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Irishpainter  (Level: 166.1 - Posts: 224)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 4:19 AM


How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels..

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

Didb72  (Level: 222.2 - Posts: 243)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 4:56 AM

I like them .

Mplaw51  (Level: 184.8 - Posts: 1580)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 7:32 AM

Thanks for the laughs!

Irishpainter  (Level: 166.1 - Posts: 224)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 5:48 PM

Pity no one else would reply. even after 76 views only got two replies,. Must give a high five to thoses who bothered

M48ortal  (Level: 263.5 - Posts: 3849)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 6:21 PM

Don't be upset. How does one reply to something that is so self-explanatory?

It's like my post "Why the Saints will win." I look at the number of views, then the number of posts, and know that the viewers are shaking their heads. In one direction or the other. Like you, I love feedback, but everyone seems to be super busy right now.

I guarantee your jokes are being forwarded to many friends and family right now. Good job.

Garrybl  (Level: 294.1 - Posts: 6803)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 7:33 PM

some very funny stuff here.
this one was posted before but I was reminded of it when I was emailed it again last week.

The husband comes through the bedroom door carrying a pig.
He says ' Honey this is the cow I have to sleep with when you have a headache'

The wife says scathingly ' If yoiu weren't so stupid you would know that is a pig!'

The husband says ' If YOU weren't so stpudi you would know I was talkig to the pig.'

And then the fight started...

Smoke  (Level: 96.7 - Posts: 12008)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 7:53 PM

First time I heard that one, email wasn't invented yet. Heck, Eniac hadn't been invented yet.

Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Sun, 7th Feb '10 8:04 PM

Well, yes, I sent the list of jokes off to a friend who is very choosy about the ones she enjoys. She lives 20 minutes drive away from me and I swear I heard her laughing.

Thanks for the fun.

Jeannette  (Level: 115.1 - Posts: 1734)
Mon, 8th Feb '10 2:03 AM

some ive heard others not still made me laugh thks clemx

Calamari  (Level: 12.4 - Posts: 249)
Mon, 8th Feb '10 7:33 PM

Thanks for the laughs! Funny, funny stuff!

Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2011)
Mon, 8th Feb '10 9:49 PM

Still laughing...thanks...

Allena  (Level: 268.6 - Posts: 1416)
Mon, 8th Feb '10 10:08 PM

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry, 'and you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Irishpainter  (Level: 166.1 - Posts: 224)
Tue, 9th Feb '10 6:11 PM

Will the fighting ever stop

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife was hinting that I never take her anywhere anymore.

I said; but you always find your way back home.

And then the fight started...

Mymaria  (Level: 137.2 - Posts: 681)
Tue, 9th Feb '10 6:33 PM

I have heard of several of these before, but like being healthy, they never get old............ thanks Clem for starting this thread, and for all of you who have contributed to it. I don't think there's enough humor on this site at times..........GO FUNNY STUFF

Artcr1715  (Level: 100.1 - Posts: 165)
Tue, 9th Feb '10 8:08 PM

When the husband got home, the wife said to him,
"I just met the woman that moved in down the street last week,
and she said her husband makes love to her for one hour every night"
"Why can't you do that" she said.

He said "fine, but you would have to introduce us first!!"

And then the fight started.......

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