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Papajensai  (Level: 203.2 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 3:00 PM


(This has circulated for several years with updates; still good for a laugh.)

Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro's are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

John Cleese

Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2402)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 3:33 PM

The American responsive silence is thunderous.


Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 3:55 PM

I have only got as far as "vocabulary" in the dictionary......

Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 4:36 PM

All that sounds fine, but can we at least season our food?

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 4:41 PM

Yeah, with vinegar.

Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 4:44 PM

I won't eat a kidney, you can't make me.

Papajensai  (Level: 203.2 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 5:25 PM

The question of American beer is always raised, and I wonder if any of the good American beers and ales have ever been exported to Great Britain. We do have some very good ones. Most of the big commercial US brands are swill, granted, but are there no equivalent bad UK beers? Some of my favorites come from Yorkshire and Ireland, but I've wondered if there are any over there to compare with our Bud Lite for insipidity.

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 5:35 PM

McEwan's lager.

Costs more to make the tin it comes in, which tastes better too.

Tazmaniac72  (Level: 196.2 - Posts: 213)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 5:54 PM

Will the 'Silly Walk' take the place of Taebo??

Aquamar  (Level: 186.9 - Posts: 926)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 6:30 PM

Very funny but be careful because we are bigger than you and we do have a tendency to try to make others think like us. In fact if Bush thinks he can bring you around to our way of thinking........

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 6:34 PM

I am getting my musket ready for battle. I guess we have to kick their ass again!

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 6:55 PM

You had me till you said I can't drink my tea from a mug any more. I'm a Texan. We don't drink anything from teeny weeny thimbles.

Suzer22  (Level: 166.3 - Posts: 1982)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 7:35 PM

I thought Andie MacDowell was SUPPOSED to be an American in "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I don't think she was even remotely trying to be British.

So there.

Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2011)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 8:08 PM

Ok here goes:

Ahem, we like Kansas, where else would you go for a great bowl of dust (ok, they have great BBQ too).

1) The British pronounce almost every single word wrong, and make up shit as they go along. A wave is a "knocker", sausage is "bangers", nuff said.

2) How exactly do the British pronounce doughnut?

3) Why would anyone have an anthem that only saves one person, much less one who was never elected and lives in a gigantic palace that the minions pay for?

4) Nope, not giving up 4th of July. What would all those workers in China do that make all the fireworks? Our Independence Day is our way of supporting the global economy. Additionally, we couldn't make really cool movies about aliens invading the earth with out it. What would Will Smith do?

5) Don't start with our guns...we like them, we love them, we want more of them. If you take them away, we'll all just move to Mexico. The lawyers I have a hard time arguing with, maybe we should just send them all to England.

6) Vegetable peeler? You ever accidentally cut yourself with one of those? OUCH, never accidentally shot myself so you can keep those too.

7) WHAT? When has England EVER produced a decent car? You can't invoke the whole Germany thing they're your neighbor, otherwise we'll keep telling everyone how great the Canadian cars are...oh wait...shit lost that one.

8) Roundabouts? I work for an insurance company...GREAT IDEA!!! Job security.

9) Petrol? What do you call vaseline? Never mind, don't wanna know. And don't hex us on the $6 per gallon, we're well on our way.

10) Don't be talking to us about what is and isn't food. Who in their right mind eats beans with breakfast? Don't get me started on that Shepherd's Pie crap (it's essentially leftovers all mushed together). One book you'll never find on a library shelf "Famous English Chefs".

11) Plenty of great beer in the US, we only export the crap, we keep the good stuff for ourselves. ENJOY!!

12) English actors won every acting Oscar this year. We might demand these back. You can keep Sean Connery, we want Orlando Bloom.

13) Brian Urlacher VS. David Beckham, that should settle the argument of what football really is. We call rugby "Rioting".

14) Baseball is a world sport, we invite the Canadians!! If you people learned to play it properly, we'd invite you too!

15) Smaug killed JFK

16) Your IRS guy has got to stand in line behind my IRS guy. I'm fairly sure when my IRS guy is done there won't be anything left dude. Sorry.

17) Tea sucks, unless it's made in the sun with ice and sugar in it.

We're gonna keep John Cleese too, love him and his warped sense of humor.


Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 8:11 PM

And the moral of the story is......"Don't eff with Chick when she's drunk!"

Oh wait, that's a different thread.

Chickfbref1  (Level: 120.7 - Posts: 2011)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 8:18 PM

Kinda sensitive about my football...can you tell?

Oldcougar  (Level: 229.6 - Posts: 1935)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 9:08 PM

I don't know about cars, Chickie, but I wish to Hell they'd quite sending all our crew-cab Fords trucks, down to the states. I need a new one

Rnmorg  (Level: 128.2 - Posts: 689)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 9:47 PM

"...Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories..."

Oh, queen eh? Very nice. And how'd she get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!

Eileeny  (Level: 71.0 - Posts: 239)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 9:53 PM

And may the queen use a level to bring her beak down to earth and mabe i will invite her for a good cup of teley tea lol.. in a bigassed mug too..

Allena  (Level: 268.6 - Posts: 1414)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 10:02 PM

The American Presidency may be too important a job to trust to the American electorate.

Asdibbens  (Level: 159.4 - Posts: 423)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 10:21 PM

But far too important to trust it to anybody else.

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Fri, 29th Feb '08 10:24 PM

Yeah Allena. Watch it.

Surreyman  (Level: 274.4 - Posts: 2775)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 7:08 AM

Cymru am bydd!

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 8:36 AM

You know, Sur, I saw a "House" episode like that once.

Achad  (Level: 213.6 - Posts: 661)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 11:17 AM

'Bush' and 'thinking' in the same sentence! Very Scary!

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 11:32 AM

Ooooo, House for President. I like that. I'd like a guy who says what he means, means what he says, and doesn't suffer whiners & idiots.

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 3:27 PM

Sean Connery - English?

Damn Chick, I wouldn't want to be you if he hears about that.

Shir Sean ish mosht touchy on the shubject of nashionality, (whilsht conveniently paying hish taxesh elshwhere).
'Big Tam' would most certainly acquaint you & Orlando with a kiss of the Glaswegian kind, possibly whilst pretending to be Russian, Irish or an ancient Spaniard. (It's hard to tell).

Lancaster  (Level: 228.1 - Posts: 176)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 8:50 PM

I'm just not ready to belong to a country that features spotted dick on the menu.

1mks  (Level: 221.0 - Posts: 5929)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 8:52 PM

Sorry, I've had spotted dick and it is quite good. I had to have it after the waiter told me the specials for the night. Anything named that had to be tried.

Lettermanfan1  (Level: 88.3 - Posts: 486)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 9:59 PM

You're right suzer. Andie McDowell was playing an American in 4 weddings... Her acting was (and is) so terrible it just wasn't that clear to Mr. Cleese.

Geophile  (Level: 168.3 - Posts: 1553)
Sat, 1st Mar '08 11:04 PM

I want to know why do the English butcher French words...lieutenant comes to mind, pronounced "leftenant"? Inquiring minds want to know. If England wants to take over this debt ridden country and assume our trillions of dollars of debt, I say we go for it.

Surreyman  (Level: 274.4 - Posts: 2775)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 9:07 AM

Lootenant is French pronunciation?
Or renting the bathroom?

Koota  (Level: 189.1 - Posts: 2120)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 10:30 AM

I'm all for instituting Tea at 4:00 pm, but I have difficulty with the concept of giving up my pistol. It's so effective for driving off unwanted salesmen from my porch.

Pafork  (Level: 132.0 - Posts: 536)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 12:12 PM

When Sir Sean is done, Javier Bardem and Marion Cotillard might have something to say about being called English too.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 4:06 PM

Changed my mind again. We are "6-Flags" over Texas, ya know. I vote for Spain to take over Texas again, as long as they reinstitute Siesta (also a common habit in the Philippines, China, India, Italy, Greece, Croatia, Malta, the Middle East and North Africa - Wiki).

Course, if BHO-HDRC-JM want to institute Siesta under their presidency, I might also rethink my vote!

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 5:12 PM

Pafork: Daniel Day-Lewis may also give Chickie a left foot up the rear end!

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 8:08 PM

I thought Daniel Day-Lewis was Mohican. Actually, I heard he was the last of them.

Leeze83  (Level: 35.2 - Posts: 70)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 10:39 PM

I would like to dispute the idea that South Africa is pound for pound the best sporting country in the world (i am a big follower of the medals per capita stats at the olympics and things like that).

It's ok chick, you can have Guy Fawkes Day in lieu of 4th of July. It's much more fun (and dangerous).

Also, God save the queen (and William, my future husband).

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Sun, 2nd Mar '08 11:03 PM

I want Harry. In a bad way.

Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 5:37 AM

When you say 'bad', d'you mean 'illegal'?

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 8:17 AM

Some things have been deemed illegal in Russia, Greenland, snooty parts of the UK, and most of the U.S. Bible Belt. Except Georgia.

Jespur  (Level: 114.2 - Posts: 38)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 9:48 AM

Thank you thank you! (for original post) I have not laughed this hard an ages! Long live Monty Python! Long live John Cleese!

Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 10:03 AM

In Georgia, those "bad" things are only legal if it's a blood relative, first cousin or closer, no exceptions, unless farm animals are involved, then you may include second and third cousins, but only until you're 18, and never on a Sunday.

Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 10:04 AM

In Tennessee, we are more forward thinking. We would never exclude any cousin.

Acofish  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 98)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 2:10 PM

fiancee just bought a MINI Cooper S, assembled in Oxford, England. Very fine automobile, but is it British? Assembled in England of mostly German and Brazilian parts (roughly 5% U.S. parts). Also a German parent company (BMW). American cars made in Canada and Mexico, Japanese and German cars made in the U.S., who can keep track anymore? All I know is she LOVES the Cooper!!!

Geophile  (Level: 168.3 - Posts: 1553)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 5:50 PM

I wish the English made cars as well as the Japanese. The two happiest days in my husband's life was the day he bought a Jaguar and the day he sold the damn thing. It was even happier than the boat he wanted and then sold. If they want to give us all that car the Queen rides around in at a reasonable price, that could be a bargaining chip.

Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Mon, 3rd Mar '08 6:08 PM

Not that piece of crap!

Lblewis  (Level: 47.0 - Posts: 31)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 1:44 AM

Tea at four o'clock!!! You must be kidding, I want a beer at four o'clock.

Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4593)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 2:38 AM

It's 4 o'clock somewhere...

Pafork  (Level: 132.0 - Posts: 536)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 2:43 AM

That he would Martin.

Greyghost  (Level: 69.0 - Posts: 640)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 1:18 PM

Makes no nevermind to me,i am in Canada,a nation of sheep,lol

Oldcougar  (Level: 229.6 - Posts: 1935)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 2:01 PM

I wonder what John Cleese would have to say about my chips or french fries. I like 'em thick with chicken gravy (French Canadian), then ketchup (American) and finally drizzled with vinegar (British). I may be having an identity crisis

Geophile  (Level: 168.3 - Posts: 1553)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 3:55 PM

Did anyone endure two-hours of Barbara Wawa and the Royal Family Sunday evening? I tried to stay interested and not fall asleep but to no avail. However, every time I came to I saw funky hats. They can't have us back because I have decided not to live in any country where the women feel somehow obliged to wear funky hats...I mean, really funky. What's up with that anyway? Another thing...everyone tries to be on their best behavior around the Queen and they all act like drugged puppets. No, we're not going back. Chick is right! So we smother in debt and have awful's the American way.

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 4:12 PM

I can't watch Babwa WaWa. She annoys the bejesus out of me. One of the funniest moments with Babwa was during the infamous O.J. white bronco chase. She was on the screen rambling on about something, there was some breaking news, and the news guy cut her off and told her they had to cut to the breaking news. The screen stayed on her for a few moments. Her mouth dropped open, her eyes turned to slits, and I'm sure there was some poor little newscaster dude who had just unknowingly ended his career.

Still, was priceless to see her reaction to be told to STHU.

Barnierubble  (Level: 93.9 - Posts: 637)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 4:15 PM

Being English, I wish we could dump Scotland and Wales, and let them pay for themselves. We certainly do not want the USA.

Geophile  (Level: 168.3 - Posts: 1553)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 7:01 PM

LOL...Scotland and Wales would probably like to dump the English! But, wait...don't the Scots have North Sea oil revenue?

Papajensai  (Level: 203.2 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 4th Mar '08 9:18 PM

I think the Welsh have a corner on the market in consonants, too.

Surreyman  (Level: 274.4 - Posts: 2775)
Wed, 5th Mar '08 3:48 AM

Cymru am bydd again!

So what would a half-caste like myself do - live on the Surrey/Welsh border?

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