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Tuzilla  (Level: 146.4 - Posts: 3843)
Sat, 13th Oct '07 7:09 PM


Some examples of people trying to sound intelligent, but...

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

Slowpokecat  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 17)
Sat, 13th Oct '07 7:19 PM

This may not be double speak but it most certainly is non-speak. "If the Terriers and Barifts are torn down, the economy will grow. George W. Bush

Allena  (Level: 268.3 - Posts: 1412)
Sat, 13th Oct '07 8:57 PM

Dystopian novels include: 'Microsoft Made Easy' 'Capitalization for Sploofus Editors' and '2.0 is Almost Here'. Tuzzila, I love your examples. Perhaps a future Community quiz subject?

Stone  (Level: 35.0 - Posts: 259)
Sat, 13th Oct '07 9:54 PM

I saw an ad for a TV show that's on as I type--"America's Most Smartest Model". I hope she knows how to speak better than the network writes. Maybe syntax has changed since I was in school.

Seniorrita  (Level: 140.1 - Posts: 223)
Sat, 13th Oct '07 10:02 PM

Well, it ALL depends on what IT means!

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 2:50 AM

Tuzilla, we can always count on you for
an interesting and humorous topic!!!!!!!
It's a case of "those who say nothing clearly,
clearly have nothing to say"

Aquamar  (Level: 186.9 - Posts: 927)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 3:37 AM

George W. Bush might understand this double talk. Why do people order people to kill people just to show people that killing people is wrong?

Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2853)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 3:39 AM

Because the Bible apparently
says "an eye for an eye"

Siouxsie  (Level: 104.6 - Posts: 145)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 5:50 AM

Of course, the Old Testament also says not to eat shellfish, trim the hair around the temples, plant two crops in the same field, or work on the Sabbath. It allows slavery and the stoning of blasphemers. Why have we moved past most of these ideas, but we insist on clinging to "an eye for an eye"?

Papajensai  (Level: 203.1 - Posts: 1025)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 8:32 AM

And lo, man created God and religion in his own image, or in the image he wishes he had, or thought he had, and he saw that it was good, or at least it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 10:33 AM

Tuzilla, other examples of people trying to sound intelligent but.......
I overheard a man say he was going to have surgery to remove the "cartridges" from his knee.

A friend of mine told his jilted son not to worry because "There were plenty more fish in the woodpile"

And one of my old favorites,,,,Co-worker tells me at break that he saw a program on PBS the previous evening that showed how life began on earth with "millions of tiny orgasms". ( And THAT cleared everything up)

Siouxsie  (Level: 104.6 - Posts: 145)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 11:46 AM

We've veered off into malapropisms, so I have to tell you my two favorites. A substitute teacher told me that she was having trouble with some of the black kids in her class, but assured me that she was not a "bigamist." (I hope not!) And an elderly woman told me about a sad car accident; the victim would be a "vegetarian" for the rest of her life.

Kaufman  (Level: 269.7 - Posts: 3943)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 1:08 PM

A friend from Georgia flew into Boston, and was taking a taxi to the downtown hotel where a convention was being held. The cabbie asked her what she was in town for, and she explained that it was for a Mensa convention. He then asked, that's the group of people with high IQs, right? After she confirmed, he asked her where she had come from, and when she told him, he replied, "Georgia? But I thought everyone from there was illegitimate."

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 1:32 PM

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French Ambassador after nuclear testing in the Pacific.

My friend, currently serving in the Middle East, also swears blind that American servicemen/women are not issued with shovels (for digging trenches?) but with a 'Combat Emplacement Evacuator'. I also read recently that military toothpicks were in fact 'wood inter- dental stimulators'

Best is this from the now defunct Quarterly Doublespeak Review:

"The New Jersey Division of Gaming Enforcement in a report to the Casino Control Commission did not use the term `Mob,' `Syndicate,' `Mafia,' or `Cosa Nostra.' Instead, the report refers to a `member of a career offender-cartel.'

So that's ok then.

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3641)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 1:35 PM

Yesterday, I met a childhood friend who had taken her elderly mother to a doctor's appt. The mom was having a follow-up appt. for a recent colonoscopy and was receiving the results. After her appt. (which turned out to be fine), she informed me that the doctor said that all of her siblings must have colostomies and all of her children must have colostomies when they reach 45. She also told me that if I didn't have a colostomy by the time I was 45, she was going to be very upset with me. I smiled and assured her that I would.

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 1:54 PM

Didn't think that would be your bag...

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3641)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 2:39 PM

Crappy joke, Martin.

Rnmorg  (Level: 128.2 - Posts: 689)
Sun, 14th Oct '07 4:12 PM

Go sit on the stool, Martin.

Slowpokecat  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 17)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 2:29 PM

Einstein was at the gates of heaven St. Peter said before you can enter prove who you are, Al said E=mc2 Pavarotti arrived at the gates of heaven and St. Peter said again to prove who you are and he sang and Peter let him enter. George W. Bush arrived at the gate and St. Peter said we have alot of people pretending to be who they aren't, even Einstein had to prove who he was, George said Who?

Sherilynn1962  (Level: 116.2 - Posts: 372)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 2:47 PM

Some people still hold sacred those bible teachings, especially those related to the Commandments which were given to us by God. God didn't put in those 10 Commandments to not cut hair around the temple, but He did say "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy".....Exodus 20:4.

Man chooses to do what man chooses to do because God gave us all free will. No double-speak there!!!


Sheri Ras.

Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 4:33 PM

I have always been "vertically challenged" (short) I find I am also "chronologically challenged" (getting old) bank statement alludes to me being "financially challenged" (broke)..before too danged long, some medico will be pronouncing me "lifeforce challenged...dead as a doornail)


Linenlady  (Level: 159.1 - Posts: 306)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 7:47 PM

Maybe what they meant to say about "cutting the hair around the temples" was that they shouldn't open barber shops on the streets near the houses of worship?

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3641)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 8:52 PM

My interpretation is that they were trying to warn us of the effects of the mullet. We did not listen.

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Tue, 16th Oct '07 8:59 PM

I know I didn't.

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