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Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2011)
Sun, 27th Jan '08 10:29 PM


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Of ficer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner .

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Smaug  (Level: 144.7 - Posts: 2765)
Sun, 27th Jan '08 10:40 PM

heh heh

Here is one (I have to type this out):

Two missionaries are caught by an vicious primitive Africa tribe. They are placed in a giant birdcage overhanging the village.

After starving them for three days, the fierce tribe chief emerges. The first missionary is prodded out of the birdcage with a spear and crashes to earth at the chief's feet.

"Spy! You have a choice. Death? Or Oogoo ?!!!?"

The missionary looks up at his compatriot, they shrug at one another and he says to the chief "I choose Oogoo."

Immediately everyone bursts into celebration. The missionary is tied up spreadeagled in the middle of the village. Each male comes out, and after fouling the missionary in every personally disgusting mannet possible, brutally rapes him. This goes one day and night for three days, each male circling back to take another turn.

the second missionary looks on, horrified, at his partner's scrams and pitiful wails.

Finally, the first missionary is cut loose and shoved, whimpering, bloody and fouled into the birdcage, The second missionary is prodded at spearpoint in front of the chief.

"Spy!" cries the fierce warrior chief. "You have a choice. Death? Or Oogoo ?!!!?"

Shaking the second missionary rises up and looks the chief in the eye. "I choose death!"

"Death it is," cries the chief. "But first -- Oogoo!"

Texlewee  (Level: 34.1 - Posts: 601)
Mon, 28th Jan '08 12:00 AM

The punch line as I heard it was....

Death it is.... Death By Oogoo!!!

Allena  (Level: 266.2 - Posts: 1407)
Mon, 28th Jan '08 9:57 AM

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it,
pee on it and walk away.

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3641)
Mon, 28th Jan '08 10:12 AM

Spit a little coffee on that one, Jim.

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Mon, 28th Jan '08 3:12 PM

Amended from the Book of Connolly:

This guy meets his friend in the pub and he asked his mate how he was. He was like 'fine, fine, but I've just killed my wife. I'll show you if you want.'
So they go into the back garden and beside the garage is a big mound of earth, with a butt sticking out of it.
He said; 'Is that her? What did you leave her butt sticking out for?'
And he replied; "I need somewhere to park my bike."

Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Mon, 28th Jan '08 3:26 PM

A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be found guilty?"

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