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lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 9:08 AM

HOLY HUMOR SUNDAY COMING UP

In our church, and many others I might add, the Sunday following Easter Sunday is dedicated to telling jokes and doing other humorous things. (We draw the line though before the pastor gets drenched with water!)The idea here is that, since the events of Easter have taken care of all our worries, we can relax and have some fun. We include a time during our offering for folks to get up and tell a joke or two. Anyone care to submit a joke for me to use this Sunday?

clevercloggs
Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 10:02 AM

15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife


Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. -Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. -Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) -Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). -David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) -Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife? ... NOT! -Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)



clevercloggs
Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 10:03 AM

I forgot to add, i don't find much funny in religion, the pope aside that is.

lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 10:05 AM

Thanks. 200 foreskins seems like a lot of work!

clevercloggs
Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 10:28 AM

I probably shouldn't have posted that. I abhor revealed religions though, and they all crawl out of the woodwork at this time of the year. I'm speaking from a British point of view of course, normally we don't see anything of the christians, just the bleedin' muslims.

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.6 - Posts: 5316)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 10:47 AM

I'm sorry you don't see much of Christians in your country, Clevercloggs. In America Christians are doing great works. Perhaps we take the scripture of Matthew 6:1-4 "... when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you" a little too seriously and that is why you are not seeing a lot of what Christians do.

When I think of just my community and the works that Christians do, if that were to all disappear overnight, there would be a huge void and many more people would be suffering.

Now I have never heard of telling jokes in church. The only religious joke I remember is "Do you know why God sent the star to guide the three Wise Men? Well, since they were men, he KNEW they wouldn't stop and ask for directions."

I used to tell that joke to people when I had to take their picture for the paper, it got a good smile every time, even from the men.









monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 11:45 AM

The Lottery

Every night before going to bed, Bob says the same prayer. "Dear God, please let me win the lottery."
After years of saying this prayer and getting no results, Bob's prayers become more desperate.
"Dear God, if you're really out there, please, please, please let me win the lottery. I've been kind to everyone I know and have worked hard all of my life. This is all I have asked for from you."
Finally, one night after saying this same prayer, Bob gets an answer from God. A big booming voice shouts down from the heavens:
"Son, meet me half way. Buy a darn ticket!"

Nightly Prayers

Jack is walking past his young daughter's room as she is saying her nightly parayers. At about the point when she usually says "Amen", she pauses and gets a strange llok on her face. She then adds "And God bless Grandma" before finishing her prayers and going to sleep.
"Aww, how sweet." Jack thinks to himself.
The next day, Jack receives news that his mother has died. Though shaken, Jack brushes it off as a strange coincidence and doesn't think much of the matter.

A few weeks later, Jack is waiting for his daughter to finish her prayers so he can read her a story and tuck her into bed. Once again, as she is approaching the point where she normally says "Amen", she pauses. "And God bless Grandpa" she adds before finishing her prayer.
Sure enough, the next day Jack receives news that his father has passed on. This time, it is much more difficult for Jack to accept the incident as mere coincidence.

About a week later, Jack is once again putting his daughter to bed. He is horrified when at the end of her prayers, she pauses and adds "And God bless Daddy."

That night, Jack doesn't sleep a wink. The next morning, he skips his shower for fear of slipping on wet tiles and breaking his neck, and bypasses his morning toast and coffee for fear of choking. He is on pins and needles the entire time he is driving to work, staying on back roads and driving only 10 miles per hour. At work he is mess, jumping at the slightest sound, and constantly looking over his shoulder. By the time he gets in his car to drive home, he has pretty much worked himself into a panic attack.

When he finally gets home, he colapses on the sofa, emotionally exhausted.
"You would not believe the day I've had." he tells his wife.
"The day you"ve had?!" his wife replies in exasperation. "Today I found the gardner dead in my rose bushes!"



lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 11:48 AM

Thanks. Like em both but the nightly prayers one is sensational!

lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 12:09 PM

I'm thinking of using 1Kings 18:20-39 as the text for the sermon. Verse 27 is hilarious. Other years I've used the walk to Emmaus, quail arriving in camp in Numbers 11, Sarah laughing at the thought of having a son in Genesis 18 and others.

madamec8
Madamec8  (Level: 82.9 - Posts: 893)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 12:45 PM

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."



collioure
Collioure  (Level: 105.1 - Posts: 9952)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 1:17 PM

That's VERY good, Colleen.

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.5 - Posts: 1302)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 1:31 PM

Never heard of holy humor day, but it sounds fun. I go to a non-denominational church and we are called The Exiles, as we are all exiles from other denominations. One Sunday we had a hippie speak at our church and he told great stories, but he also told some great jokes. Here are two.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
20. One to change the bulb and 19 to CAST OUT the darkness!

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Baptists aren't into change.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 1:33 PM

I like that Colleen, nice one.

lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 2:09 PM

Since Presbyterians are allegedly set in their ways, here's their version:

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

CHANGE!?!?!!?

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.6 - Posts: 5316)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 2:23 PM

How many Congegationalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. The others will get busy and organize a cover-dish dinner for afterward.

nanpaulhus
Nanpaulhus  (Level: 139.2 - Posts: 340)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 3:17 PM

Madamec8 and Fudypatootie, those are fantastic (i'm Pentecostal and I'm using that!)

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.6 - Posts: 3742)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 3:40 PM

Here is a link to a wonderful little book on church humor (mainly as found here in Appalachia): http://books.google.com/books?id=MG2HjonoBTEC&pg=PA36&lpg=PA36&dq=glued+the+preacher%27s+bible+pages&source=bl&ots=bovlfT1t6J&sig=4U7FY17c0IQUY5qdtUrjECPPGRA&hl=en&ei=HJPjSd64J4ntlQfM8tzgDg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3#PPA30,M1

It's quite long (the link, not the book) so you may need to cut and paste it in your url bar. The book is called "Laughter in Appalachia." One of the authors was a professor at Berea College and the other co-wrote a country classic called "Ode to the Little Brown Shack Out Back."

madamec8
Madamec8  (Level: 82.9 - Posts: 893)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 4:39 PM

thankyu, thankyu very much.

I love Emo Phillips humor:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said,"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.




clevercloggs
Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 6:18 PM

I'm sorry you don't see much of Christians in your country, Clevercloggs

Don't be. I spend my life silencing them. How do you stop a Witness drowning ? You take your foot from its throat.

nelly
Nelly  (Level: 172.0 - Posts: 1167)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 7:29 PM

Clevercloggs said "I'm speaking from a British point of view of course"

I would like to point out that this is his personal point of view and not the general view of the British people!



collioure
Collioure  (Level: 105.1 - Posts: 9952)
Mon, 13th Apr '09 7:51 PM

The British people have a general view?

Oh, yeah. Clouds, rain. Or pub, darts.

Been there, done that

Nitol.

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 9:14 AM

My dad is a vicar, I think he would like some of these jokes

davidf
Davidf  (Level: 102.1 - Posts: 746)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 9:17 AM

We may like darts and pub and rain and clouds but we are also known for bad teeth, being reserved and riding buses. Oh and don't forget faggots, bubble and squeak and black pudding....how very civilized we are

madamec8
Madamec8  (Level: 82.9 - Posts: 893)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 11:42 AM

Moses was up in Mount Sinai and spoke to God and said - I have this pounding headache, I can't get rid of it. Here, says God, take these two tablets.

spacecat
Spacecat  (Level: 159.0 - Posts: 667)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 12:15 PM

Your right Clevercloggs you shoudn't have posted that. That would have made an interesting quiz.

clevercloggs
Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 1:16 PM

Have no fear Spacecat, i have dozens of 'em !!!

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 14th Apr '09 1:45 PM

So, this rabbi was walking along with parrot on his shoulder, and someone said "Where'd you get that?", and the parrot said "Brooklyn, there's hundreds of 'em!"


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