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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 11:13 AM

MEN

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.



goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 11:34 AM

NUMBER ONE!!! OMG!!! LMAO!!!!!

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 11:42 AM

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - she stands perfectly still and holds it while the world revolves around her.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 11:50 AM




garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6645)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 12:05 PM

That reminds me of the Jo Brand joke,
'They say the fastest way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I say its a quick upward stab between the ribs'

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 12:07 PM

A WOMAN'S POEM



He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 12:08 PM

LOL all!!

pandora0513
Pandora0513  (Level: 75.2 - Posts: 11)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 12:12 PM

Those were great! Thanks for sharing. Here is one back.

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards.
A heart to love him.
A diamond to marry him.
A club to bash his (insert profanity here) head in.
A spade to bury the bas*&rd.

I do like men...really I do...


davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 12:57 PM

I find this a little sexist, degrading men in such a way, we males have fought for so long for equality and yet we are still mocked and ridiculed, was the vote for nothing, men join me, we must unite and burn our er socks in protest

surreyman
Surreyman  (Level: 261.2 - Posts: 2770)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:03 PM

But why on earth should we care about these silly women prattling?
(Duck!)

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:06 PM

Good point, they should be at home cooking or sewing or stroking little fluffy kittens, damn the man that gave them a voice

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:18 PM

Sewing? What's that?

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.6 - Posts: 1120)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:31 PM

It's Adam's fault. After naming all the animals he was still lonely so God presented him with his latest effort to name, to which Adam exclaimed "Woh-Man!" and God thought he had done well enough.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:38 PM

BAHAHAHAHA!

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 1:41 PM

Two guys are out ice fishing, just quietly fishing and drinking beer. Very quietly so as not to scare the fish, Bob says "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months."

Earl sips his beer for a spell, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. A woman like that is hard to find."

pandora0513
Pandora0513  (Level: 75.2 - Posts: 11)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 2:11 PM

Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.....
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And... Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


gerryn
Gerryn  (Level: 18.7 - Posts: 141)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 2:23 PM

You guys are a riot...you made my day....

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 5:21 PM

Pandora, that was a hoot, as where the other posts.


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 7:17 PM

What do you do when your ex-husband is screaming and crying and rolling around on the ground?
Shoot him again.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 7:31 PM

A cabbie picks up a nun, who notices that the handsome cab driver keeps staring at her. She asks him why he is staring, and he replies "I have something to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're my age and have been a nun as long as I have, you've seen and heard just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that would offend me."

"Well," says the cabbie, "I've always had the fantasy of a nun kissing me." The nun replies, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you must be single and second, you must be Catholic."

The cabbie is very excited and says, "Yes, yes, I am single, and I am Catholic!"

"Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a smooch that would make a working girl blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, sister, for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess - I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay - my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."




sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 7:40 PM

LOL!!

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 8:46 PM

LMAO Smoke!

chickfbref1
Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2012)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 9:17 PM

A woman without a man is like.....

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 9:18 PM

a chicken without lips. Guys, I like you, I really do!

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.6 - Posts: 1120)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 9:28 PM

Statistics say that married men live longer than single men.....I think it just seems like a long long time.

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 9:52 PM

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your last name stays put.

- The garage is all yours.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Foreplay is optional.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, all the time.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 8:58 AM


davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 9:03 AM

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 9:10 AM

>clink<

snookerballs
Snookerballs  (Level: 37.9 - Posts: 35)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 10:29 AM

A guy I worked with said he had "TWO ASSES". One got up and went to work, the other stayed home in a warm bed.

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 10:59 AM

I hope he at least made the bed after he finally decided to get up.

wishbone
Wishbone  (Level: 36.5 - Posts: 22)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 11:13 AM

Haha great posting.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 1:26 PM

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 1:33 PM

LMAO!!! That is too funny!

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 7:13 PM

Men are like...

...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.


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