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Pennwoman  (Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Sun, 22nd Mar '09 12:48 PM


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
' Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim .
But where's my husband?'
' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda .. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim .. 'How did it happen, Tim ?'
'It was terrible, Brenda .... He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Mrbojangles  (Level: 16.6 - Posts: 231)
Sun, 22nd Mar '09 12:57 PM

I bought a six pack of Guiness Stout for St Pats day. I must have got some from the vat he didn't get out of to take a pee.

Pennwoman  (Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Sun, 22nd Mar '09 1:04 PM

3 sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

Pennwoman  (Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Sun, 22nd Mar '09 1:26 PM

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED: Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

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