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alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Fri, 18th Apr '08 11:24 PM

SILLY JOKES-

Before Mullzer thinks of this idea , and gets to start another thread that lasts for over a month- with 850 posts and counting- it's my turn to start something "silly."

Silly joke-


Q- "How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?"



A- you just pull down their genes!






any body else?








garrybl
Garrybl  (Level: 280.2 - Posts: 6646)
Fri, 18th Apr '08 11:50 PM

This joke was described to me as an Engineers joke. I'm not sure if tat says more about me him or Engineeers.

What is the difference between a duck?

One of its wings is both the same.

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.5 - Posts: 1302)
Fri, 18th Apr '08 11:51 PM

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!


(said the history teacher)

taco24
Taco24  (Level: 131.5 - Posts: 589)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 12:13 AM

Fudypatootie
Now to be tacky, but that joke made this history teacher wish she was a Roman so she could cut that last joke in half with a pair of "caesars".

kravfighter
Kravfighter  (Level: 162.6 - Posts: 563)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 12:17 AM

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?

tooth hurty



bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 12:31 AM

Which number has its own day of the week?



Two's Day


~Bev

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.2 - Posts: 3936)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 12:44 AM

... which is followed by One's Day and Thirds Day.

tazmaniac72
Tazmaniac72  (Level: 188.2 - Posts: 213)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 1:09 AM

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9....

Ba-dum-bum!

rnmorg
Rnmorg  (Level: 128.2 - Posts: 690)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 1:21 AM

One of my kids told me this one.

Why does Snoop Dogg keep an umbrella with him at all times?

Fa Drizzle.

farroz
Farroz  (Level: 90.5 - Posts: 40)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 2:18 AM

Heard this one today. One strawberry said to the other strawberry if you were not so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.

papermanbill
Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 5:28 AM

What did the diaper say to the baby ??

Don't make a move I have you covered.

The baby said,"your full of crap !!".

kimoira
Kimoira  (Level: 202.3 - Posts: 1190)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 6:37 AM

What do you get when you run over a canary with a lawnmower?

Shredded tweets

zeedee
Zeedee  (Level: 224.7 - Posts: 1088)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 7:38 AM

When I was very young, our favorites were elephant jokes:

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So they will not be caught when they float upside-down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside-down in a bowl of custard?
A: Of course not, they wear yellow-soled shoes.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get the wholesale discount on yellow-soled shoes.


loveland
Loveland  (Level: 55.2 - Posts: 521)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 8:08 AM

What did the fish say when he ran into the cement wall?

Dam!!!

scifidwarf
Scifidwarf  (Level: 140.8 - Posts: 249)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 9:02 AM

Okay, here is one my son told me.
Q. What kind of light bulb asks a lot of questions?

A. A 100-What bulb.


mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 11:03 AM

Q. What do cows do for entertainment?
A. They rent moovies.

(I'm groaning with you)

erin0620
Erin0620  (Level: 77.2 - Posts: 737)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 11:18 AM

How do you catch a rabbit?
make a noise like a carrot

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 11:44 AM

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


Unique up on it!

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 11:55 AM

So, a guy walks into a bar.....

OUCH!

revdodd
Revdodd  (Level: 68.7 - Posts: 775)
Sat, 19th Apr '08 12:54 PM

So, Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes says, "I think not."

Poof! He vanishes.

suzer22
Suzer22  (Level: 165.6 - Posts: 1982)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 1:08 AM

Two muffins are baking in the oven.

One muffin says, "Is it getting hot in here?"



The other muffin says, "AHHHHH! a talking muffin!!"

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.6 - Posts: 5316)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 3:11 AM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Cantaloupe

Cantaloupe who?

Cantaloupe tonight 'cause pa's home.

mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 7:46 AM

Told at the dinner table by my father when I was about 9:

Q: Did you hear about the hold up in our backyard last night?

US: Oh no, what happened?

A: Two clothespins, held up a towel!

He had a million of them (like Durante)

papermanbill
Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 11:01 AM

Why were the two ink drops crying ??


There father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence was ...

papermanbill
Papermanbill  (Level: 41.3 - Posts: 1313)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 11:04 AM



"THEIR" I am a high school drop out, got my GED when I was 22

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Sun, 20th Apr '08 2:25 PM

["G" version]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of "crap"

One fly "breaks wind."

The other fly looks at him and says- "Hey, I'm eatin' here!"

[tell yourself the "R" version]



cypressriver
Cypressriver  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 160)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 1:51 AM


What do educated owls say?

To whom, to whom...

cypressriver
Cypressriver  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 160)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 1:54 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 2:51 AM

Q. Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkled?

A. Have you ever tried ironing one.....?


Q. Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkled?

A. Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be an asprin


Q. What's grey and has a trunk?

A. A mouse going on vacation


Q. What's brown and has a trunk?

A. A mouse returning from vacation


Q. Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A. So that they can hide in cherry trees


Q, What's the loudest sound ever heard?

A. Someone picking cherries


Q. What's green has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A. A snooker table


Q. What do you call a septic cat?

A. Pus



eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 8:46 AM

So a horse walks in to a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Why the long face?"

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 2:50 PM

Eesus: you didn't put enough passion or drama in that last joke.


how 'bout- The bartender looks up from his want ads; checks a young guy's photo i.d for proof of age; takes a drag on his cigarette, spots the horse- and says "why the long face?"








billkozy
Billkozy  (Level: 280.3 - Posts: 308)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 2:56 PM

Then John Kerry walked in and the bartender once again asked the same thing.

The a termite walked into the bar after that and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
(Ya might need to mull that one over..)

ricksdusa
Ricksdusa  (Level: 22.6 - Posts: 69)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 2:59 PM

fella walks into a petshop and says "I'd like to buy a wasp please"
"We don't sell wasps"
"Well you've got one in your window"

wordster
Wordster  (Level: 159.8 - Posts: 911)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 3:01 PM

When I was a lad I was told it like this:

Q: Why do elephants wear red sneakers?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

An Irishman, an Essex girl and an alien go into a bar and order drinks.
The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?".



wordster
Wordster  (Level: 159.8 - Posts: 911)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 3:03 PM

Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen that lefty a bar?

It could have happened.

wordster
Wordster  (Level: 159.8 - Posts: 911)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 3:05 PM

Oops!, naughty y.

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 3:37 PM

Wow, first time I've ever been accused of not having having enough passion or drama.

Not sure how I feel about that.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 7:33 PM

Eesus;

Why the long face?





jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 9:09 PM

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 9:35 PM

Eileen

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 9:37 PM

Altogether. From Airplane!

jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Mon, 21st Apr '08 9:40 PM

What do you call a man who lives in a rabbit burrow?

Warren.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 1:03 AM

Warren Peas?

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 1:26 AM

If women with large breasts work at Hooter's, where do women with only one leg work?

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 1:35 AM

Times up. IHOP!

jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 1:53 AM

She was only the colonel's daughter but she knew what Reggie meant.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 2:06 AM

She was only the moonshiner's daughter but I loved her still.


jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 2:11 AM

I hadn't heard the moonshiner one! Love it.

She was only the blacksmith's daughter but she made a bolt for the shithouse door.


papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 2:31 AM

She had freckles on her but, I loved her anyway.

dutchman
Dutchman  (Level: 234.5 - Posts: 36)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 6:06 AM

She was only the stablehand's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 6:33 AM

For you java lovers.....


"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."





"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 6:44 AM

I used to be a lifeguard but some blue kid got me fired.

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 8:47 AM

"Mommy, Mommy, why is daddy running across the field?"

"Shut up and reload."

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 2:36 PM

"Daddy, daddy why is Mommy so pale?"

"Shut up and keep digging."

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 3:16 PM

Eesus; that's the passion and drama we've come to expect!

And now, for something completely different: a silly "poem"

[the world's shortest by the way]

FLEAS

Adam

Had'em

back to the jokes!
Al

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 4:03 PM

"Mommy Mommy, I'm tired of running in circles."

"Shut up or I'll nail the other foot down."

jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 6:07 PM

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

zeedee
Zeedee  (Level: 224.7 - Posts: 1088)
Tue, 22nd Apr '08 6:18 PM

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!

Shut up and get away from the dart board!


markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 3:53 AM

Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

A. Cliff.....

Q. What do you call a man with two overcoats?

A. Max

Q. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

A. Doug

Q. What do you call a man with no legs waterskiing?

A. Skip.......

Q. What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool?

A.Bob



larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 5:06 AM

"Waiter - get me an alligator sandwich and be quick about it!"


Uh - wait up...
I might have told that differently the first time. I'll try again:

"Waiter - get me an alligator sandwich straight away!"
"And would sir like that served expeditiously?"
"No - I'll have it served on croc-ery..."

wordster
Wordster  (Level: 159.8 - Posts: 911)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 5:40 PM

Waiter what's that fly doing in my soup?

The front crawl I think.


Waiter what's that fly doing in my soup?


Shhh! If you shout too loudly everyone will want one.

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 5:52 PM

Jimmy - I actually laughed out loud on the whale joke.

maple542
Maple542  (Level: 91.3 - Posts: 135)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 8:04 PM

Why don't tigers live in the desert?

They don't believe in Sandy Claws.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 8:23 PM

[think Pennsylvania Dutch on this one]


What is this?

clop clop clop clop bangbang clop clop clop ,,,,





It's an Amish drive-by shooting.









mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 8:42 PM

What's the difference between a women with PMS and a pit bull?







Lipstick!

I told my husband and he didn't get it...I think it's a riot!

zeedee
Zeedee  (Level: 224.7 - Posts: 1088)
Thu, 24th Apr '08 8:58 PM

Why does it take 40 women with PMS to change a light bulb?




IT JUST DOES, DAMMIT!!!


alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 12:42 AM

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies room?



A: He wanted to go where no man has gone before.


[sorry]



markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 4:03 AM

How many ears does captain Kirk have?




3 - a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier....

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 5:24 AM

What's green and flies thru walls?















Caspar the Friendly Cooking Apple.

avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 7:46 AM

How can you tell an elephant's been in your refrigerator?


He leaves footprints in the cheesecake.

avdralle
Avdralle  (Level: 183.6 - Posts: 57)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 7:47 AM

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

ricksdusa
Ricksdusa  (Level: 22.6 - Posts: 69)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 10:27 AM

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change.


How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven - One to change it, six to sing about how good the old one was.

markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 12:20 PM

Q. How can you tell there's two elephants in you fridge?

A. 2 sets of foot prints in the cheesecake.....


Q. How can you tell there's three elephants in you fridge?

A. 3 sets of foot prints in the cheesecake.....


Q. How can you tell there's four elephants in you fridge?

A. The door wont close

markieboy
Markieboy  (Level: 260.0 - Posts: 198)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 12:24 PM

Q. How can you tell elephants have been having sex in your garden?

A. Your bin liners are missing


Q. How can you tell there's an elephant under your bed?

A. Your nose is 2 inches from the ceiling


Q. How can you tell there's an elephant in bed with you?

A. He has a big "E" on his pyjama pocket....


papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 12:33 PM

What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into the back seat of a Volkswagen?


Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of a Volkswagen.

kaufman
Kaufman  (Level: 257.2 - Posts: 3936)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 2:06 PM

Actually, Markie, the sure way of telling there are four elephants in your refrigerator is the fact that there's a Volkswagen parked out front.

Of course you need to precede that with how you get four elephants into a Volkswagen (2 in the front, 2 in the back).

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 4:03 PM

...and what's going on there in the back...oh my gosh, don't look, Ethel!

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Fri, 25th Apr '08 11:31 PM

But it was too late....

aquamar
Aquamar  (Level: 179.0 - Posts: 910)
Sat, 26th Apr '08 2:06 AM

Why did the little boy throw his clock out the window?


He wanted to see time fly.


What is black and white and red all over?


A newspaper


What's black and white, black and white, black and white?



A penguin rolling down a hill.

bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Sat, 26th Apr '08 4:46 AM

"Mommy, the water looks cold tonight..!"

"Shut up kid, the sack will keep you warm."


"Mommy, I don't like my brother."

"Shut up kid, leave him on the side of your plate and eat your veggies instead"


"Mommy, Daddy's going out again."

"Shut up kid, and put more gasoline on him"


(With apologies)
~Bev




sargon
Sargon  (Level: 112.0 - Posts: 1256)
Sat, 26th Apr '08 4:17 PM

What is the biggest ocean liner in the world?



Sand

mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Sat, 26th Apr '08 5:39 PM

When I was young, what was black and white, black and white, black and white, (etc.) was a nun rolling down a hill. (catholic school jokes)(there's topic-your worst catholic school story...)

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.5 - Posts: 1302)
Sun, 27th Apr '08 2:11 AM

What's green and red and goes 100 mph?

Frog in a blender.

fudypatootie
Fudypatootie  (Level: 197.5 - Posts: 1302)
Sun, 27th Apr '08 2:12 AM

No animals were harmed in the telling of the previous joke.

sargon
Sargon  (Level: 112.0 - Posts: 1256)
Sun, 27th Apr '08 6:19 PM

What do you call a very popular perfume ?
A best smeller.


dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:08 AM

Knock Knock!

foogs
Foogs  (Level: 267.9 - Posts: 848)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:15 AM

Who's there?

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:20 AM

Knock Knock!

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:24 AM

Knock Knock!

bigdavy
Bigdavy  (Level: 131.8 - Posts: 529)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:24 AM

Who's there?

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:31 AM

Knock Knock

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:34 AM

Gettin tired of me knocking? Then just open that dam door! ... Now, that's silly

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:37 AM

Why did the whale cross the road?

To get to the other tide!

bigdavy
Bigdavy  (Level: 131.8 - Posts: 529)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:38 AM

A man came up to me on the street the other day, he said "I haven't had a bite in 3 days"

So I bit him

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:46 AM

How Long is a Chinaman

dyenamite
Dyenamite  (Level: 49.6 - Posts: 669)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 1:53 AM

Eddie Murphy stand up for kids ...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a number 2 in the forest.
"Don't ya hate it when it sticks to your fur?", asked the bear.
"Never have that problem", replied the rabbit ...

So the bear wiped his backside with the rabbit!

rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 11:02 PM

Notice in a farmer's field....
"We allow hikers to cross this
field free, but the bull charges"

jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Mon, 28th Apr '08 11:21 PM

Daddy, what does "circumcision" mean?

Ah ... er .... that's a bit off the point.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 29th Apr '08 12:29 AM

Everyone's a comedian.

jimmywoodser
Jimmywoodser  (Level: 28.1 - Posts: 15)
Tue, 29th Apr '08 1:33 AM

Not quite everyone.

jank0614
Jank0614  (Level: 67.1 - Posts: 4597)
Tue, 29th Apr '08 12:14 PM

Everybody's a critic?



rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Tue, 29th Apr '08 11:34 PM

Brain cells come
And brain cells go....
Fat cells live forever

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 29th Apr '08 11:42 PM

Beer kills brain cells

but only the weak ones.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Wed, 30th Apr '08 10:38 PM

You have an Internet addiction when . . .

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.



sargon
Sargon  (Level: 112.0 - Posts: 1256)
Fri, 2nd May '08 6:01 AM

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Fri, 2nd May '08 5:53 PM

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A novelty song- have a listen!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtvfD0dahzk

eesusbejesus
Eesusbejesus  (Level: 75.0 - Posts: 3645)
Fri, 2nd May '08 6:08 PM

How do you get one hundred (insert group you wish to insult here - for this joke we'll say Sploofus Editors) into a Volkswagon?









You wipe a booger on the dash.



bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Fri, 2nd May '08 6:53 PM

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


~Bev

rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Sun, 4th May '08 6:35 AM

Ad. in the Personals....
"Gentleman with 40 excellent
acres, would like to meet
Lady with a tractor"

rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Sun, 4th May '08 6:39 AM

There are some things in life that are
better to receive than to give,
and a massage is one of them....

Drinking is the only thing
you don't get better at
the more you do it....

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Mon, 2nd Jun '08 8:06 PM

Silly jokes return!

A young cowboy walks into The Oak in Seguin , TX .

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

pennwoman
Pennwoman  (Level: 155.2 - Posts: 2478)
Mon, 2nd Jun '08 8:20 PM

I just have to say GROAN! and LOL!

mplaw51
Mplaw51  (Level: 179.8 - Posts: 1582)
Mon, 2nd Jun '08 9:36 PM

A pirate walked into the bar with a steering wheel stuck in his pants.

The bartender said, "Why do you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants?"

Pirate,"Arghh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

kaelin
Kaelin  (Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Mon, 2nd Jun '08 11:13 PM

If two collars had a race, how would it end?

In a tie.
-----------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?

Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
-------------------------------------------
What did the outlet say to the cord?

Socket to me, baby.
--------------------------------------------
What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?

It's not my fault.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 12:36 AM

Hmmmmm...silly jokes......

that sounds like a good idea for a WP......

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 12:56 AM

A pirate had an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

Asked about his injuries, he said a shark bit off his leg, another pirate cut off his hand in a fight, and a sea gull had pooped in his eye.

"How could sea gull poop put out your eye?"

"Well, see, I'd just got the hook and wasn't quite used to it yet."

salzypat
Salzypat  (Level: 156.6 - Posts: 5316)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 12:58 AM

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all right now!

kaelin
Kaelin  (Level: 49.2 - Posts: 1685)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 1:14 AM

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut

barnierubble
Barnierubble  (Level: 93.9 - Posts: 637)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 9:49 AM

What is the difference between PMT and CJD?

One is a MAD COW disease, the other is an AGRICULTURAL problem.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Tue, 3rd Jun '08 4:59 PM

How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Deadheads don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in VW buses.

or

Deadheads don't change lightbulbs, they just follow them around for 30 years until they burn out.


rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Thu, 5th Jun '08 1:53 AM

Barnie....it's called PMS over 'ere

spicyhedgehog
Spicyhedgehog  (Level: 96.2 - Posts: 69)
Thu, 5th Jun '08 3:26 AM

What do you call a fly with no wings?




A walk!

I know really bad!

donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.8 - Posts: 5087)
Thu, 5th Jun '08 6:51 PM

One day, God was looking down on Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God "Yes, it is bad on Earth - 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God could not believe humans were that bad and sent down a second angel.
When the second angel returned after a time, he went to God and said "Yes, the earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them and help them spread their goodness.

Do you know what the e-mail said?


I didn't get one either.

flcyclist
Flcyclist  (Level: 124.7 - Posts: 691)
Fri, 6th Jun '08 12:53 AM

A Buddhist joke!

A Buddhist walks up to a ice cream vendor.

He says, "I'll take a small vanilla, one dip."

The Buddhist hands over a five-dollar bill.

The vendor gives him no change.

The Buddhist says, "Where is my change?"

The vendor says, "Change must come from within."

donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.8 - Posts: 5087)
Fri, 6th Jun '08 1:25 AM

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: I've been hiding.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.8 - Posts: 5087)
Fri, 6th Jun '08 1:26 AM

Oops, wrong button.

Man: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.8 - Posts: 5087)
Fri, 6th Jun '08 2:25 PM

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop and ask for directions.


What's the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds will eventually mature.


rowlanda
Rowlanda  (Level: 70.0 - Posts: 2856)
Fri, 6th Jun '08 9:36 PM

Donna....
That was an excellent joke re.letters from God.
Didn't get one but "AIN'T MIS-BEHAVIN"
I must be in the 10% Undecided category....


papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Sat, 7th Jun '08 6:04 AM

A Buddhist went up to the hot dog vendor and said,
"Make me one with everything."

acofish
Acofish  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 98)
Sun, 8th Jun '08 4:23 PM

What do you calla man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of a door?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art


What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging above a window?

Kurt n' Rod

acofish
Acofish  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 98)
Sun, 8th Jun '08 4:24 PM

Why did they have to stop the lepers' poker game?

someone threw his hand in

acofish
Acofish  (Level: 59.9 - Posts: 98)
Sun, 8th Jun '08 4:44 PM

Why did they have to stop the lepers' poker game?

someone threw his hand in

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Sun, 8th Jun '08 5:43 PM

Guy walks into the doctors office with a frog sitting on top of his head.

Doctor says, When did your problem start?

Frog say, It started as a little bump on my ass.

alvandy
Alvandy  (Level: 229.7 - Posts: 7573)
Mon, 23rd Jun '08 6:51 PM

Bump [test]



nichole6789
Nichole6789  (Level: 13.1 - Posts: 3)
Wed, 25th Jun '08 10:12 PM

what does a skeleton say before eating dinner?

bone appetite

nichole6789
Nichole6789  (Level: 13.1 - Posts: 3)
Wed, 25th Jun '08 10:14 PM

whats red white and blue all over

a newspaper

larefamiliaris
Larefamiliaris  (Level: 135.2 - Posts: 877)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 4:26 AM

(deep breath)
Sly Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in a bar discussing future projects, when Sly says, "You know I've always wanted to play a great composer, I reckon I'd be a great Beethoven".
Jean-Claude puts down his Pernod and agrees, adding " And I'd make an excellent Bizet".
Steven Segal puts down the waiter he is beating up long enough to intone, "Well boys, I'd make a fabulous Stravinsky", before throwing the unfortunate waiter through a window.
Arnie drains his beer, puts down the empty glass then looks at them all menacingly and growls:


"I'll be Bach".



(sound of tumbleweeds)

bushyfox
Bushyfox  (Level: 174.4 - Posts: 2403)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 4:38 AM


FINALLY..THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,'she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'



donden
Donden  (Level: 112.5 - Posts: 2127)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 9:38 AM

Q; Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the dog.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because the have big fingers.

donleigh
Donleigh  (Level: 147.8 - Posts: 5087)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 2:50 PM

The CDC in Atlanta has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreation Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes
- Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
- Bothersome Employer Eliminating Rebooter (BEER)

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!!!

redwingchick
Redwingchick  (Level: 91.1 - Posts: 420)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 4:03 PM

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Put sand in her vaseline.

billkozy
Billkozy  (Level: 280.3 - Posts: 308)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 5:46 PM

What's brown, or maybe gray really, sometimes even black, and you can throw it?

A stick.

(tell you the truth, I'm not really sure I've gotten the hang of silly joke-telling...)

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 6:46 PM

Did you hear what happened to the young couple who mixed up their jar of vaseline and the jar of window putty?


Wait for it.....


All their window panes fell out!

...of course.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 6:47 PM

What's black and tan, and looks good on a lawyer?


A Rottweiler.

papajensai
Papajensai  (Level: 193.5 - Posts: 1025)
Thu, 26th Jun '08 6:53 PM

A nuclear family of moles, mama daddy and junior, were crowded at the entrance of their burrow, trying to see what was going on outside. They don't see well, of course, and go by smell a lot. So....

Daddy mole takes a big sniff and says "I think I smell honey out there!"

Mommy mole sniffs, and says "It kinda smells more like maple syrup to me!"

Junior, stuck in the back behind the others in the little tunnel, takes a big sniff and says "All I can smell from back here is mole asses"!

tmj302
Tmj302  (Level: 53.5 - Posts: 129)
Sun, 29th Jun '08 12:33 PM

Two peanuts walk into a bar...

One's assaulted!!

redwingchick
Redwingchick  (Level: 91.1 - Posts: 420)
Sun, 29th Jun '08 12:55 PM

A guy calls a Costume shop the day before Halloween.
He says, "Yeah I need an idea for a Halloween costume."
The clerk says "Well tell me a little bit about yourself."
The guy says "I'm bald, I have an eye-patch and a wooden leg."
The clerk says "Oh, that's an easy one. Go as a pirate."
The guy hollers, "Well that's real original! You think I didn't think of that? Jeez, you think I am a moron?"
The clerk says, "Well here's another idea. Pour a jar of caramel over your head, break your wooden leg off, stick it up your butt and go as a candied apple!"


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