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Marynuala  (Level: 135.7 - Posts: 994)
Sat, 18th Jul '09 8:18 PM


Do you know any good cat jokes? Here is one:- A cat dies and goes to Heaven where he meets the Lord of animals. “You lived a good life dear feline one” the Lord says. “So what can I do to make you happy in Heaven?” The cat thinks about this for some time and then replies “It was a hard life with a poor family, and I had to sleep on a cold floor. I would like a soft pillow to lie on”. His celestial reward is immediately bestowed.
Some time later, four unlucky mice die after being caught in a mouse trap and also go to Heaven, where they also meet the Lord who wants to grant their greatest wish. The mice say in unison “We have been chased all our lives by cats and angry women. We are tired of running. Could we have roller skates so that we won‘t have to run anymore?" Being a caring Lord, each mouse is given some cool roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by the cat who is snoozing on a luxurious pillow. He gently awakens the cat and enquires “How are you enjoying your Heavenly life?” The cat stretches itself , yawns, and replies “It’s been wonderful. Heaven is better than I ever expected. And those mice meals on wheels passing by, are the best yet!”

Madamec8  (Level: 85.0 - Posts: 894)
Sun, 19th Jul '09 1:02 AM

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss.

Pennwoman  (Level: 158.0 - Posts: 2476)
Sun, 19th Jul '09 9:32 AM

An oldie but still makes me laugh

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5235)
Sun, 19th Jul '09 11:26 AM

That is actually very true! I have a cat who got very sick and I had to give him 3 pills a day. The first day was alright, but as he got wise to "the position" he became much more combative. He would hold that pill in his throat til I let him go and then he would spit up blue foam. Unreal.

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