You are not signed in (Login or Join Free)   |   Help
Sploofus Trivia
Trivia GamesCommunityLeaderboardsTournaments
You are here:  Home  >>  Chat Forums  >>  The Salty Dog  >>  View Chat Message

View Chat Message

Pages:  1    

Smaug  (Level: 140.7 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:09 PM


So, Smaug is going to be divorced soon.

Tell me your divorce recovery stories, how you are so much happier now, any tips on becoming single. etc...

Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:12 PM

Recovery stories ? I got divorced and recovered....that is why it is still alive.

Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:13 PM

Best money I ever spent.

Clevercloggs  (Level: 27.4 - Posts: 1246)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:16 PM

Being in recovery, i coped with what she did to me.I was every bit as bad as she was. But that skank hurt my son, and i doubt i will ever find a way to forgive her for that. I will keeep trying though.

Alvandy  (Level: 226.0 - Posts: 7527)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:18 PM

I can't answer your direct questions, since I'm still married , but I encourage you to remain a good father and stay involved with your kids. I'm sure you have considered this.

Working in the social services field, I certainly understand how a divorce affects the whole family. I'll take this opportunity to wish you well and minimal problems with your situation.

1mks  (Level: 208.4 - Posts: 5866)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:34 PM

I'm with Al on this one. Your children should come first. The hurt won't go away but it does get easier. AND whatever you do, don't bad mouth their matter how much you may want to. That will come back. The children will figure it out for themselves and that is the way it should be. She (the soon to be X Mrs. Smaug) dug her own hole and you don't need to point that out to the kids. That is the only advice I have. Divorce sucks no matter the reason......I was so grateful that my first marriage ended....I did however, feel like a failure for a time......that too will pass. The only good thing to come from that marriage is my son AND he thought enough of me to buy the house next door to me. My point is....I tried to never say anything
negative about his father although I think I could have written a book. He and his father don't have much of a relationship but I did not cause any of that. So best of luck to you. I ended up marrying the best man from my first marriage (he really WAS the best man)......any ex bridesmaids hanging around anywhere?

Collioure  (Level: 102.6 - Posts: 9952)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:39 PM

Women are generally radioactive for at least a year after divorce. I wouldn't go near them.

Don't know about guys.

Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:41 PM


Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 3:48 PM

Separation and divorce took a ton of emotional recovery from the time I walked out on my husband back in February 1985.
I was physically and mentally abused by this man for seventeen years, to the point where I no longer knew what a normal marriage should be like.
It took my last flickering flame of courage to leave him, taking our daughter. She was the catalyst, saying to me "Either WE leave, or I leave".....we left.

I was so frightened of reprisal for a long time...we hid out for a couple of months, not even my family knew my location, but I did keep in contact with them.
My daughter and I had counselling for a couple of years to exorcise all the feelings of low self-esteem, all the fear and the bad memories. I went into karate for five years, vowing I would never be beaten up again, and also became a firefighter for thirteen years: both great confidence-boosters.

The divorce itself was no great contest: I was still very afraid of him when it happened, so I did not fight to get half the estate as I should have. Instead, I got about 30% of it, despite the fact that I was the one who put up the deposit on the house, and had purchased all the house contents.

I was so relieved when it was all over, but it took many years to stop flinching at and sudden movements, and for the nightmares to cease.

I stayed single for over twenty years, till I met Jeremiah in 2000......we wed eight months ago. We had both been gun-shy of marriage, but both of us now realize that we had been viewing marriage by past evidence: not looking at what our own future would be like. We have no regrets, and are very happy to be together......finally! We commuted between Alaska and Australia to be together for quite a few years till now..he is going thru the migration process to become an Aussie resident.

Smaug: I hope the ending of your story will be a happy one. I hope you can walk away with head held high, knowing you did your best, and acted honorably, with integrity.
When it comes down to the bottom line, you have to live with'd best be sure that person is OK to live with.


Lodi  (Level: 96.1 - Posts: 2144)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 4:24 PM

I walked out of the courthouse with a grin on my face. FREE AT LAST!

It didn't last long. When you have children with someone, they are permanently part of your life in some capacity.


Pennwoman  (Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 4:55 PM

You just get up everyday, do the things you have to and at some point it gets easier. When, I don't know. I got out of my marriage when I realized if I didnt, my kids were going to grow up in a household full of screaming and tears. They were 2 &1, and it meant me having to work full time and raise them by myself. All I ever wanted was to be home with my kids, and it was something I never got to do. I was always careful with my kids about my ex -- I hated his living guts but I made an enourmous effort not to bad mouth him to them.... even when I really wanted to.... I figured that he was always going to be part of our lives so I better just adjust..... as time went by, my kids were able to figure out what a schmuck their dad was.... and it broke my heart when they did....
The only advice I would would offer, is always be consistant for the kids, and just becareful when you get back out in the dating world.... so easy to get fooled by someone just being nice to you for once......

Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 5:06 PM

The periods after all 5 of mine were some of the best times of my life. If you fall off pf the horse.....................

Salzypat  (Level: 154.5 - Posts: 5296)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 5:12 PM

Can't repeat it enough - do not say bad things about your ex in front of the children. Even my granddaughter, at age 9, knew when her mother was telling lies. But my son and I always told her she didn't have to approve of what her mother was doing but she needed to treat her mother respectfully. There is more that plays in to that, but I still think it was the right thing to tell my granddaughter. My granddaughter was wise beyond her years during the divorce and custody hearings. My son ended up with full permanent custody. My grandson who was only 5 at the time of the separation and divorce, has struggled much harder with understanding what took place.

Whatever you do, do the best for the children. Yours are older, so that will maybe make it easier.

The other thing is to wait before you start dating. If you don't wait at least a year, you'll just take old garbage from the first marriage into the second marriage. When you find someone to marry, a few years from now hopefully, I highly recommend pre-marital counseling. It gives you an opportunity to look at the pitfalls a second marriage will present, especially if she also has children. It's better to work out the differences before marriage than afterward.

Also use this time as an opportunity to do things you've wanted to do, whether it's to take a foreign language, travel or to learn a new skill such as remodeling a home or writing fiction.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 5:16 PM

I've never recovered. I guess for all my life I can only be called "recovering."

And I really miss all the things that were the most precious "things" to me - they were piled in a stack and burned (including all my family and baby pictures and my Best of Bread album!!!! And don't bother saying you'd have burned that album too! haha)

I have a scar on my head (ex was a Viet Nam vet who had blackouts - or at least that's his story and he's stuck with it for years) and scars on my heart, all of which will never fade away.

But my son went with me and now at 35 he is my very best friend - we have a deep respect for each other and always did during his years at home and in the Marines, and as a very admirable young man with his own family. We alone know what each has gone through.

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 5:46 PM

Divorce was final on 6/10/61. Got my draft notice 6 days later and by 7/12 I was starting basic at Fort Knox. Hell, Uncle Sam never gave me a chance to recover. I just traded one ball & chain for another. I will say one thing though; my drill sargeant was a heck of a lot nicer than my ex.

F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 6:13 PM

My ex is still sitting in prison for attempted manslaughter. When he gets out in 2013 he will have to find a job. I won the entire sale of our house, half of his settlement from a lawsuit he filed and half of his retirement. What money he had left he piad his attorney. I paid my attorney with my homemade kaloski's. My uncle always loved them. Things will work out for the best in the long run for you. You'll see.

Garrybl  (Level: 276.3 - Posts: 6611)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 6:58 PM

Was the attempted manslaughter of you laurie?

Bobolicios  (Level: 116.8 - Posts: 1745)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:11 PM

I will attempt a personal share. It is very therapeutic sometimes and I am touched by all the heartfelt responses on this subject.
I have to say that my ex was a great father and provider. We had a great marriage for a number of years and that union brought my 2 daughters into this world. For that I am truly grateful, I currently live with my oldest daughter. Our marriage got into trouble because we were busy working to acquire the American dream and stopped communicating and lost touch. We worked different shifts so we wouldn't need childcare. He frequently stayed out late with friends and left much responsiblity on me with our family and I worked as well. I wasn't getting the attention I felt I needed and the grass is definitely always greener. Not to make any excuses for my behavior I am the one who strayed. I have never forgiven myself and we tried to make it work unsuccessfully. We have maintained a good relationship for the sake of our kids. They are great and well adjusted, as for me I not the case. I had a series of abusive relationships with dead beat boyfriends and I guess it is payback. That is behind me now and I can't keep beating myself up over the past. It has brought me a serious addiction to alcohol, (recovering) and much pain. So I am alone and working on a relationship with myself, if someone comes along I certainly am not looking. The will have to be my friend first and not be a loser. In other words it will be hard to find. I will continue to grow and am forging ahead because that is all we can do. Thanks for letting me share and good luck Smaug on your new journey. Stephanie

Bobolicios  (Level: 116.8 - Posts: 1745)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:13 PM

I meant to say the grass is definitely NOT greener on the other side. Another words people need to try harder at their relationships instead of giving up.

F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:20 PM

Yes, Barry it was me. he was on oxycotin,hydrocodone,klonopin,and other drugs that I can't remember the names of. He forced me into the car by litrally picking me up and putting me in the car. he was doing 65 MPH when he went head on into a cemant divider. I ended up with a broken neck and back from that. He didn't have a scratch on him. Parts of the entire car were laying on the highway, a bridge, mind you. Thank God I am a seat bealt wearer!

Pennwoman  (Level: 152.3 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:29 PM

The day I left my husband, I had spent the morning mowing grass, with the baby on my hip, while my daughter was in the play pen. My husband was fishing, and came home drunk -- too drunk to go to the neighbors for the picnic that HE setup.... I went and was just to humiliated to say that the ex was to drunk to cross over the yard.... I went back home, praying I wasn't heading into a fight when I realized. Enough. I didn't cheat. I was devoted to my husband because I loved him. I tried to make the marriage work but suddenly I knew that the greater good was to leave and make a stable family for my children. I made a family and it was good! My kids are amazing, all three of them are kind, thoughtful, caring people (and the funniest people I know).
So why this little tale of mine? The one thing I forgot to do, with working full time, three kids, a mother with MS, a father who passed after 2 years of cancer, etc etc etc ( that whole life thing) I forgot to take care of me, and I paid dearly for that. Smaug, you've been hurt badly, but you can make a whole new life for yourself and your children. But seriously make time for you and the things you want and need, sometimes the best example to a child is a happy parent!

Lodi  (Level: 96.1 - Posts: 2144)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:50 PM

OMG Laurie!

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 7:51 PM

How do you "attempt" manslaughter???

Bigbird  (Level: 236.3 - Posts: 3300)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 8:02 PM

We probably all have stories that we consider horrors. Mine was a soap opera. He went off with his best friend's wife as we were all living together in a summer counselor-teacher setting. There were about 8 of us living in a staff house when he informed me that he would drive me back at the end of the summer, and then he was going off with her. This was a couple with whom we had hung out for a couple of years as we were all relatively newly married.

Frankly, what put me back together were my students. Junior high kids are very demanding of your time, and I just threw myself into being the best damned teacher I could be.

I found that I was stronger than I thought I was. I could make it on my own; I could take care of a house, and the rest of my responsibilities without him. Interestingly, I had never felt that I was ready to have kids - we separated when I was 27 - but as soon as I felt I had landed on my feet, I felt ready for a family.

I have never felt quite as trusting again; the experience takes a part of you away. But the best way to deal is just to go on with your life. Peace will find you.

Monkeynips13  (Level: 21.5 - Posts: 647)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 9:39 PM

I divorced my ex-husband after three years of physical and emotional abuse. I am eternally grateful that there were no children involved. I had no regrets about the divorce, and I bear my ex no ill will. Yes, he did some bad things, but that does not make him a bad person, and lord knows I brought my own set of issues into the relationship. Even without the abuse, I doubt the marriage would have worked out. I signed the papers, let him go, let go of the bad times, forgave him, and moved on, and have rarely thought of him since.

Bobolicios  (Level: 116.8 - Posts: 1745)
Mon, 5th Oct '09 9:52 PM

I think the experience has a lot to do with whether there are children involved. That always complicates things, also if you really had a real love and good marriage and it soured. Everyone brings there own issues into relationships, and most of the time that is not a good thing. Your marriage can't be a rehashing of your own dysfunctional (in my case) childhood if it is going to last. But this thread is about overcoming it, and sounds like some bitterness and pain involved. It never hurts to go talk to someone about it, and it might help you with future long term relationships.

F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 11:57 AM

Sorry Don,
I forgot to put the "voluntary" in between attempted and manslaughter. Attempted voluntary manslaughter. That was the sentence that the jury voted in.

Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 12:26 PM

I'm divorced, and gratefully so. Not sure I want to air my dirty laundry on Salty Dog though (though I might have before)!!! Recovering was fun, just took time and further relationships for me.

F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 1:42 PM

Jeremy, I agree with you about being grateful to be divorced. I never had to recover from my divorce. My neighbors threw a congrats party for me on the weekend after May 23, 2006 when the paers were "signed, sealed and delivered"!!! The recovery from the car wreck took forever but not the divorce. The party was awesome!

Bigmama60  (Level: 95.2 - Posts: 6648)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 5:04 PM


Felix  (Level: 109.3 - Posts: 2500)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 5:39 PM

You can remain friendly with an ex. Just because you cannot live with someone does not mean you must exclude them form your life. I remain friends with all of mine. #3 is probably my best friend and was a great help when I was caring for my parents. It's tough to totally lose someone that was once special to you. I did however make my last child support payment to #1 in unrolled pennies (in a flimsy bag).

Smaug  (Level: 140.7 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 6:28 PM

Well, we are waiting to sell the house, so we are under the same roof....and getting along better than every way.. (weird, huh?)

But, those of you that know the back story, I can't go forward with this...

Bobolicios  (Level: 116.8 - Posts: 1745)
Tue, 6th Oct '09 6:38 PM

Glad you are at least getting along until it is resolved. It makes the estrangement and transition easier. It was that way with my marriage for a while. I even had hopes of reconciliation for a time. Sometimes however you have to call it a day and give up on even the most meaningful relationships. Cut your losses and know when to call it quits, with the least amount of rancor, if nothing else then for your kids.

Pages:  1    

Copyright © 2003-2016 Sploofus Holdings LLC.  All rights reserved.
Legal Notice & Privacy Statement  |  Link to Sploofus