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Diva305  (Level: 153.6 - Posts: 1656)
Wed, 5th Mar '08 4:45 PM


Whatever else we might be, on St. Patrick’s Day, we are all Irish.

These should put you in the mood.

Timothy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stands over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were gatherin’ a group to leave right now.”


Riley was in New York patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.”

Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Riley still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time,

Riley went over to him and said,

“Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Saints alive! He’s done it again!”


Walking into the bar, O’Rourke says to Shamus the bartender,

“Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Shamus, “And how did this one end then?”

“When it was over,” O’Rourke replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Shamus, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thomas.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his bum.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror.

His bum was cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid on each place he saw blood.

He hid the almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

Next morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in his head and bum and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “And why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...

I’m thinkin’ it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3640)
Wed, 5th Mar '08 4:50 PM

Oh dang. That last one was funny.

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