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Smaug  (Level: 140.7 - Posts: 2772)
Thu, 17th Jan '08 11:42 PM


I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.

My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Fri, 18th Jan '08 9:15 AM

And lets not forget "The only mark I've made in life is in my underwear"

Cjar855  (Level: 133.4 - Posts: 838)
Fri, 18th Jan '08 11:42 AM

Another one from Rodney,"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night"

Garrybl  (Level: 275.9 - Posts: 6606)
Fri, 18th Jan '08 11:55 AM

that last was Woody Allen I think -- but still funny.

Billkozy  (Level: 276.3 - Posts: 308)
Fri, 18th Jan '08 1:54 PM

Good god, I'm sitting here by myself and just laughing my ass off out loud. The dog named Egypt cuz he leaves a pyramid in every room, the toaster and radio as the kid's bath toys...
Amazingly funny jokes. I saw him perform in Washington DC about 25 years ago in DAR Hall. Was a riot.

And yeah that "bisexuality doubling chances for a date" was indeed Woody Allen. I had to cringe the other day while watching "The View" (don't ask why) and Barbara Walters blew the joke. How you blow a ONE-liner?
But she said something like, "You know what Woody Allen said about bisexuality? It guarantees you have a date."


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