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aslan
Aslan  (Level: 27.6 - Posts: 356)
Mon, 14th May '07 10:16 AM

I OWE MY MOTHER

I meant to post this yesterday for Mother's Day, but I umm... accidentally hit a time warp, yeah, that's what happened!

I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2 My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."


eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Mon, 14th May '07 10:21 AM

Very nice Robert. I remember my mother telling me she was going to "slap me silly." I find that pretty funny now but it scared the bejesus out of me as a kid.

smoke20
Smoke20  (Level: 62.6 - Posts: 2815)
Mon, 14th May '07 10:29 AM

Well worth waiting for, Robert. Thanks for a much-needed chuckle.

I can't put most of the stuff my mom said here without changing it beyond recognition and muting the force of expression.

She was a pistol, was Mom.

towerguard
Towerguard  (Level: 71.6 - Posts: 150)
Mon, 14th May '07 10:51 AM

BTW...#21 explains why so many guys are strictly meat and potato eaters.

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Mon, 14th May '07 11:23 AM

Oh yeah, there was also "slap me up one side and down the other."

Is that even possible?

gypsylady
Gypsylady  (Level: 142.8 - Posts: 6057)
Mon, 14th May '07 12:30 PM

I loved your Mother's Day tribute, Robert! So many of them applied to me, and I could just hear them all over again. Thanks for a great post!

Marilyn...

aslan
Aslan  (Level: 27.6 - Posts: 356)
Mon, 14th May '07 12:38 PM

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Now that I'm getting older, I have to remember to always have extra clean underwear in case I HAVE an accident.

ladyvol
Ladyvol  (Level: 205.4 - Posts: 5490)
Mon, 14th May '07 1:40 PM

Loved the Mother's Day Tribute..I've heard several of those sayings in my growing up years....I also heard "I'll knock you down and stomp you"...and "You ain't leaving this house with THAT outfit on!"
Vickie

lettermanfan1
Lettermanfan1  (Level: 88.3 - Posts: 486)
Mon, 14th May '07 8:59 PM

Let me add a couple of "southernisms" I heard from Mom (and have been known to use)
"If you don't knock it off, I will be on you like a duck on a junebug!"
"You are actin' uglier than a mud fence."
I have never seen a junebug or a mud fence.
I miss my mom.
Leah

cherylann
Cherylann  (Level: 15.2 - Posts: 23)
Mon, 14th May '07 10:16 PM

loved that!!! very good Robert!!!

texlewee
Texlewee  (Level: 34.1 - Posts: 601)
Tue, 15th May '07 12:17 AM

My Grandma used to say she'd "Slap The Slat" out of us...

oldcougar
Oldcougar  (Level: 220.4 - Posts: 1935)
Tue, 15th May '07 4:42 AM

my Mom say all those things plus a many more beauts. Here's 3.
When it was crowded & there was no place to sit & you were whining, she said "sit on the floor & let your feet hang over".
If you left one of the cupboard doors open, she said "close that cupboard door it looks like someone standing there with their mouth open".
If you found a hair in your food, she said "be quiet or everybody else will want one".
My God how I miss her. Here's to mothers everywhere & every day.

kaelin
Kaelin  (Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 15th May '07 8:10 AM

Those were super. My Mom just returned from a road trip. My grandparents are 84 and my grandfather was a Marine and fought in Guadal Canal. She started from where they lived, in Louisiana, and took them all the way up to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. On my grandfathers 85th birthday (May 5) - they were in New York city, where my grandfather had always wanted to go. We called them from here and she had taken them to the Statue of Liberty, to see the Symbol of Freedom my grandfather had fought for. It was so amazing! Mom said Grandma and Grandpa both just cried looking up at her. They made it home safely last week and I just thought that was an amazing thing for my Mom to have done!

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Tue, 15th May '07 9:12 AM

My mom made me tough. If you hurt yourself, you hid it so you didn't risk getting in trouble because you were obviously doing something wrong or you wouldn't be hurt. Or she would bring out this lethal red stuff Merthiolate or Mercurochrome and they burned like hell and turned your skin red.


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