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Smaug  (Level: 140.7 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 3:54 PM


If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of your nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

Salzypat  (Level: 154.4 - Posts: 5295)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 4:14 PM

Ah, spoken like a true existentialist. You have learned your lessons well, Wise One.

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 4:24 PM

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Greyghost  (Level: 68.4 - Posts: 640)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 4:58 PM

Very well said Grasshopper,when you can snatch the pebble from my hand............

Smaug  (Level: 140.7 - Posts: 2772)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 5:02 PM

...and your little dog too!.......wait, what are we doing?....

Achad  (Level: 201.5 - Posts: 661)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 5:30 PM

Jeez, all that and no mention of underwear, what's going on , or off?

Twoxfourman  (Level: 82.4 - Posts: 153)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 5:35 PM

As an Expert level Swashbuckling school instructor, I can say that laughing and jumping off of things is a skill that you will master. Ask my one graduate, I'm sure they will tell you.

Luvnmexsun  (Level: 147.4 - Posts: 711)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 6:06 PM

I love Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts"...then a couple months ago I met him!

He lives in Santa Fe...that was so cool!


Kaelin  (Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 6:20 PM

It is great to know that Smaug's "missing time" was well spent, and so thoughtfully shared.

Thank you

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 7:36 PM

Seriously Sun? That rocks.

Oldcougar  (Level: 217.3 - Posts: 1935)
Tue, 19th Feb '08 7:46 PM

So astute

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