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monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:20 AM

THREE MEN WALK INTO A BAR...

...and the fourth one ducks.



zeedee
Zeedee  (Level: 224.7 - Posts: 1088)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:25 AM

Three men walk into a bar.....


"Ouch!"



"Ouch!"



"Ouch!"


sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:25 AM

dang it, can only think of jokes inappropriate to this site. Thanks nips!

lowiq
Lowiq  (Level: 205.1 - Posts: 1943)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:34 AM

A horse walks into a bar...

and the bartender says, "Why the long face, buddy?"

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:37 AM

The 4th was the designated walker.

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:46 AM

Hillary and a pig walk into a bar. The bartender says 'hey you can't bring that dog in here....................'

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:52 AM

Hillary and Felix walk into a bar. Not the same bar of course.

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 12:45 PM

3 strings walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Hey, aren't you guys strings?" "Yes," they reply. Bartender says "Well we don't serve your kind in here. Get out!" The strings walk out of the bar and one has an idea. He tells the other two, "twist me up in the middle and then rough up both my ends." The other two strings comply. The string walks back into the bar and the bartender looks up and says "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string replies "Fraid not."

bigmama60
Bigmama60  (Level: 95.2 - Posts: 6648)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 12:53 PM

3 guys were together. One got lost. They guys asked the police for help.The police asked what are you names. They said shut up and none of your business. The police said are you looking for trouble? They said yea, do you know he is?

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 2:13 PM

Three dyslexic guys walked into a bra...

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 2:39 PM

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks about the steering wheel, the pirate replies "Ar-r-r, it's drivin' me nuts!"


lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 2:47 PM

That's actually one of my favorite jokes.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 2:53 PM

Love the strings.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 3:08 PM

LOL @ Both of you!

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 3:33 PM

You can laugh, but if you point and laugh, well its just rude.

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 3:46 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 3:52 PM

Sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 4:16 PM

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt."

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 4:27 PM

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender shakes it up, pours it into a glass and says "olive or twist?"


lodi
Lodi  (Level: 98.8 - Posts: 2144)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 5:12 PM

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 5:21 PM

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Sully." The bartender says "What's that?" The guy says, "it's a drink to honor the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson." The bartender says "So, what's in it?" and the guy says "two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water."

pepperdoc
Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4286)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 7:35 PM

oh my gosh...my sides are hurting.
i this thread


pepperdoc
Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4286)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 7:37 PM

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 7:37 PM

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink
here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?"

asor
Asor  (Level: 156.0 - Posts: 589)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 7:51 PM

A bartender hears a light tapping on the door. He opens it, but doesn't see anyone, so he shuts it. The tapping continues. He opens the door again and hears a squeaky voice from the ground. He looks down and sees a snail. Not being the most tolerant of men, the barkeep bends down, picks up the snail, and flings it across the street.

Eighteen months pass.

There's a light tapping at the door. Bartender opens the door, looks down, and a squeaky, highly indignant voice says, "Hey! What'd you do that for???!"

linenlady
Linenlady  (Level: 159.1 - Posts: 306)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 7:53 PM

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says "Where'd you get that ugly thing?" The frog says "France. They got millions of them."

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 8:14 PM

LMAO!!!!! Love this!

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 8:32 PM

A mushroom walks into a bar. Upon seeing that his latest customer is a mushroom, the bartender yells "Hey get out of here! We don't serve your kind." Clearly hurt, the mushroom asks, "Why not, I'm a fun guy?".

asor
Asor  (Level: 156.0 - Posts: 589)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 8:36 PM

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

(Courtesy of Comedy Central)

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 8:39 PM

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.


asor
Asor  (Level: 156.0 - Posts: 589)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 8:39 PM

Oh heeheeheeheehee! Now, that's funny

donden
Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 9:31 PM

Donden walks into 3 bars,,,,,or was it four? I don't remember.

zeedee
Zeedee  (Level: 224.7 - Posts: 1088)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 9:48 PM

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6644)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:04 PM

Pennwoman -- brilliant and sick. Great combo!

allena
Allena  (Level: 255.9 - Posts: 1392)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:37 PM

Three blonds walk into the bar ... You would have thought at least one them would have seen it ... Stop ... I love blonds but wanted to contribute to this great thread.

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:45 PM

Obviously bleached blondes.

mrbojangles
Mrbojangles  (Level: 16.6 - Posts: 231)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:47 PM

A man runs into Abar, Abar says "देखना."





Sorry, you've got to know the Hindi lanuage to appreciate this joke.

tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.2 - Posts: 3779)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 10:54 PM

Davy Crockett walked into a bar when he was only 3...killed it and got rit up in a song.


Off top, but amusing.

Q. How do you keep a blond(e) busy?

A. Have him/her alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

Q. Why does it work?

A. "Does 3 come before E or between M and W?"

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 11:11 PM

Guy walks into a bar and grill with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their order and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"Okay, I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, "A fish fillet, salad, and white wine."

The ostrich nods and says, "Okay, I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

The next time the two enter, the man orders pastrami with pickles and mustard with a Dr. Brown Cream Soda.

"Same," agrees the ostrich.
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but how do you happen to have the exact change in your pocket every day?"

"Well," says the man, "years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I polished it up, a genie appeared and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I needed money, I could just put my hand into this pocket and enough would always be there."

"Brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars right off the bat and probably waste it and be broke again, but you'll always have whatever you want for the rest of your life!"

"Yep. Whatever I want, from a newspaper to a condo, the exact amount is always in there," says the man.

The waitress gives a jerk of her head and asks, '"Where'd you get the ostrich?"

The man heaves a huge sigh and answers, "My other wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I want."

koota
Koota  (Level: 181.9 - Posts: 2104)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 11:12 PM

A limbo dancer walks into a bar.

He wasn't very good.

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.3 - Posts: 1302)
Wed, 12th Aug '09 11:43 PM

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

oogie54
Oogie54  (Level: 201.6 - Posts: 1120)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 1:00 AM

Guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables, the bartender says,"Don't come in here and try to start anything buddy!"

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.5 - Posts: 3742)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 1:03 AM

A termite walks into a saloon and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.5 - Posts: 3742)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 1:15 AM

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man bets the bartender his dog can talk, free drink if he wins. Bartender agrees.

Man says, "Rover, what's the top of a house called?"
Rover says, "Roof!" Bartender scowls, but gives the guy a free drink.

Man and dog walk in the next day. Same bet. Bartender agrees but demands a new question.
Man says, "Rover, how does sandpaper feel?"
Rover says, "Ruff!" Bartender grouses a bit, but pays up. He adds that if he sees them again, they'll have to do better.

Man and dog walk in the next day, asking for the same bet.
"Last time," says the bartender, "and I get to ask the question." The man agrees.
Bartender says, "Rover, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Rover says, "Ruth!"

The bartender goes ballistic and grabs the man and dog and throws them into the street.
Rover looks up at the man and says, "DiMaggio?"

pepperdoc
Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4286)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 8:23 AM

hahahahahaha!

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 10:29 AM

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishmen pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman also picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling "Spit it out, Spit it out, Spit it out!!!!"

marynuala
Marynuala  (Level: 133.8 - Posts: 994)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 1:07 PM

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..." ! ! !

asor
Asor  (Level: 156.0 - Posts: 589)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 1:31 PM

The CEOs of Anheuser Busch, Guinness and Miller Brewing meet at a bar.

"What can I get you gentlemen?" asks the barman.

"I'll have Bud," says the AB man.

"I'll have a Miller Genuine Draft," says the Miller man.

"I'll just have a Coke," the Guinness man says cooly.

The AB and Miller man look at him oddly.

"A Coke?" one asks. "We assumed you'd order a Guinness," chimes the other.

"Naw. If you gents aren't going to drink beer today, neither will. I."


madamec8
Madamec8  (Level: 82.6 - Posts: 893)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 2:00 PM

A Rabbi, an Irishman, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar.

The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 2:42 PM

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. Hungry, they ask the bartender if there are any specials. "Well", he drawls, "Buddy over there hit a deer this morning and in this state you get to eat what you kill."
"Excellent!" opines the Englishman, a keen sports fan, "I support Liverpool Football Club and will eat the beast's liver."
"Aye, that's richt braw" stereotypes the Scotsman, "I support Heart O' Midlothian F.C. so ah'll hae yon beasties heart."
"Salad for me" intones the Irishman.
The other two look somewhat bemused.
"Ach" the Irishman continues, "I saw where you two were going right enough, but I lost my appetite what with me being a fan of the Arsenal."


avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 3:02 PM

Someone runs into a saloon and yells, "I just heard -- Big Bad Bart is coming!"

Everyone immediately jumps up and runs out in panic. Except the bartender, who is terrified, but feels he can't leave the bar unattended.

Pretty soon, an 8-foot tall, 650 pound man comes up the deserted street, riding two buffalos, which he whips with a rattlesnake. He dismounts and strides into the bar. He pounds his fist on the bar (which splits in half) and says, "Gimme a keg of beer!"

He gulps down the keg of beer, puts down his money, and strides toward the door. The bartender says, "Uh, don't you want another beer?"

"Heck, no," he says. "I'm getting out of town. Haven't you heard? Big Bad Bart is coming!"

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.4 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 13th Aug '09 3:24 PM

This guy walks into a saloon in Alaska, and brags that he's from Texas where everything is bigger and better. His drinking companions offer to initiate him into the fraternity of true Alaskans, so he won't have to worry about coming from the second largest state in the Union.

"What must I do to be an Alaskan?" he asked plaintively.

He's told that he must drink a gallon of Alaskan whiskey, kill an Alaskan bear, and make love to an Alaskan woman. He decides to go for it.

He drinks the whiskey in about twenty minutes, and heads out the door. He returns in about 4 hours, clothes in tatters, scratches and cuts all over him, bite marks, blood oozing from a dozen wounds.

"All right, I took care of that bear. Now, where's that woman I gotta kill?"

tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.2 - Posts: 3779)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 9:15 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a mullah walk into a bar. The bartenders says, Hold it right there! Is this some kind of joke?"

ne1410s
Ne1410s  (Level: 239.0 - Posts: 24)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 1:06 PM

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 1:19 PM

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."


marynuala
Marynuala  (Level: 133.8 - Posts: 994)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 1:22 PM

And then, a man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."



dutchman
Dutchman  (Level: 234.3 - Posts: 36)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 3:40 PM

So one day a magician walks down the street and turns into a bar.

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.5 - Posts: 3742)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 10:02 PM

When I was teaching my son to drive, he one-upped the magician. He turned my car into a row of mailboxes.

sandracam
Sandracam  (Level: 149.3 - Posts: 4190)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 10:24 PM

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "you got any ID"? The Texan replies, "about what"?

koota
Koota  (Level: 181.9 - Posts: 2104)
Fri, 14th Aug '09 10:57 PM

A rabbi, a priest, and a sperm whale walk into a bar ....


This absolutely the funniest joke I've ever heard ... but it does involve a visual, so I can't give you the punch line. I swear that I will perform the punch line at the next Sploof Fest.



markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 8:47 AM

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and declares that his talented cephalopod is capable of playing any musical instrument in the world and bets all the bar patrons a drink that the octopus can't be defeated.

Firstly the barman offers up the bar piano and sure enough the octopus hammers away at the ivories like Richard Clayderman

Next someone produces a violin - and again the octopus starts playing like Vanessa Mae

Same with a harmonica - it plays like Larry Adler

Several more instruments are offered up and the octopus has no problem in extracting beautiful music from them all, then from the corner of the bar a wee Scotsman pipes up,

"Ah think I've goat something here that yer wee beastie might no be able tae play" amd produces a set of bagpipes

Well the octopus picks up the bagpipes and it stuggles and fumbles with them for a good 10 minutes without so much a note coming from them, and the wee Scotman says "Whit's the matter, can in no play them, then?"

"Play them" replies the man "it's still trying to get it's knickers off!"



tuzilla
Tuzilla  (Level: 134.2 - Posts: 3779)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 11:24 AM

Three men walk into a bar, one with an accordion, one with a set of bagpipes and the other wearing a one man band outfit, followed by a man with a gun. All three of the men order beers while the man with gun sits down on the end of the bar. The bartender asks him if he could help him. The man says "No, I'm just here to shoot the first one who starts playing."

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 11:57 AM

A man walks into a bar ans asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small bullfrog and sets it next to the piano playing rat. The bullfrog begins singing along to the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free beverages, a stranger approaches him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000, cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash up front. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane!?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "That frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 12:04 PM

Allison this is a great thread! Thank You.

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 2:18 PM

A man goes into a bar. He sits down and almost immediately starts to cry. The bartender inquires as to the nature of his dilemma. The replies that he had just lost his job. Knowing he will regret the question the bartender asked him what had happened. The man stated that he had been hired to turn around a long time mismanaged company. During his interview he promised that he would make a difference because he knew all of his employers problems and had answers that would change everything. Once hired he spent 8 weeks finding a dog instead of living up to fixing the economic woes of the company. He just could not believe that he had been fired. The bartender then commented that he understood the termination, but could not imagine who would have been stupid enough to hire the schmuck in the first place. Or something like that..............

smoke
Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12009)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 2:54 PM

I don't get it.

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 2:59 PM

Me either. Why would someone give a guy a job that he obviously couldn't handle. He interviewed well but had no experience thus he was doomed to fail. It unclear whether this guy gave someone else money to people that had proven that they were bad business people.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.4 - Posts: 1025)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 3:28 PM


Oh.

I thought for a while you were going to go with the flow and stay in the mood of this thread, after you made that nice remark.

Couldn't resist, could you?

felix
Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 3:30 PM

Hey it was a bar joke. Thanks for judging me.

smokydevil
Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 3:38 PM

If this is a repeat, I apologize.

George W. Bush walks into a bar and says, "Hey, friend, can I have a beer?"
The bartender replies, "Nope."
Angered, Bush finds the bar's manager and complains.
The manager takes the bartender into the back for a talk, then returns after a minute.
"Sorry, Mr. President," the manager states, "but there's nothing I can do. You addressed him as 'friend.'"
Shocked, Bush cries, "What does that have to do with anything?"
The manager replies, "Everybody knows that friends of yours don't have to serve."


papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.4 - Posts: 1025)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 3:47 PM

These three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania. First vampire says "I think I'd like a bottle of type A positive." The next one says "Give me a glass of the draught O negative, please." Third one says "l'll just have a glass of plasma."

Bartender says "Okay, so that'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Well, it's funnier if you say it out loud.

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.5 - Posts: 3742)
Mon, 17th Aug '09 7:57 PM

A duck (of no particular political persuasion, I might add) waddles into a pub and hops onto the bar.

"Got any grapes?" he asks the bartender.
"This is a bar, not a store. We don't have grapes." replies the barkeep.
"Oh. Thank you. Sorry." says the duck, and he walks out.

Next day the duck comes in again.
"Got any grapes?" he asks again.
"Are you the same duck from yesterday?"
"Yep. Got any grapes?"
"Like I said yesterday, we don't carry grapes. You need to find a grocery."
"Oh. Thank you. Sorry."

Next day the duck comes in again.
"Got any grapes?" he asks again.
"You again?!?"
"Yep. Got any grapes?"
"Get this straight, we don't carry grapes. Git!"
"Oh. Thank you. Sorry."

Next day the duck comes in again.
"Got any grapes?" he asks again.
"NO GRAPES. If you ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar!"
"Oh. Thank you. Sorry."

Next day the duck comes in again.
"Got any bolts?" he asks.
"No."
"Got any hammers?"
"NO."
"Got any nails?"
"NO! This ain't no hardware store!"
"Oh... Then I'd like some grapes, please."



barnierubble
Barnierubble  (Level: 93.9 - Posts: 637)
Tue, 18th Aug '09 6:55 AM

Man walks into a bar with a monkey on a string. He orders a beer, and the monkey jumps on the bar, grabs a handful of peanuts and eats them. He then grabs some olives and eats them. He then jumps down from the bar, jumps up on to the Pool Table and stuffs the cue ball into his mouth and swallows it. The man is mortified, apologises to the bar man and pays for the cue ball.
A week later, same man walks into same bar again, with same monkey on string. Orders beer, then monkey jumps on bar again. grabs some peanuts, eats them, grabs some olives, eats them, then sees some cocktail cherries. He takes one, sticks it up his backside, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted, and says how disgusting it is for the monkey to eat the cherry after it has put cherry up its backside. The man says, ever since the cue ball, the monkey checks anything new for size.

monkeynips13
Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Tue, 18th Aug '09 11:56 AM

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy answers, "Oh I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots, and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man."

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks. Hey Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers."

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Tue, 18th Aug '09 1:07 PM

A man walks into a bar wearing athletic gear and running spikes. In little more than a whisper, he asks the barman for a large shot of whiskey. He gets it, mutters something like 'Colt' ,then downs it in one before smacking himself right on the forehead with the glass.
He asks the barman for the same again.
The guy repeats the process, muttering a bit louder something like 'Dolt'.
He asks the barman for the same again.
The same thing happens only this time the muttering is much louder.
The barman, fearing for his shot glasses, finally asks the guy, "Hey man, are you sayin' 'Bolt'"?
The guy bursts into tears and crys "No, I'm Tyson Gay"!


Go Reggae Boyz!


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