolsufoolps  (Level: 20.7 - Posts: 95)
Sat, 14th Feb '09 10:27 AM

Thanks Pennwoman for starting this "joke" thread, and for all the funny material you contribute to the sploofus salty dog forum. This is one "sploofuser" who really appreciates your efforts to cheer us up when we come to the sploofus forums.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Mon, 16th Feb '09 5:23 PM

Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

collioure
Collioure  (Level: 104.7 - Posts: 9952)
Mon, 16th Feb '09 5:36 PM

Yup, three cheers for the bottle of wine.

That was wonderful, Alison

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Mon, 16th Feb '09 11:12 PM

My First Time

It was my first time ever and I'll never forget
I'd do it again without a single regret.
The sky was dark the moon was high
We were all alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin soft her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how but I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once the white stuff came.
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever ...
v
v
V
V
v
v
V
V
v
v
V
V
v
v
V
V

At milking a cow.

NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 7:45 AM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who
was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him about, "What time of night is this to be
getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and
I'm not reheating it" And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a double shot of whiskey and
headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up
the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, James Wright , had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not
be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have
had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good
news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was
greeted by the sight of the front of her husband, naked,
bent over, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER LET UP?!"

pandora0513
Pandora0513  (Level: 75.2 - Posts: 11)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 9:58 AM

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School;

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking
of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when
she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she
could listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that
opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters


mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 3:18 PM

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us girls when we were little:

Once upon a time

in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.



The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping

in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "



That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sauteed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine

and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't friggin' think so.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 10:46 PM

That really is a shame. Silly princess. I'd think a talking frog would bring quite a bit of money on EBay.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 10:31 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night When the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But, what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 10:11 PM

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
Looking up at him, she replies, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobies too!

bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 10:58 PM

just read this post, i dont have usage of a computer till the week end, anyway, that mom song has been taken off by the user, i'll try utube. and all the jokes on here are great, i use them at work.

bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 11:03 PM

good on you misty, thats another cow joke, ahahahah


Pages:  1    



Copyright © 2003-2016 Sploofus Holdings LLC.  All rights reserved.
Legal Notice & Privacy Statement  |  Link to Sploofus