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smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 2:16 PM

SMAUG'S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING

Okay, I've been online dating for a few months and I want to share my experience.

Main photo is the best one ever taken, at least ten years old and 15 pounds ago, drunk, with a savage tan and a reckless disregard for future basal cell carcinoma.

Profile Questions

Age?
34 = 38
39 = 48
39 = 52
39 = 56
49 = mid-to-late 70s

Drink?
Never = Crusading recovered alcoholic
Never = Social Drinker
Social Drinker = Full blown alcoholic
Moderately = Full blown alcoholic
Regularly = Full blown alcoholic
No answer = Full blown alcoholic

Body Type?
Slender = Pudgy
Average = Fat but maybe
A Few Extra Pounds = Fat
Stocky = Fat
Curvy = Fat
Heavyset = Christ
No answer = Fat

Ethnicity
White = White
White = Latino
Latino = African American
Latino = Some Weird Peruvian aborigine
Asian = Asian
Mixed= Some Weird Peruvian aborigine
African American = Wesley Snipes Type
No answer = Some Weird Peruvian aborigine

Kids?
None = 1
1 = 2
2 = 4
3 + = Catholic
No answer = 3+

Marital Status
Separated = Swinger
Divorced = Separated
Never Married = Bad Divorce
Divorced Twice + = Yikes
No answer = Married

Want Kids? (female)
No = No
No = I'll hook you into some later
Probably Not = Yes
Someday = Sunday
Maybe = Desperately
Yes = Condoms with holes
Definitely = Test tube in purse
No answer = Desperately

Want Kids? (male)
No=No
Maybe=No, but I like younger women
Probably Not = Have a Vasectomy
Yes= Maybe

Religion
Atheist=Atheist
Agnostic=Christian
Spiritual but not religious=Christian nut
Christian=Christian nut
Devout Christian=Christian nut
Jewish=Jewish
Other=Christian nut

Politics
Very liberal = Left wing Nut
Liberal=Left wing Nut
Moderate=Winds up being the opposite of you on every issue
Conservative=Right Wing Nut
Very Conservative = Right wing Nut
None Stated=Foreigner

Career
Business=Secretary
Self-employed=Unemployed
Entrepreneur=Unemployed and not looking

Exercise?
Daily = Judgmental Exercise Nut
3-4 times a week= once a week
Once a week = Never
Never = Fat
No answer = Fat

1mks
1mks  (Level: 210.8 - Posts: 5883)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 2:34 PM

That is seriously hilarious......thanks for the laugh.

garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 279.5 - Posts: 6639)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 6:02 PM

truly made me laugh out loud a couple of times.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.1 - Posts: 7560)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 6:09 PM

Very funny stuff.

Sorry to hijack the topic- but does any one know what country in the world uses online dating more than any other?
It's the unanswered question on a local radio station trivia contest.

Not Japan; Germany; Brazil; USA; for starters.

Would the Vatican count?

I'm afraid to try that answer.

collioure
Collioure  (Level: 104.6 - Posts: 9952)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 6:31 PM

I'd try China.

browser
Browser  (Level: 17.2 - Posts: 50)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 6:38 PM

Good stuff, thanks for sharing.

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 7:07 PM

I'd guess Russia.

m48ortal
M48ortal  (Level: 251.1 - Posts: 3742)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 7:12 PM

I'd go with Japan. Does emailing an escort service count as dating?

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.1 - Posts: 7560)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 7:50 PM

Japan was guessed already. I giesha you're wrong.

Smaug- I believe Russia was guessed also, but I'm not positive. Might try that if I get through tomorrow,

Even with all the Googling- no one has found the deejay's source for this question yet.



mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.5 - Posts: 1582)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 7:52 PM

So....were there any decent dates???? Inquiring minds and all....

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 9:10 PM

Yeah, I've dated five women in two months.

One was a lawyer. We went on two dates. Had a real young kid, not a match, but she was smart and cool. But looking for a long term dad.

The next was a beautician. Cute, but didn't have much in common.

Next was a corporate marketing type. Three dates, she was my favorite, but two young kids, also looking for a daddy.

Two other one-daters.

Fun, actually. Despite all the hate-dating hype I'm not in any hurry, so no pressure.


kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 256.8 - Posts: 3936)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 9:33 PM

If dates at banks count, I'd go with Nigeria.

smokydevil
Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 9:35 PM

This nurse I know thinks its her country of North Korea. No clue......

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Mon, 14th Jun '10 11:25 PM

1: wha?
2: wha?

mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.5 - Posts: 1582)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 6:36 AM

I don't get it either.

Looks like you're relaxing a bit. Sounds like a good idea.

asor
Asor  (Level: 155.7 - Posts: 589)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 9:33 AM

Gotta be Bulgaria.

f5laur
F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 4:02 PM

Smaug never fails to make me laugh! His guide to online dating has to be the best one out of however many there are out there!
A few years ago, my crazy sister signed up with EHarmony.com! I guess she got some kind of a discount for referring a friend and she chose me just to get the discount!
However, she never told me until after I got an email from that stupid "service". I responded with saying " No thanks, the day that I become desperate enough to pay for meeting someone, I'd rather shoot myself!"
I sure wish I had Smaug's list back then! hahahaha

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 6:47 PM

Well, it is tough to meet someone, I'm self-employed and live in the sticks.

This is expensive, tho. Nobody has reached for a check yet, and I dropped a $250 dinner on the corporate marketing type.

smokydevil
Smokydevil  (Level: 163.0 - Posts: 5381)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 6:50 PM

If they are not reaching for the check, maybe you should consider McDonalds for a starter date, and work your way up to that $250 later if things get serious........

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 7:41 PM

Nah, first date is always drinks...someplace nice where I know the owner.

Although McDies is good advice, thanks SYL.

f5laur
F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Tue, 15th Jun '10 8:02 PM

How about just meeting at a small outdoor cafe or ice cream shop for the first date?
Personally, I think that would be lovely. Not too fancy, but somewhere where it's pretty.

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 11:56 AM

Because I'm an alcoholic. Duh...

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.1 - Posts: 7560)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 4:12 PM

Rum ice cream can affect some people.

f5laur
F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 4:48 PM

I didn't know you were an alcoholic, Smaug. DUH!

chender
Chender  (Level: 193.2 - Posts: 160)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 5:49 PM

Love the phrase "dropped a dinner", it sounds delightfully messy!

I thought the days of the man paying died out with equal pay. While I could never bear the thought of examing the bill with "now, how many glasses/bottles of wine did you have?" as a form of foreplay, I'd have thought one of the parties would have to have insisted before someone got a free lunch.

smaug
Smaug  (Level: 141.2 - Posts: 2772)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 5:54 PM

I was with Satan 24 years and she never saw a check. Complained bitterly when I finally did suggest it.

f5laur
F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 6:07 PM

Should have taken Satan to Mcdonald's for the dollar menu!


f5laur
F5laur  (Level: 31.1 - Posts: 823)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 6:09 PM

Woops That glas was for Smaug.
For Satan< I meant hahaha

bbear
Bbear  (Level: 161.0 - Posts: 2301)
Wed, 16th Jun '10 6:30 PM

I guess that makes me:

A white, 39-year-old social drinker that has a few extra pound, agnostic, once a week exercising woman in the health care industry. No answer to the married question!

Hay, Smaug, how about a date?


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