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Irishpainter  (Level: 166.1 - Posts: 224)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 6:09 PM


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: Because he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'


One for our Aussie friends

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bruce said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie,
I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it"


The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.

The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped. "The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

Irishpainter  (Level: 166.1 - Posts: 224)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 6:17 PM

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had been in a terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever.
She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant......then remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital where she saw the doctor in charge and she asked about her husband's condition. The doctor, a woman, glared at her and shouted, "You finished your shopping trip .....didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you spent the past hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
But let me tell will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll be his care giver!"
The woman, bowed down by guilt and shock, broke into loud sobs.
Patting her on the shoulder the lady doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg....he's dead......what did you buy?"



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......


Feck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Alvandy  (Level: 242.0 - Posts: 7725)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 6:31 PM

----some real funny ones.

nice alternative using the "F" word by the way

Calamari  (Level: 12.4 - Posts: 249)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 7:16 PM

I got a belly laugh from these! Thanks for posting!

Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 7:33 PM

I dare not tell my son who is an ICU doctor the one about that, but my Scrabble friends (who are also shoppers) will enjoy it immensely. Thanks.

M48ortal  (Level: 263.7 - Posts: 3850)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 7:53 PM

Mplaw51  (Level: 185.5 - Posts: 1580)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 10:39 PM

Loved them! I'd heard the "hind lick" one before but it bears repeating, so funny!

Jerrys  (Level: 200.1 - Posts: 334)
Mon, 15th Feb '10 10:49 PM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

Wordster  (Level: 167.7 - Posts: 938)
Tue, 16th Feb '10 9:42 AM

Very funny jokes. THANKS

Wordster  (Level: 167.7 - Posts: 938)
Tue, 16th Feb '10 9:44 AM

PS My monday wasn't too funny any more after I hurt my back. It's still not great today.

Scrabq  (Level: 76.7 - Posts: 167)
Tue, 16th Feb '10 9:07 PM

It's Wednesday here, but we can pretend it is still a funny Monday.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Jeannette  (Level: 115.1 - Posts: 1734)
Wed, 17th Feb '10 3:24 AM

lol its good to laugh and smile x

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