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Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2402)
Wed, 22nd Jul '09 6:38 PM


Thanks to a Sploofbuddy, I *think* I know how this works....


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die."

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg-up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Ol' Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

* * * * *

Fudypatootie  (Level: 207.7 - Posts: 1301)
Wed, 22nd Jul '09 7:34 PM

Sooooo funny.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4583)
Wed, 22nd Jul '09 8:00 PM

Funny, cause I only have a computer BECAUSE I have the blues. (Which I originally mistyped "the lubes" which I'm glad I caught, cause that just sounds nasty.)

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4583)
Wed, 22nd Jul '09 11:02 PM

Ok, I tried it....but I think you're right. It just doesn't work. The one thing I like about the blues is you can cram as many words into a line as you wish!

I woke up this morning,
Which is always a surprise,
My diet still hasn't kicked in,
Still got jigglin' thighs.

I dragged my achin' self,
To the mirror on the wall,
Not a dang bit of improvement,
From those fancy night creams from the mall,

Now on to the kitchen,
Still not feelin' strong,
Find a half empty bottle of Cristal,
Cause its temperature was all wrong.

My 15-karat pink, flawless, princess-cut diamond,
Fell out of my ring last night,
Now there's pulp in my orange juice,
Those maids cain't get nothin' right.

Jumped in the red Vette,
Gonna get my money back,
But that manager at Tiffany's,
He keeps givin' me flack.

It's hard livin' here in Maui,
All that sand and rain's a bore,
Since my date last week with Sawyer,
He won't stop Tweetin' me for more.

So I head back to my villa,
Checkin' Sploofus and email,
Just when I thought this day couldn't get worse,
I just broke a daggum nail!!!!!

I got the beauty creams, diamond rings, half empty things, skinny dreams,
Blue Hawaii Blues.

Uturntama  (Level: 51.0 - Posts: 179)
Thu, 23rd Jul '09 1:10 AM

Bushyfox: You are quite clever and entertaining.

Jan: You've got a song writin' job a callin' you. Great job.

One of the BEST threads I've read.

Tuzilla  (Level: 146.7 - Posts: 3847)
Sat, 25th Jul '09 8:32 AM

Remember...No one every has the blues.
But the blues can have them, and they don't like to let go.

Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2402)
Sat, 25th Jul '09 7:09 PM

Janice, you are awesomely clever......a career awaits you!!!

I laughed so hard at your creative efforts...WTG !!!


Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2402)
Fri, 31st Jul '09 4:55 PM

Posting on behalf of Seniorrita, who does not have access to the forums.

She wrote this delightful Blues contribution:

"Oh I woke up this mornin', Barely get outa bed. . .
Yes Big Mama woke this morning, with a hole in her head.
I got the sore head blues and a rib that's killing me
Wish my darlin' Li'l Willie would stop by to see.

That danged ole buzzard came right up to me,
Li'l Willie wasnt there. He was sleepin' by the tree.
Willie has a sorehead too, He head throbbin from ginnin'
All night long while you and me was sinnin'!

I got the Sore Head Blues! And a rib that's on fire.
I ain't fixin' to die but cain't be for hire.
I'm scared to cough and hope I don't sneeze.
Come on blues, git Big Mama back in the breeze! "

Now Bushyfox reckons we need a Blues song for when Sploofus was down!!
Pic of me without Sploofus>>> then


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