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pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 14th May '10 11:46 AM

YOUR FAVORITE JOKE

Everyone has a joke, that always makes them laugh. These are two of my favorites... Tell me yours.
~~~
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
~~~
Once, there was a Lephrechaun, caught in some brambles at the edge of a golf course. Along, came a golfer, who seeing the little guy in trouble, helped him out. The Leprechaun, thanked the golfer, and offered to grant him a wish, but the golfer declined, saying "I am just happy to be of help" and off he went to finish his game.
The Leprechaun, was astonished, that the golfer declined a wish. He thought to himself, I am going to do three things for this kind man. First, I am going to improve his golf game, second, I am going to make him wealthy and third, I am to improve his sex life!
A year later, the golfer happened upon the Leprechaun again. He asked the golfer, "How are things?" The golf replied "Amazing! My golf has been so good, I thought of maybe turning pro!" The Leprechaun then asked, "How is your money situatuion?" The golfer said "Wonderful, the money has been POURING in every week!"
The Leprechaun, then poked the golfer in the ribs, winked and said "And your sex life?"
The golfer said, "oh its great, I've been getting lucky once, twice a month!?
The Leprechaun was astonished! Once? Twice a month? Really?" To which the golfer said
"Hey, that's not bad for a priest in a small parish!"

goddess28
Goddess28  (Level: 92.6 - Posts: 5236)
Fri, 14th May '10 12:49 PM

Every Sunday Father Donovan, a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Fri, 14th May '10 3:29 PM

LOL!

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Fri, 14th May '10 4:35 PM

Abraham Cohen is dying. His son asks him
'Dad is there anything I can get you?'
He says 'Yes I would like to die with the taste of mama's Appelstrudel in my mouth'

Off goes the son. He comes back. Abraham says 'The appelstrudel?'
'Mama says you can't have any.'
'Can't have any?'
'Mama says its for after the funeral.'

jerrys
Jerrys  (Level: 190.4 - Posts: 334)
Fri, 14th May '10 10:22 PM

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS


'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.1 - Posts: 3742)
Sat, 15th May '10 10:40 AM

A boy is standing on a wobbly man-hole cover. He crouches and jumps straight up, and at the height of his leap, yells, "Fittytooo!" He lands back on the cover and giggles insanely. He repeats this several times as a man watches him from nearby.

"Whadahya doin'?"

"Just jumpin'"

"Why?"

"'Cause it's fun!"

"Move off. Lemme try it."

So the man steps onto the cover and jumps. Up, down, thud. "I get nothin.'"

"You gotta put some leg into it, it's the height that tickles your belly," says the boy.

JUMP. Up. Down. THUD. "Still nothin."

The boy scratches his head and says, "Oh. I forgot. You got to yell somethin at the top of your jump. I use 'fittytoo' and it gets my belly like a roller coaster."

So the man crouches, and leaps an awesome leap, and screams "Fittytoooooooooo"

As the boy slides the manhole cover to one side.

He soon replaces the manhole cover, steps on, giggles, crouches, leaps, and yells, "Fitty-tree!"

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.1 - Posts: 5313)
Sat, 15th May '10 11:03 AM

Do you know why God sent a star to guide the three wise men to find Jesus?

Since they were men, he knew they'd never stop to ask for directions.

mickeym
Mickeym  (Level: 88.2 - Posts: 1803)
Sat, 15th May '10 4:22 PM

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Sat, 15th May '10 5:34 PM

Seamus has a bit too much to drink at the pub and throws up all over his beautiful new wool sweater. He starts crying and says to his friend Brendan, "Ayy, I done for sure, Molly just brought me this." His friend Brendan says, "Here is what you do."

Brendan puts ten dollars in Seamus' pocket. "When Molly asks about the shirt, say you were being a good samaritan with a drunk at the pub and he puked all over your sweater. Then say he gave you ten dollars to clean it, it will make it all seem real."

So Seamus staggers in the door around midnite and sure enough Molly is furious. He tells her the story and she reaches into his pocket. "Ayy, but there's twenty dollars here, not ten!," she cries. "Right, I forgot to tell you. The same lad shat in me pants as well !"

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Sat, 15th May '10 6:36 PM

Prince Charles visited Poole. Throughout lunch, a tour of Poole Harbour in the afternoon and the formal dinner at night he wore a large, Davy Crocket style hat. Eventually one of his surprised hosts plucked up the courage to ask why he was wearing it. "Oh Mummy told me to," he replied, "When I told her I was visiting Poole she said 'Wear the fox hat'!"

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Sat, 15th May '10 8:20 PM

Very nice (and tasteful) chender

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Sun, 16th May '10 11:20 AM

I don't get it.

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Sun, 16th May '10 4:53 PM

I'll change the punctuation ..............."Poole? Wear the fox hat?"

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Sun, 16th May '10 4:55 PM

Got it.

surreyman
Surreyman  (Level: 260.4 - Posts: 2770)
Mon, 17th May '10 3:09 AM

During some 70 years I remain almost the only person that laughs at this old Punch cartoon - and I don't just laugh, I'm on my back in hysterics, legs waving in the air!
But it needs a Goon-like sense of humour which these days seems to be extinct.

Two hippopotami are in a pool surrounded by thousands of miles of dense uninhabited jungle.
One says to the other "I keep thinking it's Tuesday".

Told you ....................

mickeym
Mickeym  (Level: 88.2 - Posts: 1803)
Mon, 17th May '10 6:49 AM

Just found the cartoon at http://www.punchcartoons.com/p782/Cartoon-Print:-I-keep-thinking-it%27s-Tuesday-Hippo-Sketch./product_info.html
Actually the hippos are in a pool in front of a desert island, which makes no sense BTW! Hysterical.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Mon, 17th May '10 8:02 AM

No Surreyman, you're not the only one who thinks it is funny.
By the way it is quoted as a quintessential example of a surreal joke somewhere... maybe Michael Barnsley's (?) book on the English sense of humor.

Barry

1mks
1mks  (Level: 210.8 - Posts: 5883)
Mon, 17th May '10 8:49 AM

My entire thread was deleted last week and yet one of these jokes is as equally smutty if not worse.......so now we have double standards for the censorship crap again. That plainly sucks.

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 17th May '10 9:07 AM

Naked Truth


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."


pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 154.7 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 17th May '10 9:45 AM

What Not To Say


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


mcmahon
Mcmahon  (Level: 39.6 - Posts: 224)
Mon, 17th May '10 12:52 PM

These are names of people here! Mind your own business,Manners and pooh were cycling on their bikes on the road, pooh falls on the ground and is badly injured. So Mind your own business goes out and looks for help and a police man sees him and the police man says"Whats your name" said the Policeman? And Mind your own business says"Mind Your Own business" and the police man says "where is your manners?" and Mind your own business says," well thats why I came here to tell you that, manners is trying to pick up Pooh!

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 17th May '10 2:21 PM

hippo thing is funny. The cartoon isn't that great though.

It would be great as two cows in a Far Side too

barnierubble
Barnierubble  (Level: 93.9 - Posts: 637)
Tue, 18th May '10 6:42 AM

Is that supposed to be funny. Mcmahon?

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Tue, 18th May '10 8:41 AM

A man walked into a market with his young son. The child is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

No," the woman replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."


mcmahon
Mcmahon  (Level: 39.6 - Posts: 224)
Tue, 18th May '10 11:31 AM

Barnierubble, don't read the jokes then,if you are going to be smart.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Tue, 18th May '10 6:37 PM

I'm a big fan of absurdist cartoons.
I lost the copy of the Punch cartoon from the 70s I think by Pyne.
I dont remember the precise details so I'm going to give you an approximation:
It's a court room, and in the center of the room is a table; on the table is a chair, on the chair is a pogo stick.
On the pogo stick is a man and standing on his shoulders is a lawyer.

The lawyer is saying "And that m'lud concludes the case for the defence".

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 256.8 - Posts: 3936)
Tue, 18th May '10 8:50 PM

My two favorite absurdish cartoons both showed up in magazines in the early 80s, as I recall.

One from The New Yorker depicted a large white chess piece sitting alone in the middle of a nondescript desert. The caption: "Obscure chess moves: Queen's Pawn to Albuquerque, New Mexico."

The other I think showed in Playboy. It featured a woman and a bald man lying in bed, with a goat standing nearby. In the caption, the woman was saying, "While you were asleep, the goat ate all your hair."

mickeym
Mickeym  (Level: 88.2 - Posts: 1803)
Tue, 18th May '10 11:05 PM

Almost all of Thurber's are at least partially adsurdist. My favorite shows an angry wife saying to husband in bed, with a seal hanging over the headboard, "Ok, have it your way, you heard a seal bark".

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.1 - Posts: 3742)
Tue, 18th May '10 11:46 PM

My favorite absurdist joke was this: Several friends are in on the joke. When a group is together, one of the "insiders" asks "What's the difference between an orange?" After a bit, either he or an accomplice will state, "It's a motorcycle because it doesn't have any doors!" All those in on the joke then laugh uncontrollably, with appropriate comments, leaving everyone else wondering WTH.

When the "Magic Eye" (or whatever) posters were in vogue, I coached one of my classes on this prank. We put up a normal poster in the hall, and members of this class would gather in twos and threes and stand staring at it, while commenting on all the different things they were seeing in it. After a while, others started "seeing" them also.

How many surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 256.8 - Posts: 3936)
Wed, 19th May '10 5:57 AM

I don't get it. How's that different from any of those "Magic Eye" pictures?

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Wed, 19th May '10 6:05 AM



m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.1 - Posts: 3742)
Wed, 19th May '10 7:04 AM

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?


A fish.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Wed, 19th May '10 9:59 AM

What is the difference between a duck?

One of its wings is both the same.

dasfunk
Dasfunk  (Level: 181.5 - Posts: 2307)
Wed, 19th May '10 4:59 PM

A woman goes to visit the local psychic, and pays the fortuneteller to peer into her crystal ball.

The fortuneteller gazes intently for several moments, then gasps, and pushes the ball aside.

"I'm sorry, but what I've seen is just too....I can not tell you. Please, allow me to return your money."

"No, no." says the woman. "I must know. Tell me what you have seen!"

"It was h-h-horrible. I saw a man - he m-m-must have been your husband...and he was lying dead in a pool of blood. There was blood everywhere. I've never seen anything so evil."

"May I ask you another question?" inquired the patron.

"Yes, of course."

"Will I be acquitted?"

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Wed, 19th May '10 6:21 PM

That reminds me of the old couple who visited their doctor. After examining the old man the doctor called his wife in on her own. "Your husband is extremely ill" she's told, " but we can get him through this if you follow his every whim. If he's hungry feed him whatever he wants; thirsty, provide the drink he desires; and if he wants to make love, any time, day or night, satisfy him."

The old couple saunter home. "What did the doctor say?" asks the husband. "You're going to die" the wife replied.

dasfunk
Dasfunk  (Level: 181.5 - Posts: 2307)
Wed, 19th May '10 6:53 PM

Well, then, Chender...

A man is sitting in a doctor's office, waiting, nervously, for the prognosis:

"Tell it to me straight. No sugar coating. How bad is it?"

"Well, Jim, if you want me to be totally honest, you should go home and get your affairs in order. Even with the best of medical care, I don't think you're going to make it more than six months with this illness of yours. The best we can do is keep you comfortable."

"That bad, huh? Well, I appreciate your candor, doc. Now I can make all the arrangements, and do what I need to do."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I guess I have no choice but to go home, pack up all my things, and move in with my mother-in-law."

"Your mother-in-law? Why would you want to move in with your mother-in-law?"

"Doc, it'll be the longest six months of my life."


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