You are not signed in (Login or Join Free)   |   Help
Sploofus Trivia
Trivia GamesCommunityLeaderboardsTournaments
MySploofus
You are here:  Home  >>  Chat Forums  >>  The Salty Dog  >>  View Chat Message

View Chat Message



Pages:  1    


1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 1:57 PM

DAVE BARRY ON COLONOSCOPIES

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me
a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because
my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do
you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have
no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and
the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed
with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6644)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:10 PM

Yeah that makes me feel a lot better about the Thursday after next; really looking forward to that one.

bobolicios
Bobolicios  (Level: 118.4 - Posts: 1745)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:22 PM

I am a female but I never laughed so hard when at my computer.That guy is hilarious. Know you kind of know who women feel when giving birth.

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:27 PM

Dave Barry is hilarious.

thedon1
Thedon1  (Level: 3.0 - Posts: 45)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:34 PM

DAVE BARRY IS BAD NEWS

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:35 PM


I had my first prostate exam last week, and, as it turns out, I'm not gay.

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:36 PM

Congratulations, must be a relief

winddancer41
Winddancer41  (Level: 63.3 - Posts: 1113)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:41 PM

Well i will say this about having one, they may be yucky but the one i had saved my life, they found out early about the cancer in my kidney and removed it and i have been cancer free for almost eight years. charlotte

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:43 PM

That's great Charlotte

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 2:44 PM

Thedon1......you are truly a one-track bore.

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 3:01 PM

This is the last time you disrespect, I suggest you stop trying to antagonize people and be a decent person

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.3 - Posts: 1302)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 7:22 PM

David, your suggestion is reasonable, logical, sound, and kind. Therefore, it will not be understood by the Don. Let's all just ignore him and maybe he'll go away.

Yeah, colonoscopy prep is of the devil. Vodka, that might be something to consider for next time....

thedon1
Thedon1  (Level: 3.0 - Posts: 45)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 8:04 PM

DAVIDF OF YORK I WILL NEVER GO AWAY AND YOU JUST BETTER GET USED TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH

nelly
Nelly  (Level: 172.0 - Posts: 1167)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 8:42 PM

Did I miss something? Has York moved and no-one's told us?

thedon1
Thedon1  (Level: 3.0 - Posts: 45)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 9:00 PM

ASK DAVIDF

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 9:40 PM

DIAF

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.1 - Posts: 3936)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 10:21 PM

Colonoscopies are an intensely personal thing, and I think it is truly disgusting that anyone would write and publicize anything on that topic. Heaven help us if such stuff were to show up on a family trivia site.

nanpaulhus
Nanpaulhus  (Level: 139.2 - Posts: 340)
Mon, 30th Mar '09 10:40 PM

I am anxiously awaiting Dave Barry's soliloquy on the induction of the NasoGastric Tube...

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 9:26 AM

Yeah, we should pretend colonoscopies don't exist and only discuss them in dark hidden rooms, along with the shameful gynecological exam and degrading prostate exam.

One of the best stories I've ever heard was a guy at work describing his. He would have tears running down our faces. When my sister had one, she said it was the most horrific experience of her life, not because of the actual colonoscopy, but because of the few seconds when the camera was approaching her behind and it was showing up large and in charge on the big screen. She said that was the worst part.

caramel1
Caramel1  (Level: 128.4 - Posts: 21604)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:11 AM

Geez, Ken, don't you have any sense of humor at all? I know it detects serious things-glad it worked out for you Charlotte, my friend, but this description was among the funniest things I have ever heard. It brought the same reaction from me that something Lodi posted way back as her other self about using the bathroom at work. If you can find that oione again, Lodi, please repost it- Linda

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:15 AM

I'll look for it Linda. Although the party "poopers" might be offended.

caramel1
Caramel1  (Level: 128.4 - Posts: 21604)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:19 AM

sc--- em

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:21 AM

Pretty sure Ken was kidding.

caramel1
Caramel1  (Level: 128.4 - Posts: 21604)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:52 AM

You could be correct, Smoke. I observation, however, is that both he and Barry are about tied on being a "ball of Laughs"- Anyone else having trouble getting responses to post on BBS? -slows me down on retorts-Linda

caramel1
Caramel1  (Level: 128.4 - Posts: 21604)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 11:54 AM

My reference was to Garrybl Barry

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 12:05 PM

I know.

Sometimes Ken has to explain his jokes to me, but I always feel that's my shortcoming, not his. Then again, sometimes I have to explain mine to him. Frame of reference is all, I rectum.

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 1:04 PM

""""Colonoscopies are an intensely personal thing, and I think it is truly disgusting that anyone would write and publicize anything on that topic. Heaven help us if such stuff were to show up on a family trivia site."""


say what?

www.smaug_webcam_colonoscopy.com


lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 4:06 PM

Its a rerun. Or maybe after you've seen one colon, you've seen them all.

thedon1
Thedon1  (Level: 3.0 - Posts: 45)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 8:29 PM

DAVE BARRY IS BBBBBBBBBADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD NEWS

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.1 - Posts: 3936)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 9:23 PM

Linda, search the quizzes for the keyword "colonoscopy"

Everyone else, want to chip in to buy one for the troll?

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Tue, 31st Mar '09 9:43 PM

Do they come in 2XL and ribbed for your displeasure? Then yes.

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 12:05 AM

I happen to have an exemplary colon. You could eat off it. My tapeworm does.

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.1 - Posts: 3936)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 5:45 AM

You haven't switched to a digital one?

donden
Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 10:16 AM

Does this thread have anything to do with the "Rites of Passage"?

thedon1
Thedon1  (Level: 3.0 - Posts: 45)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 9:50 PM

DAVE BARRY IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD THAT I HATE HIM

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 9:51 PM

diaf

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Wed, 1st Apr '09 9:54 PM

gf

bobbsey
Bobbsey  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 252)
Fri, 3rd Apr '09 10:29 AM

firstly 1mks, what does diaf stand for, and, secondly, kaufman, where do i send the cheque?

barnierubble
Barnierubble  (Level: 93.9 - Posts: 637)
Tue, 7th Apr '09 2:31 AM

Second time I went, after an initial colonoscopy, the memory drug, designed to stop you remembering this thing being stuck you know where, did not function correctly. I watched on TV, as this SNAKE went up my colon, and snipped off a couple of benign, thank God, pollips before exiting stage left. I now live in Spain, and have been told that they do the proceedure here without any helpful drugs. I said "Up Yours" and now only give "Stool" samples for analysis.

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5887)
Tue, 7th Apr '09 8:22 AM

Thanks for sharing Barnie.

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.1 - Posts: 3936)
Sun, 12th Apr '09 10:14 AM


garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6644)
Sun, 12th Apr '09 10:25 AM

They postponed mine -- its Tuesday so I start the 24 hour diet tomorrow.
Anyone know if you can put sugar in the black coffee they let you drink in the 24 hour fast?

caramel1
Caramel1  (Level: 128.4 - Posts: 21604)
Sun, 12th Apr '09 10:47 AM

Believe sugar is probably not acceptable, Barry. Any kind of test I have ever had scheduled it was strictly prohibited after midnight the eve before- all best wishes on test results-Linda


Pages:  1    



Copyright © 2003-2016 Sploofus Holdings LLC.  All rights reserved.
Legal Notice & Privacy Statement  |  Link to Sploofus