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Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:05 PM


This is an unusual post, and I know that, but here it goes.

Hi, I think I screwed up somehow, I must be completely clueless. I recently asked my ex-girlfriends now former best friend on a date, and she accepted. Apparently, this is not okay??? That's what everyone says to me. How did I not know that ahead of time? Supposedly, it's against dating "code" to date your exes best friend? They actually quit talking "as friends" before I asked her out....I thought she was free game. Now my ex is threatening not to be my friend over it anymore. So here are my questions:

1) Is this a guy rule, or a girl rule? I thought maybe because I hadn't heard of it before, maybe it was just a girl thing. That's what a few other people thought as well. But then a female told me that guys have this rule as well, and she quoted the saying, "Bros before Hoes". I never understood that saying in exactly that way, but I do know every female I know is saying I crossed the line. I do remember my two male best friends in high school dated the same girl, one right after the other, and it was never an issue between them.

2) What are your thoughts, did I cross the line here?

3) Last, can somebody explain to me the "logic" in this rule. If I am free and she is free, why is this not okay??

Thanks ahead of time- Stout

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:11 PM

I asked all my female friends, and we all agree that if you don't understand, there's no use trying to explain it to you.

And if we DID explain it to you, it wouldn't mean anything - the only way it can mean anything is if you actually put the time into thinking about it and then figure it out on your own.

Men!!! Hrmph! ((((((shaking head))))))))

(Oh, to be young again.)

Lucimoore  (Level: 181.3 - Posts: 1680)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:19 PM

"They actually quit talking "as friends" before I asked her out...."

I don't see the problem. I say go for it!

It's as simple as your ex can't control what you or her former friend do once she is through with the both of you. Keeping you as a friend that she controls by setting limits on who you can date, in my opinion, means she is trying to keep you on the back burner in case she can't find someone she likes better. If she's your "friend" she won't care who you date.

Oldcougar  (Level: 217.3 - Posts: 1935)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:23 PM

I don't understand the problem. If you'd just broken up with your ex & this lady was still her best friend, OK, but that isn't the case. Why does your ex think she should still control your life? Wasn't she the one who left you? Ignore them, sounds like high school crapola. Ask Marsha, she's got the best ex story, ever. Hope you & this new gal have a beautiful romance

Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2012)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:27 PM


You didn't screw up AT ALL. You are completely entitled to date whomever you want...if she's an ex...then that what she is.

(spoken from my Chick voice)


Bigbird  (Level: 236.3 - Posts: 3300)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:41 PM

They are not even friends. You didn't break a darn thing. Go for it.

Koota  (Level: 180.6 - Posts: 2098)
Wed, 8th Jul '09 11:45 PM

If your ex and your new date were still best friends, it would make their relationship feel awkward if you were dating the new girl.

However, since your ex and the potential new girlfriend are not talking ... she's fair game. I don't care what the unofficial rules are. You gotta be happy, man.

Be prepared to get some unhappy commentary from your ex ... but then, that could by why she's an ex ... right?

Salzypat  (Level: 154.6 - Posts: 5296)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 12:09 AM

How important is it to you to keep your ex girlfriend as a friend? If your life goes on without her, then date her former friend.

The main question really is not what all of us think, but what do YOU think? If it's important to you to keep your ex in your life, then you have a choice to make.

I agree, sounds as though she is controlling and just wants to keep you hanging on in case things don't work out elsewhere. Go with your heart.

Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 12:48 AM

Wow, this is exactly the opposite of what I thought I'd get in a response. All my responses out here so far, though few, say I've committed a major error in judgement here. Well, keeping my ex as a friend is "relatively" important to me, but she dropped her as a friend, don't know what to say about that. Good, one thing less to worry about on my date tomorrow night.

Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 12:49 AM

I have such good friends here.

Lodi  (Level: 96.1 - Posts: 2144)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 1:14 AM

Your ex-gf is pissed because she thinks the ex-best friend is dating you just to rub her nose in it. The ex probably also thinks that the friend will pump you for personal information that she can use against her and she and other friends can sit & snicker about her. The ex-gf is probably also sitting there thinking that if you are willing to go out with her best friend, it probably meant that you were really attracted to her all along while the two of you were dating. Even if you are no longer with someone, it still makes you feel bad to think they desired someone else while you cared about them.

And the biggest reason the ex-gf is pissed because she's jealous. You know the old saying "I don't want him, but no one else can have him?" Well throw in there "especially HER!"

Women. (shakes head)

Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 1:19 AM

Jeez Lodi,

Never got that my head that much into it. Would make me crazy(er)
Agree Jeremy, that it's none of your ex's damn business.

Aristotle  (Level: 72.7 - Posts: 191)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 2:01 AM

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, Jeremy, but I love Lodi's analysis of the situation. She's thought of every angle!

Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 5:04 AM

Lodi: I agree with some of that, that probably is true in part, dunno. I do know she rubs her boyfriend in my face all the time, so I'm not too concerned with that part of it. As far as the info goes, I can't think of much I know that her friend doesn't know, but maybe. I think her best friend probably knows more, lol. She doesn't have to "wonder" if I was attracted to her best friend while we were together, she's known that I was for awhile. I don't see what the big deal is, maybe that's cold of me, but I don't control who I'm attracted to, I only control what I do about it. I was attracted to a number of females while we were together, the best friend just being one of them, I just chose not to act on that attraction. We've been broken up along time, seems harmless to me. Jealous, yes, I can believe that. I get jealous over her love interests sometimes as well, I just don't show it like that. I prefer not to interfere. Lots of good points....I'll think about this some more.

Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 5:07 AM

Should've read, "I'll think about this some more....but not too hard!!!"

Mplaw51  (Level: 176.9 - Posts: 1582)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 6:12 AM

Lodi hit the nail on the head. I'd examine the importance of keeping the friendship with the ex-gf. You say she rubs your nose in the fact that she has love interests. What's up with that? I'm not a fan of staying too friendly with ex's. Real friends have an interest in your happiness, both the temporary and the long lasting kind. Their personal agenda's shouldn't enter into it. Enjoy your date!

Tresayre  (Level: 81.6 - Posts: 362)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 7:21 AM

Look after Number One...You!

1mks  (Level: 208.4 - Posts: 5866)
Thu, 9th Jul '09 10:56 AM

Have a fabulous time on your date and don't give it another thought.

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