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Salzypat  (Level: 158.1 - Posts: 5353)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 9:26 AM


This probably has been in before but it's worth a good chuckle this morning.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less

(2) don't ask for money all the time

(3) are easier to train

(4) normally come when called

(5) never ask to drive the car

don't hang out with drug-using people

(7) don't smoke or drink

(8) don't want to wear your clothes

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Gypsylady  (Level: 143.5 - Posts: 6064)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 9:49 AM

Thanks, Pat! That really is cute and also true!


Nelly  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 1167)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 2:44 PM

Thanks Pat! Could you try telling our 'lodger' about the bed please! Since he began squatting 12 months ago he appears to have staked a claim to the bed - preferably all of it!

Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 2:51 PM

LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! Thanks, Pat. That was an especially good laugh today, as I'm tending wee Buster, who had his nubbits nipped yesterday, poor guy. He's recuperating in my bed as I type. Not feeling much like jumping the fence today.

I don't think he's up for it, either.

Salzypat  (Level: 158.1 - Posts: 5353)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 3:21 PM

Awww, poor Buster. I'm sure he'll forgive you in a day or so. In the meantime, the privilege of occupying a nice soft bed will do quite nicely!

Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 3:27 PM

Yes, it's nice that he's too sore and dopey to push me off.

Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Thu, 26th Feb '09 10:15 PM

Being an animal lover, i've always loved that!
Here are a couple of other's about our fur-friends...

Mind games dogs play with humans

1. After your humans give you a bath
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if
you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're
talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee',
sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make
sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your
humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every
time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet
them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one
of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon
as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back
asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)


1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.
9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.
11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.
23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.
24. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.
25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
26. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.
28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are here.
29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
30. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back and I'll have another shot at him.

Aquamar  (Level: 181.1 - Posts: 912)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 1:20 AM

Hilarious! Thanks so much for the laughs.

Bobbsey  (Level: 155.0 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 5:58 AM

missdemented, saltzypat, combined, you have it all covered, everything you've both written, and i am sure some of you will come up with more, i have experienced at one time or another over the years. big thanks to both of you for making my night a happy one. thanks

Bobbsey  (Level: 155.0 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 6:00 AM

mistymented, sorry about that.

Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Fri, 27th Feb '09 2:36 PM

ahhh... now i finally see why my husband suggested my alias !

hmph...just wait until he gets home!!!

Wishbone  (Level: 36.5 - Posts: 22)
Sat, 28th Feb '09 10:42 AM

Wow, thats given me the best laugh in ages.

Mistymented1  (Level: 26.0 - Posts: 163)
Wed, 4th Mar '09 3:07 AM

Cat Food

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

Koota  (Level: 183.8 - Posts: 2111)
Wed, 4th Mar '09 8:28 PM


Crazy4games  (Level: 123.0 - Posts: 1019)
Fri, 6th Mar '09 11:12 AM

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8 :00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear.
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now....

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