You are not signed in (Login or Join Free)   |   Help
Sploofus Trivia
Trivia GamesCommunityLeaderboardsTournaments
MySploofus
You are here:  Home  >>  Chat Forums  >>  The Salty Dog  >>  View Chat Message

View Chat Message



Pages:  1    


smeans
Smeans  (Level: 109.2 - Posts: 301)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 2:44 PM

JOKE THREAD....

Okay to lighten the mood I am going through my emails and searching for jokes that I haven't seen a million times before in the hopes of spreading some cheer and laughter. If you have one please feel free to post it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

1mks
1mks  (Level: 211.2 - Posts: 5884)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 3:12 PM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.... Kill Her !!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
Then the agent said, "You are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them (us)



taco24
Taco24  (Level: 131.3 - Posts: 589)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 3:17 PM

If this is a joke thread.......
Please do not toss me from Sploofus......

Q: If a carrot & a cabbage ran a race, who would win?
A: The cabbage, because it is a head!

Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?
A: The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!


smeans
Smeans  (Level: 109.2 - Posts: 301)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 3:38 PM

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, "pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, "cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified.....the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...pregnant when you met her."

smeans
Smeans  (Level: 109.2 - Posts: 301)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 4:02 PM

Counseling- Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over . . . women like that are hard to find."

pepperdoc
Pepperdoc  (Level: 152.5 - Posts: 4286)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 8:14 PM

The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage*

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to
Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."


sherilynn1962
Sherilynn1962  (Level: 116.2 - Posts: 372)
Wed, 12th Mar '08 8:53 PM

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can 't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the re dneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.




Pages:  1    



Copyright © 2003-2016 Sploofus Holdings LLC.  All rights reserved.
Legal Notice & Privacy Statement  |  Link to Sploofus