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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 1:36 PM

JOKES...

Murphy rushed along the corridor of the train, opening every compartment door and asking:

'Is there a priest or a vicar here?'

After four attempts he came to a compartment where a man said:

'I'm a rabbi if that's any good.'

'No,' said Murphy. 'I'm looking for a corkscrew!'

~~~~~
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe.'

~~~~
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't,' said The Irishman.

chickfbref1
Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2012)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 3:51 PM

The president decides he needs a new fence around the White House. So the head of maintenance calls three contractors, one from New York, one from LA and one from Chicago.

NY contractor comes out, measures and says "$800, $300 for materials , $300 for my guys and $200 for me."

LA contractor comes out, measures and says "$700, $300 for materials, $300 for my guys and $100 for me."

Chicago contractor comes out, just stands there and looks, says "$2700".
The maintenance head says "$2700!! Are you kidding me? How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy", says the Chicago contractor "$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we get the LA guy to do the job for $700".

Chicago gets the job!!

HRH...Me.


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 7:30 PM

A great fire was raging in Saudi Arabia and all The oil well fire experts in The world had failed to put it out. So they sent for The Englishman, The Irishman and The Scotsman. Our three heroes drove all The way out to Saudi Arabia in a little red van with The Irishman at The wheel. They put out The fire by driving The van right on top of The burning oil well and cutting off The supply of oxygen. Each of them was awarded a million dollars and they were asked what they would do with The money.
'I'm going to buy a golf course,' said The Englishman.
'I'm going to buy a distillery,' said The Scotsman.
The first thing I'm going to do,' said The Irishman, 'is to have The brakes on that old van fixed.'

~~~~
The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out The Englishman.

chickfbref1
Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2012)
Sat, 14th Mar '09 7:34 PM

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue..

Well, he said, "It's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, it's an a@#hole!"


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