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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 7:25 PM

GOLF JOKES

Its almost spring, which means its almost time for golf - and baseball, but having the Pirates in Pittsburgh is enough of a joke......

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 7:42 PM

okay, I don't get it....

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 8:27 PM

fore!

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 8:32 PM

hehehehehehe

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 13th Mar '09 8:40 PM

hahaha!

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 8:04 PM

Golf Partner

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

~~~~
Late Arrival

One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"


scrabq
Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Sun, 15th Mar '09 1:42 AM

Then there were the four women who were on the course. One made a great drive, but unfortunately it went towards the next fairway and landed amongst four fellows playing there. It felled one of them, and he was on the ground, writhing around, with his hands clutched between his legs.

She rushed over and asked if she could help.

Still writhing and moaning, he said, "No, it's all right. You can't help."

"I think I can," she said. "I am a qualified massage therapist and I know how to ease your pain."

With that, she rolled him over on his back, gently placed his arms to the side, undid his trousers, and massaged competently for several minutes. When she had finished, she asked, "Now is that better?"

"It was very nice," he said, "but I think my thumb is still broken."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sun, 15th Mar '09 8:26 AM

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

carreau
Carreau  (Level: 237.1 - Posts: 140)
Sun, 15th Mar '09 11:39 AM

Just as the foursome was about to tee off, one of the players turned toward the road just beyond the green, where a funeral procession was passing, stood at attention and placed his hand over his heart. One of the other players commented: "That was a kind gesture." "Well," came the response, "after forty years of marriage that was the least I could do."

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Sun, 15th Mar '09 12:12 PM

One Sunday morning St. Peter called to God.
"Lord, come have a look at this."
God peered down from the heavens to see a man of the cloth, not standing in front of his parish as he should be, but instead teeing off for a game of golf.
"Well Lord, are you going to teach him a lesson?"
"I most certainly am!" God replied.
Below, the priest said a quick prayer and made his first stroke. With one easy putt, the ball sailed smoothly into the first hole. The priest looked up in amazement and proceeded with his game. At each hole he sank the ball in a single stroke.
"Lord, what was that?" St. Peter exclaimed. "This man abandoned his duties to his parish and his Lord and you just rewarded him with the best game of his life!"
A wicked smile played on God's lips and he responded:
"Yes, but who's he going to tell?"

bokeelia
Bokeelia  (Level: 188.1 - Posts: 114)
Mon, 16th Mar '09 1:15 PM

A guy is playing golf and hits his tee shot deep into the piney woods. He finds his ball next to a hollowed out log and when he goes to get it up pops a leprechaun. "Boyo you've won the great prize" said the little green guy. "You can have your choice, par golf for the rest of your life or the best sex life anyone ever had" Without batting an eye the takes the par golf. The leprechaun scratches his head and says "in 300 years you are the first to choose golf over sex. You must have a marvelous sex life". The replies "not too bad I have sex once or twice a month". "And you chose golf?" asked the incredulous leprechaun. "Sure" said the golfer, "Once or twice a month ain't bad for a priest from a small parish"
I

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 16th Mar '09 5:33 PM


garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6644)
Mon, 16th Mar '09 5:40 PM

The four ladies in the golf club are playing bridge when one of them exclaims and points out the window.
The ladies follow the direction she is pointing and they all see that a window in the men's shower-room is open.

Standing in the room they can see the torso but not the head of a man who has just emerged from the showers; think tripod.....

Lady number one sighs and says 'That's not my husband'

Lady number two sighs and says 'That's not my husband'

Lady number three sighs and says 'That's not my husband'

Lady number four 'That's not even a member of the club!'

(By the way this was one of the punchlines from a thread a couple of months ago)

bokeelia
Bokeelia  (Level: 188.1 - Posts: 114)
Mon, 16th Mar '09 7:33 PM

3 guys go out for a round of golf and being a crowded club a stranger gets added to complete their foursome. They all get along really well so they invite him to join their weekly outing. He agrees but says "I might be 15 minutes late". The following week he shows up on time but plays left handed after playing righthanded the week before. At the end of the round the invitation to join them the following week is repeated and again he replies "I might be 15 minutes late". This goes on for several weeks, righthanded, lefthanded and occassionaly 15 minutes late. Finally one of the foursome asks why the strange regimen. He replied "I play equally well from both sides, so when the alarm goes off in the morning I look at my wife. If she's on her left side I play lefthanded, if she's on her rightside I play righthanded". "What if she's on her back?"asked one of his partners. "Then I'm 15 minutes late".

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Tue, 17th Mar '09 11:07 AM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Saints preserve us" says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

chrondo
Chrondo  (Level: 91.4 - Posts: 31)
Tue, 17th Mar '09 4:59 PM

A woman is having a golf lesson, and try as she may, she cannot hit the ball straight. Knowing her grip is too tight, finally the instructor gets an idea. "Hold the club the same way you hold your husband's penis, and see what happens." Sure enough, she hits the ball perfectly straight down the middle of the fairway. She tees up another, and hits another right down the middle. She hits 10 in a row, perfectly straight. "That's great" says the instructor, "Now take the club out of your mouth, and let's go for distance".

What? too risque'?

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Thu, 19th Mar '09 10:31 AM


tlavine44
Tlavine44  (Level: 163.3 - Posts: 11)
Thu, 19th Mar '09 10:54 AM

A man and his wife are playing golf, when the husband hits his tee shot into the open end of the neighbors barn. The wife says "no problem I'll go open the other door and you can play through." The husband agrees, hits the ball which bounces off a timber hits his wife in the head and kills her. 3 weeks later the man is playing the same hole with a friend when histee ball again flies into the open end of the neighboring barn. The friend says to him "no problem I'll open the other door and you can play through." He says no, the last time I did that I got a 6 on this hole.

carreau
Carreau  (Level: 237.1 - Posts: 140)
Thu, 19th Mar '09 9:08 PM

A player noticed a treasure trove of golf balls right at the edge of a water hazard, and he couldn't resist picking them up and filling his pants pockets. As he climbed aboard the bus to go home an elderly woman looked at him strangely and asked, "What's that?"
"Golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Thu, 19th Mar '09 9:56 PM

Martina - I kind of wish spring did mean golf. Those crazy people were playing Christmas day. There hasn't been a day (except ice days) in the past 7 months since I've lived here that people weren't playing golf.

(Rabbi Woods - LOVE that!)


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