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Tuzilla  (Level: 146.6 - Posts: 3848)
Mon, 4th May '09 9:52 PM



…well, enough about. Let’s talk about something less controversial. How about religion?
Ya, I said it. Religion. You’ve had enough politics and sex for one night.
How many Christians do we have out there this evening? Raise your hands.
C’mon. I said raise your hands. Expose yourself. Oops, thought I was back in parochial school.
[laughter and several hands go up]
Hmmm…there seems to be a lot of you. How about Jewish folks? Do we have any Jewish folks in the audience?
[a few hands are raised]
Okay. There are a few of you. You can tell this isn’t the Catskills. Shalom!
And how about Muslims? Any followers of Islam? Anyone? No? Okay, how about Buddhists? Hindus? Other? I see a hand in the back. Ma’am, what religion are you? Buddhist ? Ommmmmmmmmmmmmkay, welcome.
I think that about covers it. Oh! Wait a minute. I forgot a couple. Are there any Agnostics out there? Are there? I see some of you moving around. Get your hands up. There you go.
Couldn’t make up your minds?
Okay. Okay. Lighten up. It is their right to not make a firm commitment.
And finally, do we have any Atheists?
[a couple hands go up]
Two? My hat's off to you, sir…and you madam.
What’s the matter? You look confused. I am in total awe of any who can make the level of commitment you have. You have my deepest respect. I have many Christian friends whose belief is not a solid and absolute as yours.
Wow! There is no God, or any other deity out there. That’s tough. No one created the Earth, or is sitting up there somewhere overseeing the planet.It just popped up all by itself. And when you die, that’s it, nothing. It is over. Wow! That is an absolute and an incredible leap of faith in something for which you have no more empirical proof than those whose religions you consider false. You are rocks. Wow.
The real tragedy is that you have no more way to prove yourself right than anyone else. But on the plus side, you are not knocking on my door trying to convert me.
The only thing you can do is die, like everyone else and wait. And then, what if you are wrong?
Uh oh-h-h-h-h.
[more chuckles]
What are you going to do if you find yourself standing in front of a guy with white hair and a beard...and looking in a big book?
No, he’s not Santa Claus. We all know about that dude.
And that ain’t the naughty or nice book…well-l-l-l-l maybe it is.
Then whatcha gonna do?
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Yo, you know I was just jiving ya. I knew you were up here. I was just bustin’ on ya. C’mon, give a guy a break. Where’s your sense of humor?
[big voice] You go to Hell!
But WAIT! WAIT! Now hang on a minute.
What if you have been right all along?
What if the big one comes and bingo, you’re el zippo?
[more chuckles]
Here is you moment. It is your chance to get in the face of all you churchy friends.
Neener! Neener! Neener! I was right and you were all wrong.
[dancing around]
I enjoyed my money and you gave yours away!
[still dancing]
I did all those bad thinks you beat yourself up for only thinking!
[a few simulated profane movements]
Nyah! Nyah! Nuh Nyah! Nyah!
Here is it! Your big moment!
And you aren't even going to know it!
Good night.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Mon, 4th May '09 10:28 PM


We are the only living being that even thinks about death. Well, as far as I know. On this planet, I mean.

Oh, nevermind.

Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Tue, 5th May '09 2:09 AM

I'm sure the spider I killed today wasn't thinking about death. It came to him in the form of a heavy magazine being dropped and then stomped. It's the only way I know to safely kill a spider. My mom, who's visiting by the way would probably just swatted it with her bare hand. She ain't scared of nothin!

Chender  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 160)
Tue, 5th May '09 2:58 AM

What a very strange and smug - well, comedian I assume.

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