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slicko
Slicko  (Level: 223.9 - Posts: 1609)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:29 AM

SOMETHING FUNNY

Yesterday afternoon in the office a new patient came in to me with a list a mile long. His sister and his brother were there too to corroborate his story. He told me he was dizzy, was short of breath, had chest pain, was numb in his left leg, had no appetite, was depressed, was constipated, had no sex drive, couldn't urinate, couldn't sleep, and generally felt lousy.
I said to him: Mr. Jones you have so many things wrong with you, what don't you have?
He said: Teeth

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:30 AM

hehehehe!

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:33 AM

Boy, they say bartenders hear it all - I bet doctors hear things you can't even tell your bartender.

slicko
Slicko  (Level: 223.9 - Posts: 1609)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:36 AM

Only two patients asked me for Viagra yesterday - down from the usual 5 !

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:37 AM

I was an ER nurse for many years. One of the many duties, of an ER nurse is to answer questions that people call in about. My most bizarre "nurse call" was a gentlemen who hemmed and hawed and couldn't seem to get to his question. I finally had to stop his rambling and asked him directly, what was wrong.
He said
"I have bumps on my chumpie"
I was baffled, until it became clear to me, at which point I had to put him on hold, as I was laughing so hard. I regained my composure, and gave him the number of the STD's clince and went on with my day.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:38 AM

I hope not that guy!

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:39 AM

"chumpie" LOL!!!!!!

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.3 - Posts: 3742)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 9:24 AM

I was hospitalized three times last year with one of those mystery vertigo spells. They ran every test they could, with no results. One of my co-workers finally asked me, "What did they find out you had?"

My reply, "Insurance."

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 9:37 AM

Bwahahaha!

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.1 - Posts: 1025)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 10:03 AM

Nobody asks me for Viagra. They all want Vicodin, Lortab, Methadone, Xanax. If they make marijuana a prescription drug, they'll be trying to get scrips for that, too. Of course, if marijuana would give an old man a chumpie, it would already be legal.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 10:11 AM

Truer words never spoken, buddy.

allena
Allena  (Level: 255.4 - Posts: 1390)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 10:19 AM

Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 10:22 AM

Huh? Couldn't quite catch that.

aristotle
Aristotle  (Level: 72.7 - Posts: 191)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:18 AM

This is the first thread on Salty Dog that's made me laugh for ages. Got any more stories - please!

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:45 AM

I grew up in a small town in the northwoods of Wisconsin where my mother was an ER nurse. Fishing being one of the favourite leisure activities of the locals, a good number of cases involved removing fishing lures from hands. The ER even had a board in the nursing station where they displayed all of the removed lures. When my mother got yet another fisherman fallen prey to a wayward lure, she asked, as she always did if she could put the lure on the board. The man replied "Oh no. This here's my lucky fishing lure. I'll never part with it." Mom patched up his hand and sent him on his merry way. Less than five minutes later, the man returned. Apparently he had carelessly tossed his "lucky" lure on his car seat before sitting down. Needless to say, he let my mother keep the lure for the board after she removed it from his right but cheek.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:48 AM

Luck is fickle.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 12:10 PM

Oh gosh! Doesn't sound so lucky.

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 12:18 PM

A nurse was doing her rounds in geriatrics when she heard Mr. Johnson sobbing in his room. When she asked him what was wrong, he simply replied:
"My thingy, it just died."
The befuddled nurse tried to console Mr. Johnson as best she could before seeking out the attending to request a psych consult.
About an hour later, the nurse spotted Mr. Johnson marching up and down the hallway, naked as a jaybird.
"Mr. Johnson! What are you doing?" she cried.
His reply:
"I told you my thingy had died. Well, this here is the viewing."

francesann
Francesann  (Level: 55.5 - Posts: 124)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 1:30 PM

What on earth is a "lure"? Is it a fishing hook. Here in England lure means "you lure someone in" In a sort of sexy manner! I would not want to lure a fishing hook into my hand for anyone.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 1:33 PM

Yes, it's a fishing hook. It lures the unsuspecting fishy to their doom. SUSHI!

aristotle
Aristotle  (Level: 72.7 - Posts: 191)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 2:20 PM

More stories, please!

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.1 - Posts: 1025)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 2:34 PM

The old man saw the little boy sitting on the curb, crying, and asked him what was wrong.

"I can't do what the big boys do!", he said.

So the old man sat down beside him and started crying, too.

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.3 - Posts: 5315)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 3:00 PM

OUCH!

True story:

The young teen was making early morning radio announcements of events scheduled for that day.

One announcement should have been "The students will be performing a violin RECITAL at 3 p.m. today."

BUT the young fellow wasn't the best reader so this is what he read: "The students will be performing a violin RECTAL at 3 p.m. today."

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 3:09 PM

It was my first month or so working as a medical receptionist for my parents' hospice. I was filing and was shocked to see that one of the nurses had written "aggrivated SOB" in one of her visit notes. Granted some of our patients were a little ornery to say the least, but it seemed to me bad form to document something of that nature in a chart that could at any given time be reviewed by the board of health. Concerned, I showed the questionable note to our quality assurance manager. She bust out laughing. It was then that I learned that "SOB" is a common abreviation for "Shortness of Breath."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 3:25 PM

We rountinely asked patients what medications they are on. One day I was triaging a gentleman in his 70's and in response to the medication he reported "A pill for my blood pressure, one for my ulcer and one for my vagina" I got called away at that exact moment, thank goodness, as I had the giggles bad. When I returned, he said, I meant a pill for my ANGINA. Big difference.
Right after the Tylenol poisoning, many years ago now, I had a women bring her 17 year old son for a fever. When I asked if she gave him anything for the fever, like Tylenol, she WENT OFF on me, screaming, how dare I suggest she try to poison her son..... on and on, it was a tirade. Once I calmed her down, I asked her what she did give him. Turns out it was a common cold medicine at the time called
Co-Tylenol.
Sigh.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6640)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 3:28 PM

The two nurses (one attractive one not so much) are discussing their latest patient with two broken legs.

The less gifted one says' I had to give him a bath today, and guess what he has tattooed in an embarrassing spot? LUDO!'

The pretty nurse says 'When I gave him a bath it said Llandudno'.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 3:28 PM

We had a frequent flyer, who was loath to actually see his own physician when the ER was open 24 hours a day. He was seen one day for nausea and vomiting. He returned the next day, claiming no improvement in his symptoms. He was asked if he took the medicine prescribed, he replied "Of course! But I just threw it up!"

That, my friends, is some serious vomiting, as he had be prescribed a suppository......

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.1 - Posts: 1025)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 5:23 PM

The version of your joke, Barry, which I have heard has the first nurse noticing the word "Short", while the second one sees "Shorty's Bar and Grill, Chattanooga Tennessee".

dizzy
Dizzy  (Level: 180.7 - Posts: 296)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 5:35 PM

Thanks you guys..you've made my day.....just about given up on SD

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.7 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 5:49 PM

Wait, what's a chumpie?

aristotle
Aristotle  (Level: 72.7 - Posts: 191)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 5:53 PM

I could read these stories all day. This is the best thread I've read in ages. Thanks for getting the ball rolling, Slicko!

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 6:24 PM

I loved working in the ER -- oh the things I've seen, and the many things that just are facts of life
1."I can't possibly be pregnant" --- Congratulations, you're going to be a Mom!
2. If a construction worker walks up to the triage window, with a chagrined look on his face -- he has shot himself somewhere with a nail gun.
3. Two beers, means a blood alcohol level 3 times the legal limit.
4. The guy that whines or even better, faints with blood draw or IV start is surely to be covered in tatoo's
5. The family member that SWEARS that they are ok to watch their loved one, get stitches, is guaranteed to hit the deck when the Doctor, uncaps the syringe.
6. The bigger the guy, the farther you have to chase him, with his tetanus shot.
7. Teenage girls, no matter what they are there for, will give you a hard time. An incredibly, whiny, smart ass, unreasonable, hard time. Such as.... "I am not getting undressed, you pervert, what kind of place is this, you are all just SICK. "but miss, you are here with a rash above your knee --- you must take off your jeans so the doctor can see it" "you perv, MOM, this guy is a perv!"
8. If you have a young lady, brought by ambulance from the local college, you will have nary an empty seat in the waiting room, as her friends will have overrun it.
9. If you are a patient's husband, and you wish to hurry things along, pushing the CODE button, WILL get you an immediate response, however the nursing staff will be cranky, and you will be encouraged, never, NEVER to do that again.
10. Invariably, when someone calls the ER to check on their family, they will be extremely helpful, by saying "Hi, is my mom there" ---- oh,YOU are the one with a mom.


bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 6:34 PM

I like the story of the husband with the myocardial infarction.

However, his wife misheard, and told the family her husband had a "massive internal fart".


~Bev

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.3 - Posts: 3742)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 8:05 PM

Medical personnel you don't want to make mad:
The phlebotomist
the nurse who gives you your injections
the person who will do your barium enema or colonoscopy
For ladies, the nurse who does your mammography
For guys, whoever has to remove the electrode patches from your hairy body.

Regarding the last one, since many of the symptoms of the episodes I mentioned in a post above are classic heart problem indicators, as soon as I show up in ER, they start slapping electrodes on me. I've started telling them to please shave the are first. Now my tan is very strange.

One cardiologist told me, "You have the heart rate of of a marathon runner. But looking at you, obviously that's not the case." Ouch!

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 2:05 PM

I worked with a girl who, hated people, she loved animals, but people, not so much, fortunately she was a good nurse, how she managed to do both was always a mystery to me. Anyway, she was working a double -- 3p-11pm into 11p to 7am. Linda was triaging when a woman of 26 came to the window with complaints of back pain. She asked the usual questions, and the woman stated she had her period, 2 weeks before. The woman, kept groaning in discomfort, which caused much eye rolling by Linda, and she walked the patient back to the exam room, never really taking a good look at the patient. It was winter, and the patient had a large coat on.The woman, kept stopping to groan a bit more, but finally she made it to the room. Linda advised her to undress and left the room. The woman seemed relieved to be able to lie down. Back to triage she went. The Charge nurse, fortunately was quickly in the room, to make sure the patient was undressing, walked into the exam room to find THE PATIENT CROWNING, which means her baby, was seconds from being born. Controlled panic, then ensued, and she was rapidly, sent to the OB floor, as ER births are considered "dirty" She delivered outside the elevator does and the whole time,the woman INSISTED she was not pregnant, despite the child that was emerging,
Let me tell you what, her mother, who was sitting in the waiting room, go the shock of her life.

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 256.8 - Posts: 3936)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 6:15 PM

I thought the only "dirty" babies were those born out of wedlock, and we'd gotten over all that.

madamec8
Madamec8  (Level: 82.5 - Posts: 893)
Fri, 10th Jul '09 12:16 PM

Several years ago a Seattle radio personality was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and he talked about it on the air from time to time. His worst fear was having to use a CPAP machine. His doctors felt it could be treated surgically through the air passages which involved the throat. My co-worker had been following the story intently, and she told me the surgery was successful but they had to remove his vulva. She was so serious, I had to turn my back to pull myself together, and I didn't have the heart to tell her at the time. I told my sleep doctor later and she about blew coffee through her nose.

bobolicios
Bobolicios  (Level: 117.7 - Posts: 1745)
Fri, 10th Jul '09 7:27 PM

This is truly a great thread I laughed myself silly. My kids even wanted to know what is so funny! Way to go guys, lets keep it going. When I think of something I'll post.

slicko
Slicko  (Level: 223.9 - Posts: 1609)
Fri, 10th Jul '09 7:46 PM

True story from back when I was an intern - I was on call and one of my fellow interns was working in the ER - at about midnight a patient comes in with a rash - he had had this rash for nearly six months and why he came to the ER in the middle of the night I'll never know. My friend pages me and says "Come to the ER, don't ask any questions and just nod" . So I haul my butt down there and go in the room with him. My friend tells the patient: "Sir, it just so happens that on this night we have visiting with us the eminement dermatologist from the Mayo Clinic, Dr. Skinsteinfeld." He then proceeded to go through a long dissertation on what was wrong with this man - turning to me just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me if You Can - in fact I think he even repeatedly asked "Do you concur?" So I just dutifully nodded. The patient bought it hook like and sinker and left the ER with a prescription for a run of the mill cortisone cream, thinking he had just been seen by a world famous skin specialist. You do some rotten things when you're a young and foolish intern. I've always wondered if the cream cured him or not

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Sat, 11th Jul '09 2:31 PM

Just quick ER memories

Patient names -- I swear all true

Olive Green
Ada Dick
Guy Lucky
Gaye Peoples - she insisted on being called Gaye Anne, her middle name
Leafy Curley
Ruby Stone
Prince King

Doctor's names

Dr. Pepper
Dr. Docktor
Dr. Klutz (not a surgeon)(whew)
Dr. Peters (eye doctor, go figure)
Dr. Dull
and the most melodic of names, Dr. Mahalinggapa --- Ma - Ha - ling - a - pa - It always sounded so lovely when being paged

pepperdoc
Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4286)
Sat, 11th Jul '09 5:44 PM

Hey! I resemble that remark!


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