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felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 12:19 PM

PUNCHLINES ONLY!

Please list your favorite punchline(s). Do not post the joke itself.


Examples:

Oh! I thought you said 'goat".
Patty O'Furniture
Hey Lady! Your sign fell down!

tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.0 - Posts: 3778)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 12:28 PM

Great thread idea!

Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

That's right. Tonight I am the designated drunk.

And that is why fish smell like they do.

He knows he is Jesus. He thinks he is Tiger Woods.

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 12:28 PM


Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?

Aren't you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?

What did the chicken do?

knerd
Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1141)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 12:31 PM

"You sick bastard, we only have regular porn!"

knerd
Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1141)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 12:41 PM

Great idea, Felix! Fun!

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 1:03 PM

"Dead"? I thought she was English.

oldcougar
Oldcougar  (Level: 220.4 - Posts: 1935)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 1:09 PM

I'm a drake & you made a mistake

suzannec
Suzannec  (Level: 247.1 - Posts: 616)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 1:09 PM

"I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

skidrowkiddo
Skidrowkiddo  (Level: 4.4 - Posts: 21)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 2:01 PM

...and then he went back to Texas.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 2:07 PM

"It's not bad for a priest in a small parish!"

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 3:49 PM

"Okay, where's the Eskimo woman I have to kill?"

bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 4:01 PM

......."Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

scrabq
Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:03 PM

If you had a pig like this, you wouldn't eat him all at once, would you?

Clean my house!

N-n-n-no w-w-w-way!



felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:08 PM

Except for the piece of corn, it looks just like the president.

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:22 PM

"...and for my third wish - I wish I'd all my friends back."

"No - I'm Tessa Sanderson."

"Well I'm an Arsenal fan, but I'm not hungry."

"...and, just on the cusp of hearing, a wee voice could be heard singing: it's a long way to tip a Rarie..."

"You're Thor?! I'm tho thor I can hardly pith..."

ne1410s
Ne1410s  (Level: 238.8 - Posts: 24)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:37 PM

No, No!! You put the potato in the FRONT of your shorts.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6642)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:43 PM

A frog in a liquidizer

All of them

And that m'lud concludes the case for the defence

bokeelia
Bokeelia  (Level: 188.1 - Posts: 114)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:44 PM

I don't know the other 2 but the guy in the middle is Fidel Castro

linenlady
Linenlady  (Level: 159.1 - Posts: 306)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:49 PM

"Know it!? Hell, I wrote it!"

avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:50 PM

"I think someone has stolen our tent."

"Well, I have to be going. I've heard Big Bad John is coming."

(Is there a website of "classic jokes," where I can see the rest of these jokes?!)



avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 5:54 PM

An alternative ending to Linenladies' punch line:

"No, but hum a few bars, and I'll catch on."

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 6:00 PM

I can't be sure about the Pope, but that's definitely Jim Johnson from Itasca, Texas up there!

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 256.9 - Posts: 3936)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 6:23 PM

There's a dead horse up on blocks in the front yard.

dutchman
Dutchman  (Level: 234.1 - Posts: 36)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 6:27 PM

"We call it 'The Aristocrats'!"

tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.0 - Posts: 3778)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 8:44 PM

3. One to hire a Democrat to do the work, and two to sit around and complain about how much better the old one was.

Hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag, bob

Give me a 6.

The smartest talk show host in America just jumped out the door with my backpack.

suzer22
Suzer22  (Level: 165.6 - Posts: 1982)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 9:25 PM

Poker? I hardly know her!

That's not soap, it's a radio.

2 - One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine parts.

Because not very many of them know how to dance

skidrowkiddo
Skidrowkiddo  (Level: 4.4 - Posts: 21)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 9:44 PM

Mr. Completely

..has crack-up!

by I.P.Freely

...bucket

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.3 - Posts: 1120)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 10:09 PM

"Okay....catch that fart and paint it green!"

avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 10:23 PM

"I don't know who he is, but the Pope is his driver!"

allena
Allena  (Level: 255.6 - Posts: 1391)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 10:27 PM

Brothers schmothers, I’m the one that gave up drinking for Lent.

You ‘mericans can’t get anything right: You eat with the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

I was just envisioning how condoms are made!


carreau
Carreau  (Level: 236.9 - Posts: 140)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 10:36 PM

If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder.

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 11:01 PM

"Dollar forty five! Dollar forty five!"

The Catholic priest turns to the lawyer and says "Do you think we have time?"

You think your day was rough? Today the gardner dropped dead in the rose bushes.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Wed, 18th Feb '09 11:04 PM

2-4-5 3-4-10

markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 259.5 - Posts: 198)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 4:05 AM

Have you got change of a Zonk?


One of it's legs is both the same


One feels hope in her soul..........

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 5:57 AM

Oogie, that is one of the first jokes that I ever heard. I started to list that one as an example. Thanks for the laugh.

tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.0 - Posts: 3778)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 12:22 PM

Wait! I coming with you!

A pawnshop.

Hello, ladies.

Everyone else rides the horse to town.

carreau
Carreau  (Level: 236.9 - Posts: 140)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 1:15 PM

He doesn't even belong to the club.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6642)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 4:27 PM

Thank you Carreau and oogieboy for listing punchlines that were in my mind to put down as well and that made me laugh just thinking of them.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 5:45 PM

Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 5:46 PM

Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 5:48 PM

Wet me wephwase that. I want to see her wun awound the wacetwack.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 19th Feb '09 5:53 PM

Twenty bucks, Father, same as in town.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 20th Feb '09 9:31 AM

"Brooklyn. There's hundreds of them."

superdud
Superdud  (Level: 13.4 - Posts: 12)
Fri, 20th Feb '09 10:36 AM

The red ring is lipstick.The brown ring is Skoal.

bokeelia
Bokeelia  (Level: 188.1 - Posts: 114)
Fri, 20th Feb '09 10:43 AM

and the winner is....George Bush

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Fri, 20th Feb '09 12:02 PM

"It's unclear if he said that things were going to change" or "that we'd all be on the street corner asking for change?" LMAO!!!

scrabq
Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 4:28 AM

But you can't have my thermos flask.

I don't know, but it started from a pimple on my bum.

I think I'll have another go at the corgi.

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 6:43 AM

"We will honour the last request of this brave soul: but first - rumpy pumpy."

"One makes your day..."

"Two-dogs FIGHTING? He'd have given his right arm to have been called Two-dogs Fighting..."

"I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after." (which is not the best line from the sketch, but it is the pay-off line. The best line is - "I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you." This may be the funniest line ever uttered... http://mm.iit.uni-miskolc.hu/Lart/monty/oneleg.html)






bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 7:01 AM

under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 8:52 PM

"No, no. Just here to get my nails trimmed".

She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her.

whistle with his pecker.

"Stay off your bicycle for a week."

And before he could say "F**k", the Rottweiler ate him .

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."



knerd
Knerd  (Level: 99.0 - Posts: 1141)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 10:15 PM

Martin, thanks for posting that link - that is hilarious!

koota
Koota  (Level: 181.9 - Posts: 2104)
Sat, 21st Feb '09 11:04 PM

The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!


Whut's whut? I'll take 5 bucks worth!



garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6642)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 12:22 AM

Mama says its for after the funeral.


scrabq
Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 6:51 AM

When do we hear the whole of these stories? I think I know only two of the punchlines.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 7:34 AM

"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"

"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"


"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.

carreau
Carreau  (Level: 236.9 - Posts: 140)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 9:29 AM

A reptile dysfunction.

bokeelia
Bokeelia  (Level: 188.1 - Posts: 114)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 11:15 AM

if I do it'll taste like Pina Colada

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Sun, 22nd Feb '09 11:32 AM

"OK, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads."

markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 259.5 - Posts: 198)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 6:59 AM

Bing Sings and Walt Disney.....

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.3 - Posts: 1120)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 11:37 PM

"Superman you're a mean drunk!"

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.3 - Posts: 1120)
Tue, 24th Feb '09 11:41 PM

"And that's how he came up with the theory of relative-titty"

luvnmexsun
Luvnmexsun  (Level: 147.4 - Posts: 711)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 12:27 AM

And Poof! He had three inch legs.

diva305
Diva305  (Level: 146.7 - Posts: 1651)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 12:58 AM

Pursing her lips "What did you say?"

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 2:50 PM

...that's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.”

quackinator
Quackinator  (Level: 168.2 - Posts: 151)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 4:52 PM

....because deep down, they're good people...

The box said 3-5 years!!!

allena
Allena  (Level: 255.6 - Posts: 1391)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 6:09 PM

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..

The fairy said, sorry, Mac! Now you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.

They're not up THERE anymore, Walter.

mistymented1
Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 7:09 PM

The moral of the story is: If the foo shits, wear it.

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.3 - Posts: 1120)
Wed, 25th Feb '09 7:11 PM

"Ghost?!...I thought you said goat!"

bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 6:47 AM

pardon me boys, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes


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