Fun With Puns 2 - The Shaggy Dog Story
Asdibbens on 04/10/2006
|WARNING! PUN SENSITIVE PEOPLE BEWARE - PUN BLOCK LOTION PPF 50 RECOMMENDED FOR ALL READERS. |
Seriously, a shaggy dog story is the actual term for a long joke that leads eventually to a terrible pun. Here I've also incorporated every other type of pun imaginable - Homographic, Heteronymic, Homophonic, Double-sound, compound pun, Tom Swifties, blending them all into one giant extended pun. In case you wonder afterwards, including the big pun at the end, the story contains 101 dog puns, allusions, and references. Read the story at least once if you can bare it, all the questions relate to the text in one way or another. [Disclaimer - although there may be other stories like this one, this one is unfortunately my own, so there's no one else to blame.]
Let Sleeping Dog Puns Lie
by A. S. Dibbens
In the dog-days of summer, Bulldog Spitz, ace newshound for the Daily Beagle, was tracking down a lead on a fetching lassie named Trixie Whippet. Her sniffing around had made a big dog as shake as much as a Chihuahua on a chilly three dog night. So he had her collared by the K-9 unit for barking up the wrong tree. But the cute puppy broke her leash and ran away. The hunt was on. Smelling a good story, Bulldog vowed to catch this stray even if he had to go to Labrador to retrieve 'er. He had to dog it out before the wolves closed in and put a muzzle on her for good.
Bulldog tailed Trixie Whippet to a Der Weinerdog where he found her kibbling on a bowl of mush. 'Twoo-ooo-eet!' he whistled. She sure was one hot dog he thought as he licked his chops. After some hemming and pawing, he decided to try the sad puppy approach. 'Mind if I rest my dogs?' he whimpered as he set his chow down next to hers. After some friendly chin-wagging, he could tell she was really itching to open up, so he scratched harder to find out just who let the dogs out.
Hounding her with questions, Bulldog found out she knew where all the bones where buried and that leader of the pack sicced the attack dogs on her to keep the gravy train coming. He asked if she used to that mad dog's, uh, you-know-what. She broke down and cried, insisted it for her started out as just puppy love, then he took advantage and made her feel like a mutt, so now they were through. 'I'm a bad girl, bad girl.' Bulldog petted her hair, 'No, Whippet. Whippet good!'
Lapping up his affection, Trixie agreed; she wasn't going to just rollover and play dead. If they wanted a dog fight, she was all setter. Bulldog praised her and then offered to give her a few pointers to throw the bloodhounds off her scent. She thanked him saying she could use a shepherd though this dog eat dog world. Just then, sirens howled from every direction. They had no choice but to flea.
High-tailing it down an alley filled with litter, they terriered around the corner to a dead end ' they were boxered in. They pawed, wondering what to do. Right on their heel, down the alley came two husky coppers; tramp, tramp, tramp! Each footstep echoing with a pound. Bulldog sniffed around - Bingo! An open doggie-door. They scampered through and were Scottie-free.
Or so they thought. They found themselves in the back of a Muttz Paint Store. The clerk barked, 'Can I help you?' Bulldog asked, 'Is this where we catch the Greyhound?' The clerk growled, 'What are you some kind of Weimaraner? Does this look like a bus stop?' Just then, guard dogs broke in from the front and the back, bullets raining like cats and dogs. Everywhere, cans were hit, spaying their contents, paint poodle-ing on the floor. In the confusion, Bulldog and Trixie bow-wowed out of there.
Panting, they took shelter in a Mom and Pup grocery store. She was covered in Kerry Blue paint; he in West Highland White. 'We can't go for a walk like this, they're sure to spot us!' she said pointing to a bottle of Clorox on the counter. Horrified at the suggestion he turned to her and snarled, 'YOU CAN'T BLEACH A BULL DOG BLUE TRIXIE!'
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